The Pink Panther Snipes Again

Bad Movie Reviews with a Touch of Snark

Ravenous, or: Battle of the Beards

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Another Monday, another blog collab!  Check out Christa’s review here!

The Film:

Ravenous

Where to Watch:

Netflix

The Premise:

CANNIBALISM. Nineteenth-century California. I have nothing else to add; you’re either into it or you aren’t.

The Trailer:

The Uncondensed Version:

So Guy Pearce is getting a medal for his brave service in the Mexican-American War and attending a nice dinner with a bunch of military dudes. Basically, it’s good to be Guy Pearce…for about 3 minutes. He’s really grossed out by everyone’s eating sounds/the bloody steak, which is giving him really bad war flashbacks. When he goes outside and throws up, I guess it’s the last straw for the general (or whatever his rank is?) because he suddenly decides Guy is heading to a remote fort in California.

When he gets to the fort, Guy realizes this is essentially high school; we’ve got the leader, the religious dude, the drunk guy, the extreme army man, the quiet one, and the stoners.

Screenshot_2015-04-17-15-21-27

I’m not even going to pretend I could afford to live anywhere in CA, wendigo or no.

Their delicate social hierarchy is thrown into chaos with the arrival of a severely injured Robert Carlyle (so you KNOW shit’s about to go down). It’s going to be battle of the beards b/c extravagant facial hair was a legal requirement for all serious-minded 19th-century dudes. Not sure what this says about me at the moment, but I kinda dig that every dude in this move seems to be going for the Jesus look.

RC tells his sad story, which is essentially a condensed version of the Donner Party. After they got stuck in a cave, the pioneers all started to eat each other. RC started to feel stronger and in general manlier after consuming human flesh, but he also developed an intense craving for it. George, the Native American guy who likes to get high with David Arquette (seriously), warns everyone about wendigos, but no one is particularly concerned.

Most of the men at the fort form a search party because when RC ditched his group, he left the only lady alone with the insane captain who led them down the path of cannibalism. Perhaps unsurprisingly, shit goes down almost immediately. One of the men falls halfway down the mountain they’re scaling, and all the other dudes secretly breathe a sigh of relief b/c least competent member of the group has already been decided. The injured guy wakes up in the night to find RC licking his wound (not a euphemism), so RC asks the others to tie him up. He starts freaking out as the group approaches the cave, and Guy + super soldier go in to investigate.

Pretty quickly, they realize this is a trap; there are 5 skeletons hanging in the cave, making RC the only survivor in their party of 6…aka the MURDERER/CANNIBAL/WENDIGO.

Screenshot_2015-04-17-15-14-29

Please, PLEASE quit OUAT and make more movies about cannibalism.

At the moment of their realization, RC digs up a knife he’s buried in the woods and kills everyone in the group to a very lively bluegrass song. Well, everyone except Guy Pearce. Guy shoots him, but RC is pretty much immune to death. To escape, Guy jumps off a cliff and rolls with the dead super soldier, who comes back to life and tries to kill Guy. Bonus points for this unexpectedly becoming a zombie movie.

Guy eventually makes his way back to the fort, where the military higher-ups don’t believe his story. Since the colonel is dead, the fort is in need of leadership in the form of…Robert Carlyle. Of course. He makes Guy look extra crazy by “proving” he’s not the same man as he is totally free of injury.

When Guy confronts him, RC tries to get him to come over to the dark side. This might be Interview with the Vampire minus Kirsten Dunst?

Somebody else turns up dead, and Guy, who already seems suspicious, is locked up in preparation for a military prison. Also the colonel is alive again b/c he’s a wendigo now. He and RC convince Guy to eat human flesh stew in order to stay alive.

Shortly thereafter, the colonel starts losing it. He lets Guy go, and in exchange, Guy puts him out of his misery.

Then Guy goes after RC while wearing a really comfortable looking sweater.

Don’t ever make assumptions about people with comfy sweaters.

Don’t ever make assumptions about people with comfy sweaters.

Three possibilities here: one dies, both die, neither dies. Mostly because I can’t think of an interesting way to describe the extended fight scene that is also rife with sexual tension, I’m going to leave you with that.

Seriously, please tell me whether Guy is making a sexy face or a murder face.

Seriously, please tell me whether Guy is making a sexy face or a murder face.  Inability to differentiate between the two is the number one reason I have misgivings about relationships.

Also because I’m on a power trip.

The Critique:

I don’t know, I suppose what I really wanted of this movie was more cannibalism. Is that a strange criticism? I don’t care; IT’S VALID. It wasn’t quite as creepy as I wanted it to be, but that’s really the eternal problem, right? Also I wanted Guy Pearce to have less of a moral compass. I don’t understand how killing people AND hanging out with Robert Carlyle could be anything but a win-win situation.

However, I did really appreciate all shots of Guy Pearce looking like a moody Jesus (and there were A LOT).

The Rating:

Small Pink PantherSmall Pink PantherSmall Pink Panther 3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I’m not sure I totally understood this movie, but it gets a star for cannibalism, Guy Pearce, and Robert Carlyle, respectively.

See what Christa thought here!

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Author: jilliansheilas

I like books, bad movies, bothering my cats, and Herbert Lom. Sometimes I behave like an information professional.

9 thoughts on “Ravenous, or: Battle of the Beards

  1. Yes, it is a nice sweater. Just the thing for bearded California cannibals or information professionals. Shall I knit you one?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Do you think your mum will be knit me a murder jumper too? (Hi Jillian’s mum!).

    I love how we’re both incredulous that Guy Pearce isn’t enamoured with this lifestyle suggestion! I mean, where do I sign? would have been my first question.

    I like the subtlety of the humour and the gore so was okay with it all, but I suppose it was the character of Boyd that let me down. I wanted him to be more kick ass. Ah well, can’t win ’em all.

    Also, beards everywhere. It was basically my heaven. And all those roaring fires and furs… *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Great review BTW, as always. I love doing this collab so so much!! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • I strongly suspect my mother does not, in fact, know the first thing about knitting. But if that ever changes, I will definitely bribe her to make a murder jumper for you.
      Ha ha…if you’re a bearded guy, it seems like you should be more open to trying new things. TAKE NOTE, GUY PEARCE.
      And this collab is the greatest! It’s been keeping me blogging even when I want to just be a lump on the couch. Your reviews are fabulous too!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks Sugar, you also have kept me going! I love my blog and it’s all over the place in terms of content but I don’t care, I love doing all sorts of posts. So thanks again, very much appreciate our friendship xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  4. The idea of human-flesh stew slightly makes me want to never eat stew again. Which would not be a tragic thing as I’ve never been too attached to lumps of indistinguishable meat in watery stock. Bleh.
    That jumper does look reallllllly comfy though…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Ravenous (Film) Review | A Voluptuous Mind

  6. Pingback: Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab Top 10 | The Pink Panther Snipes Again

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