I really missed B movies. This week we’ve got mutant sharks, pollution, underwater research labs, and Danny Trejo. Largely picked because of Danny Trejo and some guy who spells “Jaason” with a double a, as well as Christa’s evil influence (obviously).
3-Headed Shark Attack
Where to Watch:
I…I really feel the title tells you everything you need to know about this one.
The Uncondensed Version:
It’s a movie about a shark attack, so obv open scene on a bunch of drunk college kids partying on the beach. Not even 2 minutes in and there are boobs, so I hope you’re comfortable with looking at boobs.
Actually, this is a very boob-centric film as the first tragedy happens because 2 dudes make a bet with a girl to get her to take her top off. We only get a glimpse of this woman without her bikini top as she becomes the titular 3-headed shark’s first victim in a rather unconvincing display of special effects. It should be noted that though the shark is aquatic, it can become a land shark in extreme circumstances.
Meanwhile, in an underwater laboratory…but seriously. There’s basically an entire office building underwater that serves as a base for a group of marine biologists, one of whom conveniently wears only a thong under her wetsuit.
The new intern, Maggie arrives, and it transpires she and one of her colleagues, Greg, used to date in college. Everyone just sort of stands around uncomfortably while Greg tells Maggie how great she looks. Okay, but even on underwater research labs there must be some semblance of professionalism, right?
You know this film is about to combine heart-stopping action with environmentalism when alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the scientists start talking about 1 in 5 specimens having horrible pollutant-induced mutations. Even though they are inside of a giant underwater research lab the whole time. I question how environmentally responsible such a structure is.
Apparently these fish are the canary in the coal mine as they can sense when the 3-headed shark is approaching, which tips off the scientists that something is majorly wrong.
Our main crew is able to escape, but of course there’s that one douchebag who just insists on getting a closer look at what he believes is a whale. WORST MARINE BIOLOGIST EVER. After snacking on the scientist, the shark takes a Godzilla turn and begins destroying the underwater research lab.
After getting their first good glimpse at the shark, the lead scientist exclaims, “I’ve never heard of a giant 3 headed shark either, but I guess all bets are off at this point!” Most of the dialogue is pretty much on that level.
Bad news: the crew is now stranded on a flooding island with no means of escape. And no one knows where the hell the Coast Guard is in this. Eaten by 3-headed shark???
The crew is forced to make a daring swim to the scientists’ boat, which only a few will survive. If at this point you’re thinking “Where the fuck is Danny Trejo?” don’t worry—we all are. But we finally hear his voice when he responds to the crew’s distress calls, which are somehow going to DT’s fishing boat rather than the Coast Guard (the fuck?). They ask DT to come help ASAP since the shark is now headed towards a party boat, which is a bit fucked up, esp. as they have no clue it’s even Danny Trejo on the other end of the line.
The scientific explanation for the shark following the party boat is the pollution is “making it insane.” Our team wins some and loses some during the party boat attack. All of this, of course, is leading up to a showdown between Danny Trejo and the 3-headed shark. DT exclaims in Spanish a lot, which apparently needs to be translated (like seriously “Madre de Dios” gets translated), shoots the shark, runs out of bullets, and proceeds to attack it with a machete. If I might add, all of which is stashed in his, ahem, “fishing boat.”
After this battle, the nightmare is over…or is it??? Let’s just say the shark now has super regenerative pollution powers.
This all leads to a plan for the shark to…literally eat itself alive. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.
3/5 Pink Panther Heads
This was fun to watch and there were some reasonably well-known cast members, but 3 is the highest rating I’m comfortable with. Mostly because I’ve cursed myself by trying to maintain a consistent rating system. Not bad for a B movie, though I don’t think this is destined to be a classic on the blog. And I still don’t get where the Coast Guard was in all this.
Perhaps what’s most impressive is that this is Maggie’s first day at work and she knows the names of and cares about all of them.
7 thoughts on “3-Headed Shark Attack, or: Pollution Did It”
I’m glad it’s not just me who didn’t really get the whole ending, I mean I get that the shark was fucked off but really, eating his own face off? There’s a moral in there somewhere I think, though I haven’t the strength to go looking for it now. Great review. What a film. I definitely loved it xoxo
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I snorted when Maggie said that line about the shark eating itself alive. HOW was that their brilliant plan???
And I am a bit disappointed who made it out alive. Why are all these creature features so pro-romance? Nothing brings people together like a giant mutant shark attack, eh?
I know, those two were pretty lame. I mean Maggie was okay but a bit wafty, I’d like to see an alternative ending where Stanley and Trejo survive and set off into the sun set clinking cold beers together. Maggie and whatever his name was had zero chemistry and their pathetic ‘back-story’ just made me want him to die sooner. UGH xo
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Ps. Whatever base make-up Maggie is wearing I need it, she looks 100 emoji at all times and it’s not realistic AT ALL xo
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Danny Trejo wielding a machete against a mutant three headed shark? Ha! I’m sold. Though even without watching I’m feeling the sketchiness of it eating itself… Xx