Blogging 101

10 Things I Hate About the Daily Prompt

I hate the daily prompt, guys.

“You’ve come into possession of one vial of truth serum. Who would you give it to (with the person’s consent, of course) — and what questions would you ask?”

It’s like these WordPress people know how much I despise talking about myself in blog posts. I’M JUST HERE TO WRITE MOVIE REVIEWS, OKAY???

So I’m going to avoid talking about myself and writing about what truth is to me or listing honest things about who I am. I’m into all that po-mo bullshit about truth being subjective anyway.

Since I primarily use this blog to post film reviews, I decided to write a short list of movies I honestly love to an embarrassing degree. This may be cheating slightly because I made an unnecessary list the last time I had no clue what to do with a prompt as well. IF BUZZFEED CAN DO IT, SO CAN I. Without further ado:

  1. 10 Things I Hate About You

Not that I’m embarrassed about the degree to which I ADORE this movie, but it was the first thing I thought of when I was trying to work on today’s prompt. Ha, kind of because I considered writing a list of reasons I hate the daily prompt. This was my favorite movie when I was 10 and is still my favorite comedy. Heath Ledger in our hearts forever.

  1. 13 Going on 30

I love ‘80s movies, guys, especially of the teen angst variety. So it kind of makes sense that I love this film, which is basically a tribute to those movies. Really cheesy, but so fun to watch and surprisingly heartfelt. Any movie that features a large group of people performing the “Thriller” dance has to be at least halfway decent.

  1. Dragonheart

Mixed reviews for this one, but you’ll have to stab me in the heart to kill my love of this movie. TOO SOON. I find this movie every bit as traumatizing as I did as a child. It pretends to be a fun medieval adventure and then it breaks your HEART. Sean Connery voices the dragon, which is pretty fantastic. The line “To the stars, Bowen. To the stars” in Sean Connery’s voice randomly pops into my head to this day.

  1. The English Patient

I know…it’s that movie Elaine from Seinfeld hates. As a result, this film has gotten the reputation of being boring and pretentious, but it’s so good. The desert shots are absolutely gorgeous, and the story is utterly devastating. I love that this movie is incredibly romantic, but it’s also a disturbing and kind of creepy love story. And I’m sorry, but I find Ralph Fiennes ridiculously attractive (ahem, even when he’s playing Voldemort), and this movie is basically the equivalent of looking at his face for 2 ½ hours.

  1. Miss Minoes

This is a Dutch children’s movie about a cat who is transformed into a woman and takes down an evil corporation. I don’t know if it would be considered a classic of filmmaking, but there are so many kittens in this movie, the acting is actually pretty great, and it never fails to make me laugh. I may post my Facebook review of this film here on WordPress someday.

  1. Penelope

Hmmmmmm…I’m starting to realize what a shallow human being I am when it comes to movie watching. I basically love this movie because James McAvoy is rocking some beautiful shaggy hair throughout, and he never once gets beaten or tortured (if you follow his career, this happens A LOT in most movies he’s in). The film kind of hits you over the head with its message and features some very one-dimensional characters, but it’s still pretty cute and mostly works.

  1. The Pink Panther (and all of its sequels)

I feel like such a jerk for neglecting to mention this movie more frequently. Obviously I love it if I named my damn blog in its honor. Peter Sellers is so brilliant in these movies, even when they devolve into absolute nonsense. Even though the first one has some spectacularly dark humor, I enjoy the sequels (esp. The Pink Panther Strikes Again) featuring Burt Kwok and Herbert Lom as well.

  1. Sabrina

Included this movie because the premise is really sketchy, but I love it anyway. Humphrey Bogart pretty much plans to seduce his younger brother’s fiancée because she’s their chauffeur’s daughter and not good enough to marry into the family. Plus Bogie is waaaaaaaaaay too old for Audrey Hepburn, but I just don’t care. It’s Humphrey Bogart. This movie is so much better than I’m making it sound, I swear.

  1. Shakespeare in Love

All I ever hear people say about this movie is that it shouldn’t have won Best Picture over Saving Private Ryan. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the outrage—Shakespeare in Love also won over Life Is Beautiful, one of my absolute favorite movies. Should this film have won Best Picture? I don’t know, but I LOVE all of the Shakespeare references, and I flipping love Judi Dench. Also, like his brother Ralph, Joseph Fiennes has a pretty nice face to watch for a couple of hours.

    10.  Star Trek IV

I think this is the most critically acclaimed of the Star Trek movies until the reboot. That being said, it’s still an incredibly cheesy movie that makes very little sense (even for Star Trek). This movie makes me laugh every time, though. It almost makes up for the effrontery to filmmaking that is Star Trek V (sorry, Shatner).

It should go without saying that I love a lot of bad movies too…but it was just too difficult to decide which ones to list here. Maybe I’ll do a top 10 bad movie countdown eventually.

I am also honestly trying to get my posts to 500 words or even 750…but I’m not a particularly concise writer. There’s a reason I don’t do Twitter.

Blogging 101, Film Reviews

Hobo with a Shotgun (and Bear Sweatshirt)

The Film:

Hobo with a Shotgun (Appreciate that I was watching this in the middle of the day in a sandwich shop between shifts.)

Where to Watch:

Amazon Prime, Hoopla (shamelessly promoting the shit out of library resources)

The Premise:

A corrupt mob boss rules Scum Town through violence and terror until he encounters Rutger Hauer, the titular hobo with a shotgun (yeah, I know he’s in Blade Runner, but I always think of him as the Huntsman from 10th Kingdom).

The Uncondensed Version:

Our film opens with deceptively cheerful music accompanying shots of the hobo riding the rails, waving at the occasional car, and generally enjoying the sunshine and greenery he passes. All of this exists solely to provide contrast with the environment of Scum Town. There’s graffiti everywhere, street fighting (some of which has been staged for filming), litter filling the streets, and the sounds of nearby gun shots.

A man wearing a beanie hitches a ride on a train, looking serenely at the greenery passing by.
Yeeeeeeeah, there’s no way this movie is going to be about the simple joy of a life spent riding the rails.

The villain of this film arrives on the scene, a really obnoxious mob boss who calls himself “The Drake.”  He’s pursuing a guy with a manhole cover around his neck. After catching this guy, The Drake and his sons (Slick and Ivan) put him back in the manhole, attach a spiky rope to his neck, and drive, thus decapitating him.

At this point the hobo lays low; he just wants to collect bottles and get enough money for a fucking lawn mower (seriously).

Later, the hobo follows Ivan and Slick into a seedy club with deadly bumper cars and other games generally involving blood and torture. The hobo saves a prostitute named Abby from Slick, making a citizen’s arrest and taking him to the police station. At this point, the hobo finds out the hard way that the police are corrupt; he is thrown into a cell. Later, Slick and Ivan arrive, carving the word “SCUM” onto his chest. That’s just rude.

Abby helps the hobo to her apartment and lets him stay for the night. She gives him a sweatshirt that rivals 3 Wolf Moon.

An older man in a warmly lit bedroom sits on a bed, smiling while holding up a sweatshirt with a roaring grizzly bear.
I guess when you’re a hobo, you probably aren’t too picky about the appearance of your sweatshirts.

Then the hobo tells us some facts about bears: They live in a magic circle; You should never hug a bear. It made me wish the movie were Rutger Hauer talking about bears.

In the morning, the hobo leaves the apartment and chews glass for the guy filming street fights. AT LAST he has enough money to buy a lawn mower.

Unfortunately, he arrives at the pawn shop as it’s being robbed. At this point, the hobo becomes the titular hobo with a shotgun, shooting the robbers and saving the people in the pawn shop. What we need now is a montage (even Rocky had a montage) to show the hobo shooting the bad guys and cleaning up the city. And we get it, along with the newspaper headline “Hobo Stops Begging, Demands Change.”

A man wearing a beanie shouts as he points a shotgun towards an unknown target in a shop.

In retaliation, Ivan and Slick light a school bus on fire in case anyone is still confused about whether they have any moral scruples. Then The Drake tells the town to kill the entire town’s homeless or he’ll kill all the children. “Bring me that hobo” becomes a line that receives significant use.

The hobo saves Abby again after Ivan and Slick try to kill her in her apartment. Ivan likes to walk around on ice skates, which is a convenient set up for him being electrocuted with a toaster.

Abby ends up in the hospital, where the hobo brings her some flowers in a Dixie cup. He then gives the babies in the hospital the most de-motivational speech: essentially, some day you’ll all be prostitutes, drug dealers, or maybe a hobo with a shotgun.

At this point, The Drake unleashes the Plague (basically robot Nazis), who catch the hobo.

A person wearing a gas mask stands next to wall with religious iconography; in the background, a large tentacle rises up.
The Plague also has some kind of tentacle monster…? Maybe this script was written by Alan Moore?

Now the movie is Abby with a shotgun. She rallies the townspeople by forcing them to confront the nature of being homeless; what does homelessness mean? Who is truly homeless?

The Drake begins a public execution of the hobo, but Abby arrives in the nick of time with the shotgun and a hacked lawnmower. She threatens to shoot his son Ivan (Slick has already died), which doesn’t faze The Drake. He shoots Ivan, then grabs Abby and sticks her hand in the mower (total Romancing the Stone moment). Abby then stabs The Drake repeatedly.

Bizarrely, Abby kills one of the Plague robots; the other tells her she must replace him as a member of the Plague. When she declines, he just walks away.

A woman with a rifle and improvised shield stands confidently in a dark, dusty area outside.
I would have liked to see Abby join the Plague, honestly, if only to figure out what the actual fuck the Plague IS.

Meanwhile, The Drake is miraculously still alive and attempting to escape. The hobo is just about to shoot him when the police arrive and order him to stand down. He shoots The Drake, and then dies when the police open fire. Shortly after, the townspeople arrive and rebel against the corrupt police force, order is restored, etc.

The hobo’s last words: You’re riding shotgun.

The Critique:

This movie looked like it was shot in a 13-year-old’s basement. Maybe it’s supposed to.  Because this movie is a tribute to ‘70s exploitation films, the acting is soooooooooooooo bad; the dialogue is worse.  I don’t really understand how they convinced Rutger Hauer to appear in this movie.  The plot is really predictable except for maybe the sudden appearance of the Plague.  It’s still not clear to me what the Plague IS except for robot Nazis.  Do they work for The Drake or just generally anyone who wants to commit evil acts?  Are they evil fairy godmothers?  THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ISSUE THAT REMAINS UNRESOLVED.

The Rating:

Small Pink PantherSmall Pink Panther2/5 Pink Panther heads

Apparently this movie was based on the winning entry in a trailer contest. It probably should have just stayed a trailer.

Blogging 101

Nobody Expects the…

I was reading One Little Library’s post The Best of 2014 (So Far!) on her favorite books of 2014, which gave me inspiration for this post. Some of her favorites are ones she didn’t think she would like (Elizabeth Gilbert’s latest, for example, which sounds like a fun read).

So I thought for today’s Blogging 101 task, I’d make a list of some things I have expected to hate, but have actually enjoyed quite a lot this year:

  1. Battlestar Galactica: science fiction tv show about humanity’s struggle to survive after sentient robots attack.

I didn’t necessarily expect to hate this show, but didn’t expect to get so sucked in by the plot and characters. There’s a lot of sci-fi that is just a vehicle for phallic spaceships exploding, but this isn’t one of them. BSG is a really intelligently written show that uses its sci-fi premise to offer social criticism and make you very uncomfortable. You will probably be extremely upset that Starbuck is a fictional character if you watch.

  1. Hanging out by myself in public places.

I have a lot of down time between many of my shifts, but it’s not worth my time/gas money to drive home. As a result, I’ve been spending a lot of time in sandwich shops reading, eating, and/or watching bad movies. It’s been quite pleasant to sit in a corner while people make me food and expect minimal human interaction. Even though I would still rather sprawl at home on the couch with no bra.

  1. Wolf Children: anime about a woman struggling to raise her half-wolf children after their father dies.

Guys, I am really not someone who enjoys anime. It usually just confuses me endlessly, but Wolf Children was a lovely movie about loss, family relationships, and establishing an identity independently (spoiler alert: there are also wolves. And children). I find Hosoda’s films highly imaginative but grounded in the deep emotional connections between characters. Plus there’s some beautiful animation going on in his movies.

  1. Kindred by Octavia Butler: science fiction novel about an African-American woman in the 1970s who is thrown back to the early 19th century to guide her plantation-owner ancestor.

I find sci-fi is very hit or miss for me, so even though I’d heard great things about Octavia Butler, I was skeptical about picking up this novel. I’m so glad I gave it a chance—one of my favorite books of any genre now. Kindred is so action-packed and absorbing with some very unsettling observations about race and gender in both the past and the present. No matter how disturbing this book became, I couldn’t put it down until I knew how it ended.

  1. Enlightened: tv show about a woman trying to change her life and the corporation she works for after having a huge meltdown on the job.

Cheating because I didn’t expect to hate this show, but I did read a lot of negative reactions towards Laura Dern’s character, which put me off watching. I ended up loving her character, who is extremely flawed but stubbornly optimistic. I didn’t expect a show about a woman having a mid-life crisis to seem all too relevant to my own life, and for the writers to basically send a giant “fuck you” to corporate America. Added bonus is the appearance of Luke Wilson in this series, who is aging extremely well.

  1. We Were Liars by E. Lockhart: pretty much the contemporary YA version of King Lear.

I don’t read a ton of YA fiction (too much angst—been there, done that), but I wanted a nice light summer read. While I suppose it didn’t end up being nice or light, it was a lot of fun to read and kept me in suspense until the end. Much more carefully and intelligently written than many other YA novels out there.

  1. Iron Sky: bad movie about Nazis who colonize the moon post-WWII.

I didn’t expect to hate this movie, but I didn’t have high hopes for it. The premise sounded like it could either be brilliant or horrendous. With its hyper-awareness of its own absurdity and surprising amount of snide political commentary, it’s definitely one of my favorite bad movies now.

  1. The Walking Dead: I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you’re familiar with this show. If not, it’s a tv show about zombies.

I just started watching this show, and I’m enjoying it so much more than I thought I would. It’s really disgusting, which is somewhat problematic because I’m usually eating when I watch tv. That being said, it’s not (quite) as much about blood and guts as I thought it would be, though I’m not sure how much longer I can keep watching without becoming totally repulsed by the human race as a whole.

  1. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: comedy tv show.

Kind of cheating again because I couldn’t think of any reason I wouldn’t love John Oliver’s show. However, I do love it more than I thought humanly possible, especially this clip from his latest episode:

What about you?

Have you been pleasantly surprised by anything that you initially thought would be terrible? Or maybe you’ve gone back to something you hated the first time and loved it the second time around.

Ha, I’ll hate you a lot if you say this blog. 🙂

Blogging 101, Film Reviews

The Visitors: Qu’est-ce que c’est?

The Film:

The Visitors

Where to Watch:


The Premise:

A 12th-century knight and his servant attempt to return to their own time after being transported to the 20th century.  Hijinks ensue.

The Uncondensed Version:

This movie is so weird, guys.

It starts out with Sir Godefroy travelling to marry his fiancée, Frénégonde, after saving the King of France; however, en route he encounters a witch.  Instead of killing her, he brings her back to the castle to burn her.  I’m not really clear why.  Possibly so the people will at least get to enjoy the entertainment of a public execution.  Or maybe medieval knights were way bigger believers in habeas corpus than I realized?  Either way, this turns out to be a really bad idea.  The witch drugs Godefroy so that he believes his fiancée’s father is a bear and kills him.  You can be sure that wedding isn’t happening now.

In an effort to change these events, Godefroy asks a wizard to send him back in time.  Because I guess even though witches practice dark magic, wizardry is perfectly acceptable to the typical medieval knight.

a man with a long white beard proclaims "Time is a mountain, pierced by many hidden tunnels."
Seriously, you’re going to trust this guy with your life?

The wizard makes everything much worse by, in fact, sending Godefroy and his servant, Jacquouille, to the 1990s.  There, Godefroy encounters his descendant, Béatrice, who looks EXACTLY like his fiancée.  There were, in fact, a few times when I thought she was going to become her own great-great-great (etc.) grandmother, which was so uncomfortable.  Don’t sleep with your ancestors.  That is the first rule of time travel.  (It’s okay…nobody breaks this rule in The Visitors, but it comes pretty close.)

Béatrice, for her part, spends the majority of the film thinking Godefroy is her long-lost racecar driver cousin.  So she is usually trying to reintroduce him in polite society, which equates to cleaning up his messes.

a man in a flowing white shirt declares "A fine man, this Robespierre."
One of many cultural misunderstandings.

I don’t want this to be the longest entry ever and I would like to leave plenty of space for me to rant, so suffice it to say Godefroy keeps trying to find a way back to the 12th century for the rest of the movie.  I think there were a lot of puns and general archaic language I didn’t understand.

Finally, one of the wizard’s descendants gives Godefroy a potion that will take him back to the past.  Godefroy and Béatrice share a moment in which they proclaim how glad they are to have met each other.  I SERIOUSLY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WAS GLAD TO MEET HIM.  HE JUST FUCKED EVERYTHING UP.  I was also having a major Kindred (Octavia Butler) moment and thinking that this is why you’d never want to actually meet your ancestors:  you don’t want to know all of the awful, screwed-up things they have done, no matter how normal or even honorable they were considered at the time.

two men in medieval garb unravel the toilet paper in a public bathroom
They are basically cats in terms of the ability to fuck with EXACTLY what you would prefer they leave alone.

The end was pretty funny, though.  Jacquouille switches places with his descendant, who’s a huge jerk, and manages to stay in the 20th century with his girlfriend.  I felt (appropriately for this blog) it was a bit of a Pink Panther ending.

Meanwhile, Godefroy returns to the 12th century, kills the witch, marries Frénégonde, and everyone lives happily ever after.  Well, everyone besides the witch, that is.

The Critique:

I think I’m used to the kind of time travel movie where you have to learn a heartwarming lesson about yourself and/or the importance of family.  Probably the influence of too much Disney/Back to the Future.  Sooooooooooo I was pretty much expecting Enchanted in French, but also Monty Python.  OKAY, FINE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT.  But Godefroy didn’t learn anything from his whole time-travel escapade, and that upset me.

a man in chainmail armor commands "Bow down before me, and I shall be clement"
Maybe the only lesson here is that a 12th-century French knight will act like a dick in every century.

And I couldn’t help thinking Jacquouille’s got it right in this situation.  I suppose no matter what time you are from, you would probably want to get back because it’s full of the people, geography, and worldview you are familiar with.  But I don’t know, if you could live in a time and place in which you are less likely to die of the plague or an infected splinter or whatnot, wouldn’t that be appealing?  Wouldn’t you at least take some penicillin with you?

There’s apparently a sequel as well as an American remake (of course), but I’m not sure I’ll add those to the bucket list.  They both look so very painful.

The Rating:

Small Pink PantherSmall Pink PantherSmall Pink Panther3/5 Pink Panther heads

Sorry every film I review seems to be a 3/5.  Just remember the bell curve, okay?

Blogging 101, Film Reviews

Hipster Headache: The Lark Farm

I’m cheating a little bit at Blogging 101 for this post. My “new element” for this prompt is the introduction of a new series of film reviews tentatively called “Hipster Headache,” written using my inner hipster. Occasionally I enjoy watching movies that aren’t intentionally awful. In this new series, I’ll review whatever indie, foreign, or forgotten films strike my fancy.

This post is dedicated to you, dream reader. I suppose that is essentially just someone who gets my humor and doesn’t find my irreverence offensive.

First in this series?

The Lark Farm. You’ve probably never heard of it. It’s Italian.

Where to Watch?

You’ll have to borrow, rent, or buy; otherwise hope it’s hidden in some dark corner of the internet. Netflix is so mainstream.

The Premise?

Our film follows Nunik, a young Armenian woman who lives with her family in Turkey, through the Armenian genocide in 1915 and its aftermath.

The Uncondensed Version?

This is a rather mysterious film on my list because I have no recollection of how, when, or why I decided I would like to watch this movie. All I could remember was that it had something to do with WWI, and, since it’s the centennial of the war’s start, I thought I should write about at least one related film. I keep forgetting about the centennial even though my calendar for this year is WWI propaganda and then feeling bad about it. Since this film focuses on the Armenian genocide, I suppose I still haven’t really appropriately acknowledged WWI.

The movie begins with a close-up shot of grapes. I’m still not completely sure why; maybe they’re a symbol for the luxury and vitality of life in the pre-war period. Possibly because this movie is Italian, and you’ve got a lot of grapes and wine in Italy. There’s also the whole wine/blood of Christ thing. Maybe just because grapes are tasty and a nifty portable snack. Any or all of the above.

After we’ve seen a lot of grapes, the old patriarch of the family dies, but not before having a vision of blood and telling the family they must leave immediately. (This movie may actually be a retelling of Watership Down.)

The Turkish and Armenian community will be (briefly) united for the patriarch’s funeral. Our protagonist, Nunik, is pretty pumped for the funeral because she’ll be able to see the sexy Turkish soldier she’s been crushing on. She pretty much spends the entire funeral giving the Turkish soldier “come hither” glances.  This movie is going to end like The Sound of Music, isn’t it? Except with everyone dying.

A woman wearing a headscarf looks confidently ahead.
This can only end in tears.

The next day, the Turkish soldier visits Nunik and asks her to run away to Europe with him. I’m really not sure if going or staying would be a better option at this point.

A woman stands facing away from a man in uniform telling him, "I'm not afraid, but you shouldn't have come."
I swear, this exact line appears in Singing in the Rain.

The homeless Turkish guy who is a friend of Nunik’s family overhears their plan and reports it to the soldier’s commanding officer. The soldier gets the choice of being sent to the Russian front or being demoted and escorting the Armenians out of the country. He chooses the former.

This is interspersed with a lot of debating behind closed doors about the relative value versus threat of the Armenian people. As always with closed door discussions, there is a lot of snooping behind curtains and the like, which led me to anticipate Shakespearean-level misunderstandings and stabbings.

Soon after, the heads of all of the Armenian households are ordered to report to the prefecture. Unsurprisingly, very few of them actually go. Nunik’s family and several other members of the Armenian community flee to their remote property, the Lark Farm. Another not-so-shocking revelation: this ends terribly. The homeless guy is forced to show the Turks where the farm is. When they arrive, the Turkish troops kill all of the boys and men, then force the women to begin a death march.

At this point, everyone in Nunik’s family has died or is on the death march. All of the Turkish soldiers are completely awful except for one who is kind of decent. Nunik begins a sexual relationship with him, and he gives her bread for the children.

Meanwhile, the homeless guy feels terrible for betraying the family, so he and their maid plan to help them escape. Their big plan is to drive a wagon to the line of Armenians, then smuggle them out at night. Yeah. That’s the big plan…which actually WORKS. Mostly.  Somehow the homeless guy is able to approach Nunik in broad daylight and tell her to be ready for the escape that evening.

Nunik goes to see the decent-ish Turkish guy that evening, as usual. He tells her he has asked for a transfer closer to home, and promises to take her with him. She says she won’t be going with him, and actually TELLS HIM SHE PLANS TO ESCAPE TONIGHT. He becomes enraged, threatening to tell the other soldiers if she doesn’t agree to stay, reminding her that anyone who tries to escape is burned alive and beheaded.

A man and woman sit across from each other at a small table, the woman saying "I can no longer love anyone."
If threatening her with a fiery death doesn’t make her love you, then nothing will.

Eventually, the Turkish guy decides to let her go. However, as Nunik and her family escape, one of the girls screams after she drops an apple. (Children. Ruin. EVERYTHING.) Her family runs to the wagon, while Nunik runs back to the camp in an effort to distract the soldiers. It appears she will be burned alive when the decent-ish Turkish guy appears. He kills her quickly so she won’t suffer as much.

After the war, he testifies in court about the events of the massacre. When the judge asks who he is accusing specifically, he says, “Myself” because he killed the woman he loved. This scene might have been more convincing to me if he hadn’t threatened to have her BURNED AND BEHEADED shortly before.

The Critique?

There’s nothing as painful as a sincere but awful war film. I felt bad that I didn’t feel any sympathy for the characters, then I felt bad because I felt the directors cared a great deal about this movie but it still fell short, and then I felt bad for the real victims of the Armenian genocide who receive this film as one of the few tributes to their memory.

I just didn’t care about any of the characters, and it didn’t really bother me that terrible things happened to them.  So either I have a heart of stone or the film failed to establish sympathetic characters and evoke any feelings of compassion. Both could be true but, since I’m the critic, I blame the film.

It might have been more interesting for one of the children to reflect years later on how Nunik saved them. Or even for the decent-ish Turkish guy to be haunted by what he had seen and done.

Also, the first Turkish soldier was a completely unnecessary character in this film. This is a comparatively minor issue, but he appears on the front cover of the DVD case even though he’s in the movie for about 15 minutes. Maybe he’s a big star in Italy? That’s the only logical explanation.

The Rating?

Small Pink PantherSmall Pink PantherSmall Pink Panther3/5 Pink Panther heads

Blogging 101

Who Are You? What Is This Blog?

Hello fellow bloggers (and readers)!

My name is Jillian, and I’m a blogger.

I am, among other things, a librarian, amateur chef, reader, cat lady, and occasional writer.

On this blog, I pretend to be a film critic. I started critiquing bad movies as a way to entertain a few of my friends on Facebook, then decided to begin blogging about the frequently terrible movies I watch.

I decided to switch from Facebook to WordPress for writing these posts for a couple of reasons. First, as a librarian, I DESPISE the way Facebook organizes notes; it’s so easy for them to get lost in time and space since it’s impossible to search by keyword. Blogging gives me more control over the look, content, and retrieval of my posts.

Second, I’m more likely to stick to goals for myself if I have a lot of witnesses. Everyone in the world can see when I don’t post on time (and I know everyone is personally disappointed in me when I neglect to post).

Blogging allows me to multi-task when it comes to my personal goals. Being critical comes naturally to me, so I decided to use this talent(?) to do something productive. I’d also like a low-risk way to get back into the habit of writing and gauge how people react to it. By blogging, I can stay busy, get some writing practice in, and meet new people without the slow torture that is small talk.

Soon I will probably just blog about whatever movies I watch, regardless of whether they are considered bad or not. (I can do goals for myself, but I always end up breaking any limitations I place on myself.) I might eventually review books, TV shows, recipes, or anything else that strikes my fancy—anything that will keep this blog interesting for me (and hopefully for you). My hope is to trigger other writing projects by working on this blog, but I’m not sure I’ll ever post any of that here.

Through this blog, I’m taking the Teddy Roosevelt approach to life: “There were all kinds of things I was afraid of at first, ranging from grizzly bears to ‘mean’ horses and gun-fighters; but by acting as if I was not afraid I gradually ceased to be afraid” (yeah, I’ve been watching The Roosevelts). I probably won’t be a Teddy Roosevelt-level badass, but I’m determined to stand my ground when facing the grizzly bear that is blogging.

Please feel free to ask me anything at all!  I’ll probably answer you as long as you don’t ask me something creepy.

Film Reviews

Remembrance of Pigs Past

This review is the first in a new series called “Remembrance of Films Past,” in which I will re-visit movies I watched as a child to see how terrible my instincts were. It’ll be just like the Nostalgia Critic ( but with lower production values.

The first movie in this series is Babe: Pig in the City, which I loathed as a child. Let’s see if the memory of this film is so unpleasant that I would gladly expunge it. Yeah, I just paraphrased Proust in this review of Babe: Pig in the City.  Because this blog wasn’t pretentious enough to begin with.

The Film:

Babe: Pig in the City

Where to Watch:

Buy/rent from Amazon, check out from your local library, etc.

The Premise:

After inadvertently leaving Farmer Hoggett with broken bones and head trauma, Babe goes to the city with Mrs. Hoggett to enter a sheep herding competition that will supposedly save the farm.

The Uncondensed Version:

After the events of Babe, Farmer Hoggett and Babe return home, greeted by the locals with pig empowerment signs like “PIGS R BEST,” “HURRAH PIG,” and “PIG OF THE YEAR.”

a group of people with balloons and congratulatory signs surrounds a man with a blue ribbon and a pig standing behind the cab of a truck
Wait–who’s driving the truck?

This scene is merely designed to contrast with the rest of the film, in which the mighty FALL. Babe accidentally drops a water pump on Farmer Hoggett’s head while he’s repairing the well in a scene that reminded me a bit of a similar scene in There Will Be Blood.

a man is lowered  by rope down a stone well
“I am an oilman, ladies and gentlemen.”

As a result, Mrs. Hoggett must take Babe to the sheep herding competition in Metropolis that will SAVE THE FARM, but not before the mice can sing “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien.” SERIOUSLY. As Mrs. H and Babe leave, the sheep chant “save the farm,” the version of “baa ram ewe” reserved for times of recession.

Unfortunately, things go badly from the beginning of the trip. Mrs. H gets held at the airport under suspicion of smuggling drugs.  (The drug dog is named SNOOP.  Get it, get it?)  She is eventually released, only to end up staying with Babe in an extremely sketchy hotel.

Also staying in the hotel is a clown named FUGLY with his performing monkeys. One of the monkeys steals Mrs. H’s bag, so Babe follows him. Another one of the monkeys is named Thelonious (Monkey?), which I thought was POLONIUS for 75% of the movie. I became incredibly nervous any time he stood anywhere even remotely near a curtain.  I don’t want to see any monkeys get stabbed, no matter how morally ambiguous they are.

Babe basically gets kidnapped and has to perform as part of the clown’s show until he accidentally lights the entire set on fire to “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien.” The clown DIES, leaving Babe and the monkeys with nowhere to go.

Meanwhile, Mrs. H gets arrested when she unintentionally incites a riot. I don’t know what the message is here with all of the inadvertent mishaps. Clumsy people are a menace to our society? The road to hell is paved with good intentions?

Anyway, since Babe and the monkeys (can this be someone’s band name please? Babe and the Monkeys?) have nowhere to go and nothing to eat, they steal food from dogs. Or, rather, Babe unknowingly leads the dogs on a really long chase while the monkeys steal their food. The chase ends with a bull terrier who was chasing Babe almost drowning, but Babe saves him. After this, all the animals feel the need to share their incredibly sad stories, including “My human tied me in a bag and throwed me in the water.”

Then Babe sings “If I Had Words to Make a Day for You” (thank GOD) and basically becomes their führer.

All of the animals live in the hotel now until this really long, heartbreaking scene in which everyone gets taken to the pound except Babe, Ferdie the duck (who manages to track down Babe), one of the monkeys, and a dog on wheels, who gets HIT BY A CAR.

a dog with wheels attached to its back legs lies motionless in a dark alley
That wheel just keeps spinning and spinning.

Naturally, there is a prison break in which Babe springs all of the animals from the pound.

Then, for reasons I don’t remember (I should’ve taken better notes), Mrs. H ruins a fancy gala by swinging from a chandelier wearing Fugly the Clown’s inflatable pants in order to save Babe and the others. I’m sorry, but I’m not watching this film again to figure out why this scene exists.

a woman in inflated balloon-like pants swings from a balcony as well-dressed onlookers react in shock

Everyone, including the monkeys, strays, and other misfits, moves back to the farm, which the narrator describes “in a place just a little left of the 20th century.” A place called…the Twilight Zone.

The bull terrier and a poodle have adorable mutts that I wish could exist in nature…and then the poodle runs away with another dog!

puppies with pink wigs play together in a field
I’ll take them all, please.

At least the film ends with Farmer Hoggett saying “That’ll do, Pig. That’ll do.”

Then you get to the ending song, “That’ll Do,” written by Randy Newman and performed by PETER GABRIEL.

Sample lyrics include:

“A kind and steady heart can make a gray sky blue,

And a task that seems impossible is quite possible for you.

A kind and steady heart is sure to see you through,

It may not seem like very much right now, it’ll do, it’ll do.”

The Critique:

Yeah, I still hate this movie. It’s really uneven, and just emotionally empty. There was a lot more slapstick-style humor than in Babe, most of which falls short.

On the other hand, some critics (including Roger Ebert) really liked this movie because it was much darker than the first movie. I’m not sure I accept that. There are some very dark moments in the film, but the original Babe had some distinctly bleak moments of its own. Remember that Babe was the only one of his family to escape the slaughterhouse because he was a runt? What about when all of Fly’s puppies were adopted by other people? And how sadistic that farm cat was??? For Christ’s sake, Maa DIED, for which BABE was blamed and nearly shot by Farmer Hoggett (spoilers spoilers spoilers). But these moments were balanced out by some really sweet moments between Babe, the other animals, and (obviously) Farmer Hoggett. Babe: Pig in the City is all about how all you need is a pure heart, blah blah blah. I’m sorry, but not even Peter Gabriel can make that message seem anything less than trite and cheesy.

The Rating:

Small Pink PantherSmall Pink PantherSmall Pink Panther3/5 Pink Panther heads

I think the sad truth is that Babe is way more adorable as a piglet. It’s weird how much hair he has as a grown pig.

Film Reviews

FDR: American Badass

I’m too tired to come up with a clever title for this post (and I know I’ve set the bar really high with my previous titles).  Instead, I will allow FDR to speak for himself as an American badass.

The Film:

FDR:  American Badass

Where to Watch:


The Premise:

Near the end of his term as governor of New York, FDR is attacked by a werewolf, contracting polio and uncovering a Nazi plot to take over the world and turn its inhabitants into werewolves as well.

The Uncondensed Version:

This film starts out with a brief narration by FDR, which includes the classic line “Badassery is not born, but often thrust upon you.”  So the movie begins with promise.

The action opens with Governor Roosevelt and a few other politicians hunting in what I’m assuming is Hyde Park (fun fact of the day:  I’ve been there.  Pretty sure this movie was not filmed on location).  The hunters encounter an incredibly low-budget werewolf, who engages FDR in a fistfight.  Ultimately, FDR kills the werewolf using (perhaps my favorite reveal of this movie) a gun called Eleanor’s Eulogy Maker, but he is also bitten, thus contracting polio (WHAT).

Close up of a small handgun with the words "Eleanor's Eulogy Maker"
ELEANOR’S EULOGY MAKER. I can’t get over that.

After the autopsy, it’s discovered the werewolf is a NAZI werewolf.  The last werewolf attack on a public figure happened to Lincoln; what does it all mean???

Upon leaving the hospital, FDR announces his candidacy for president and says some really inappropriate things about his dick.

While on the campaign trail, FDR encounters a really strange Southern gentleman, Cleavon Buford, who will eventually become Vice President.  (This is where I wish I remembered my history a bit better…but he has to be made up, right?  There has never been a VP named Cleavon Buford, right???)

So Buford has a few really disgusting stories about how his hometown, Warm Springs, got its name.  Please don’t make me repeat them.  According to Buford, the springs will cure FDR’s polio (they don’t).

In response, FDR says “cock” a lot.  A LOT.  I suspect because this movie was written by 12-year-old boys.  Further evidence:  FDR refers to himself as “the Delano.”  There is also an ongoing joke about FDR’s adult son shitting in vases.  Yeeeeeeah.

Meanwhile, in Germany, werewolf Hitler calls werewolf Mussolini and werewolf Hirohito to discuss a new plan.  They will send the Italian mafia to the US with werewolf blood booze that will turn everyone into werewolves.

From L to R: Werewolf Hitler, Werewolf Hirohito, Werewolf Mussolini. Not a caption I ever expected to write.

To stop this plan, Dougie Mack (which took me forever to realize was Douglas McArthur) reveals a special armed wheelchair for FDR designed by Einstein (of course).  FDR goes to Baltimore in this wheelchair, the Delano 2,000, to single-handedly stop the import of werewolf blood liquor.

FDR smokes a cigarette and pushes his wheelchair away from a fiery explosion behind him
The Delano 2,000 in action.

Shortly after, WWII begins.  Churchill, who refers to himself as Winnie, asks FDR to intervene, using that classic argument “we’re the only people who speak English in Europe, so you must help us.”

FDR, uncertain of what to do next, turns to Washington for advice.  Or, rather, he opens Washington’s humidor and lights up one of the joints inside.  As a result, he has a conversation with Lincoln.  This is pretty much the only movie I can think of in which Lincoln and FDR light up together.

As part of the sequence, it is revealed that Lincoln can fly (though, sadly, this is all part of a dream sequence).

Abraham Lincoln floats behind FDR in a wheelchair, pushing him through the clouds at night
I was hoping for a Titanic reenactment as well, but that sadly never happened. Though we can always hope for FDR: American Badass 2.

After his trip with Lincoln, FDR decides he must intervene in WWII, which will involve him storming Normandy beach with the help of approximately 6 people.  He goes to DAYTON, where he gives an inspirational speech to the soldiers involved in this top secret mission (including “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”).

A man stands next to another man in a wheelchair. Both are in front of a large fighter plane.
“Dayton, Ohio.” (Again…pretty sure this was not shot on location.)

Then FDR himself flies a plane to Normandy.  For whatever reason, Buford is on the plane, drinking a martini (this is the only thing he does more in the film than over-act).  He jumps out of the plane with no parachute and dies…maybe this is supposed to reference the number of VPs FDR had?

As is to be expected, FDR kills Mussolini and Hitler and brings about VE-Day.  It’s just like a Humphrey Bogart movie except with FDR and considerably more werewolves.

The immortal last line of the movie:  “It’s Franklin Delano Roosevelt, motherfucker!”

The Critique:

I expected this movie to be more entertaining since, initially, the script got most of its humor by present an alternate history with werewolves.  However, it didn’t take long for the dialogue to devolve into middle school-level jokes about polio, bodily functions, and penises.  Would a true badass feel the need to talk about his dick all the time?  I don’t think so, FDR.

Another problem that endures throughout the film is the character of Eleanor Roosevelt.  I KNOW this movie is in no way intended as a serious study of the Roosevelts, but Eleanor is portrayed as a woman who faints at the sight of FDR’s polio-stricken legs and spends the majority of her time nervously knitting.

The only scene in which Eleanor seems more, well, Eleanor-y, occurs after a really uncomfortable not-quite-sex scene where FDR’s secretary licks ketchup and mustard off of his legs.  Eleanor appears, declaring that she’s “going to have to strongarm a bitch.”  That line, along with the Eulogy Maker, make me wish this movie had been Eleanor Roosevelt, American BAMF.

Finally, I know it’s a bit obvious, but I was disappointed the line “The only thing we have to fear is Nazi werewolves” or something similar didn’t appear in the script.

The Rating:

Small Pink PantherSmall Pink PantherSmall Pink Panther3/5 Pink Panther heads

FDR:  American Badass did provide some entertainment, but a movie about FDR fighting Nazi werewolves should’ve been much better.  I would probably give it 2.5, but I’ve decided not to do half points.  A half Pink Panther head is too sad to be used as part of a rating scale.