I’m too tired to come up with a clever title for this post (and I know I’ve set the bar really high with my previous titles). Instead, I will allow FDR to speak for himself as an American badass.
FDR: American Badass
Where to Watch:
Near the end of his term as governor of New York, FDR is attacked by a werewolf, contracting polio and uncovering a Nazi plot to take over the world and turn its inhabitants into werewolves as well.
The Uncondensed Version:
This film starts out with a brief narration by FDR, which includes the classic line “Badassery is not born, but often thrust upon you.” So the movie begins with promise.
The action opens with Governor Roosevelt and a few other politicians hunting in what I’m assuming is Hyde Park (fun fact of the day: I’ve been there. Pretty sure this movie was not filmed on location). The hunters encounter an incredibly low-budget werewolf, who engages FDR in a fistfight. Ultimately, FDR kills the werewolf using (perhaps my favorite reveal of this movie) a gun called Eleanor’s Eulogy Maker, but he is also bitten, thus contracting polio (WHAT).
After the autopsy, it’s discovered the werewolf is a NAZI werewolf. The last werewolf attack on a public figure happened to Lincoln; what does it all mean???
Upon leaving the hospital, FDR announces his candidacy for president and says some really inappropriate things about his dick.
While on the campaign trail, FDR encounters a really strange Southern gentleman, Cleavon Buford, who will eventually become Vice President. (This is where I wish I remembered my history a bit better…but he has to be made up, right? There has never been a VP named Cleavon Buford, right???)
So Buford has a few really disgusting stories about how his hometown, Warm Springs, got its name. Please don’t make me repeat them. According to Buford, the springs will cure FDR’s polio (they don’t).
In response, FDR says “cock” a lot. A LOT. I suspect because this movie was written by 12-year-old boys. Further evidence: FDR refers to himself as “the Delano.” There is also an ongoing joke about FDR’s adult son shitting in vases. Yeeeeeeah.
Meanwhile, in Germany, werewolf Hitler calls werewolf Mussolini and werewolf Hirohito to discuss a new plan. They will send the Italian mafia to the US with werewolf blood booze that will turn everyone into werewolves.
To stop this plan, Dougie Mack (which took me forever to realize was Douglas McArthur) reveals a special armed wheelchair for FDR designed by Einstein (of course). FDR goes to Baltimore in this wheelchair, the Delano 2,000, to single-handedly stop the import of werewolf blood liquor.
Shortly after, WWII begins. Churchill, who refers to himself as Winnie, asks FDR to intervene, using that classic argument “we’re the only people who speak English in Europe, so you must help us.”
FDR, uncertain of what to do next, turns to Washington for advice. Or, rather, he opens Washington’s humidor and lights up one of the joints inside. As a result, he has a conversation with Lincoln. This is pretty much the only movie I can think of in which Lincoln and FDR light up together.
As part of the sequence, it is revealed that Lincoln can fly (though, sadly, this is all part of a dream sequence).
After his trip with Lincoln, FDR decides he must intervene in WWII, which will involve him storming Normandy beach with the help of approximately 6 people. He goes to DAYTON, where he gives an inspirational speech to the soldiers involved in this top secret mission (including “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”).
Then FDR himself flies a plane to Normandy. For whatever reason, Buford is on the plane, drinking a martini (this is the only thing he does more in the film than over-act). He jumps out of the plane with no parachute and dies…maybe this is supposed to reference the number of VPs FDR had?
As is to be expected, FDR kills Mussolini and Hitler and brings about VE-Day. It’s just like a Humphrey Bogart movie except with FDR and considerably more werewolves.
The immortal last line of the movie: “It’s Franklin Delano Roosevelt, motherfucker!”
I expected this movie to be more entertaining since, initially, the script got most of its humor by present an alternate history with werewolves. However, it didn’t take long for the dialogue to devolve into middle school-level jokes about polio, bodily functions, and penises. Would a true badass feel the need to talk about his dick all the time? I don’t think so, FDR.
Another problem that endures throughout the film is the character of Eleanor Roosevelt. I KNOW this movie is in no way intended as a serious study of the Roosevelts, but Eleanor is portrayed as a woman who faints at the sight of FDR’s polio-stricken legs and spends the majority of her time nervously knitting.
The only scene in which Eleanor seems more, well, Eleanor-y, occurs after a really uncomfortable not-quite-sex scene where FDR’s secretary licks ketchup and mustard off of his legs. Eleanor appears, declaring that she’s “going to have to strongarm a bitch.” That line, along with the Eulogy Maker, make me wish this movie had been Eleanor Roosevelt, American BAMF.
Finally, I know it’s a bit obvious, but I was disappointed the line “The only thing we have to fear is Nazi werewolves” or something similar didn’t appear in the script.
FDR: American Badass did provide some entertainment, but a movie about FDR fighting Nazi werewolves should’ve been much better. I would probably give it 2.5, but I’ve decided not to do half points. A half Pink Panther head is too sad to be used as part of a rating scale.