Book Reviews, books

Book Review: The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms

Since Invasion of the Tearling was such a letdown, I’ve been searching for another fantasy series to get lost in.  Say hello to book 1 of N.K. Jemisin’s Inheritance trilogy.

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms

N.K. Jemisin

Total pages:  425

Btw, I exercise more caution about spoiling books than movies, but there are still a reasonable number of spoilers here.

Though The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms begins with a premise so worn in fantasy that you think you know exactly where it’s going, don’t worry–YOU DON’T.

Yeine is our narrator, a young Darr woman of color living in a warrior clan of low prestige in this world order.  She is far removed from the ruling class, the Arameri, who oversee all of the hundred thousand kingdoms.  Though her mother was Arameri, Yeine is deliberately ignored since she is the mixed race product of an Arameri/Darr marriage.  To put things in perspective, it’s not out of the ordinary for the Arameri to go full on Targaryen and marry their own siblings.  Gross.  They’re pretty fucking serious about keeping the bloodline “pure.”  Again, gross.

Also important information about the world in which this trilogy is set:  there are 3 main gods and many godlings, many of which live amongst humans or at least make the occasional appearance to mortals.  The 3 gods ruled together as siblings/lovers (word of caution:  you have to accept or at least acknowledge a lot of incest in this series) until the jealous god Itempas killed his sister Enefa and enslaved his brother Nahadoth.  Now basically all except Itempas and those godlings who sided with him are enslaved as Arameri servants.  It definitely blows to be a god if you’re not even omnipotent.

Anyway, Yeine’s story begins when she is thrust into courtly life as a result of her grandfather, ruler of the Arameri, naming her as one of his heirs.  You’ll note she is one of his heirs—the Arameri are pretty fucked up and conduct a Hunger Games­-style competition for power until only one heir remains.

So based on all of this, you may have several assumptions about where the plot is going (or at least I did).  These assumptions may include:  1.  Yeine will bond with her grandfather and finally feel like she has a real family.  2.  As a bonus, Yeine will get to know her mother better through heartwarming stories about her.  3.  The last heir standing will be Yeine.  All of these assumptions are wrong.

What we get instead is a court intrigue DRAMA, filled with conspiracies, betrayals, and straight-faced lies.  Yeine also has a serious flirtation going on with the Nightlord himself, Nahadoth.  I am basically always going to support a plot involving pursuing a relationship with a dark god because it makes me envision men with a shitload of eyeliner and I’m into that.

Yeine is amazing as a character and narrator, Nahadoth just sounds insanely attractive, and there are a handful of interesting minor characters thrown in too.  Jemisin provides extremely apt social commentary and leaves virtually no stone unturned on issues of race, gender, sexuality, religion, and socioeconomic status.  I loved this one so much I think it could stand on its own (and definitely recommend reading it).

The Rating:

5/5 Pink Panther Heads

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Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews, Uncategorized

Ghost Shark, or: Goin’ Fishin’

It’s the last week of Shark Month on the blog, and I’m both sad and relieved.  No one is meant to endure as many consecutive shark movies as Christa and I have this month.

The Film:

Ghost Shark

Where to Watch:

This one is actually somewhat difficult to find!  I can’t find evidence of it ever getting a US release on DVD.

The Premise:

The titular ghost shark materializes along the beach of a coastal town.  It’s a good thing sharks are confined to the ocean…right?

The Uncondensed Version:

You know how you can plan a trip down to the last detail, but at a certain point you are inevitably going to get tired of your playlist/audiobook/video selections?  And from there you will just go off in a completely different direction that won’t be fun no matter how hard you try?

Yes.  This movie.

Like almost every other shark movie this month, we can thank an incredibly insensitive fishing crew for unleashing the shark’s wrath upon humanity.

Two crew members, angry at having lost a contest, use guns, crossbows, and finally a grenade to kill a great white shark.  Just because they’re angry?!!?!  These people have to be rage addicts because that is not a reasonable reaction to being angry.  Definitely on the shark’s side in all of this.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand who are the shark’s next victims?  Teens partying on the beach, of course.  And the old voyeuristic lighthouse keeper who watches them.

One of the first people to go is the girl playing the role of stereotypical teen bitch, aka the one floating on an inflatable pool raft in the OCEAN.  Is that a thing people do???  Ghost shark seems to favor jumping out of nowhere and biting people in half.

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Surely there are safety concerns, regardless of whether a ghost shark is haunting the waters.

Don’t worry—the police are on this, trying to explain the translucent shark as being a trick of sunlight reflecting on it(?).  As the crazy old lighthouse keeper warns, the shark has been sent to make everyone pay for their sins.

Priorities, though:  one of our main teens is nervous that now no one will come to his pool party.  Inevitably, this is not the case, and the pool is so full of teenagers that you know (even before learning some of the screwy rules of being a ghost shark) that a certain trick of the light phantom with many teeth will crash the party.

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This actually looks rather well thought-out for being a teen pool party.

Other highly improbable victims of the ghost shark:  a plumber working on the pipes under a kitchen sink, a child on a shark slip ‘n slide, and a teen girl at a car wash.  Yeah.

The teens decide to team up with the old lighthouse keeper for reasons that make increasingly less sense until…

Halfway through this movie it’s revealed that there’s all of this mythology surrounding the shark.  Like basically Roanoke happened but with a ghost shark.  And of course exorcising the shark requires some kind of dark magic-type book which has conveniently disappeared.

The law also gets involved, uttering classics like “Get your gear.  Goin’ fishin’,” and “I don’t want revenge; I want justice.”  FROM A FUCKING GHOST SHARK.  What does it even mean to get justice where a shark is concerned???  That’s a concept a shark just isn’t going to get.

Honorary Emmy for overacting goes to the lighthouse keeper, who just really commits to repeatedly losing his shit throughout the course of this film.

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

In contrast to the previous shark month selection, this is pretty bloody.  Which is perhaps the only shark movie box this one manages to check.

I got bored with this because the plot was so choppy, I didn’t care about any of the characters, and there was absolutely no logic to the existence or attacks of the ghost shark.  The shark was a ghost but required water to materialize?  But not a large body of water since even setting off sprinklers could allow it to begin a murderous rampage…  And what even created the ghost shark—nature’s thirst for vengeance?

I have so many questions that are destined to remain unanswered.

On a side note, the way this movie was shot makes it seem like it’s going to become a porno at any moment.  Just me?

Bonus:  Check out this Vulture article, which also features much higher quality screen caps than this post.  What can I say, the copy I found wasn’t the greatest quality ever.

You already know where to find another great review of this Shark Month feature.  Would Christa exorcise this one or take it to the car wash?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark vs. My Self-Respect

Just last week I had a bad movie crisis of conscience, asking Christa “Have we become bad movie snobs?” when we weren’t overly impressed with Sharknado.  However, I think this week’s Shark Month offering (could that phrasing be more confusing?) irrefutably proves we have not risen so far above our movie station that we can’t enjoy a film about a giant prehistoric shark fighting a manmade mechanical one.

The Film:

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

When a Megalodon emerges to terrorize the world’s oceans (for apparently the 3rd time), humanity uses a mechanical shark submarine to fight back.

The Uncondensed Version:

As in Sharknado, there’s virtually no build-up to seeing the titular Mega Shark, which doesn’t bode well, right?  I didn’t think so either.  Our opening scene concerns the most pretentious asshole sea captain ever playing chess and quoting Charles Bukowski to his first mate(?) and seemingly only other crew member.  They are hauling a huge iceberg to Alexandria because of a drought (I swear to god).  Unbeknownst to all involved, the iceberg contains…A MEGA SHARK (spoiler).  Or Megalodon, a word that people impressively use A LOT (or perhaps that’s a commentary on how low my standards have fallen).

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That was a long paragraph.  I feel you deserve a picture.

So anyway, immediately following ONE Megalodon attack, all countries of the world unite, and intercontinental travel is banned.  Is a Mega Shark attack REALLY what it takes to bring the world together???

In another surprising move, there’s no build up to the Mecha Shark or montage of it being built.  We cut straight to Rosie and Jack, who have been preparing to use the Mecha Shark to protect the world from Megalodon.  Rosie uses Mecha Shark’s Siri, aka Nero, to pilot the ship.  Shark.  Whatever.  You may believe Nero will go all Terminator and try to destroy humanity, and you may not be entirely wrong.  It’s never a good sign when a computer program insists you say please.  Jack, meanwhile, provides mission control-type support.

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What we need’s a montage…

Jack may be the wisest bad movie character ever—he reminds Rosie not to get cocky because that’s when mistakes happen.  He also tells the insane Navy dude to, I don’t know, NOT put nukes in the Mecha Shark.  And then everyone proceeds to say a bunch of scientific shit about alloys as they build a stronger, better, faster shark.  Because science.

Btw, insane Navy dude is kind of a douche.  He insists Rosie pilot the Mecha Shark before Jack can install Nero, who would of course play a vital role in finding and destroying Megalodon.  Jack is not thrilled about this, but is still pretty damn adorable, telling Rosie she could pilot a Rubik’s cube (which I honestly don’t understand, but I’m not mad).

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I, ahem, “ship” them so hard.  Get it?  …Ship…?  (Not sorry.)

Unsurprisingly, this first attempt to defeat Megalodon fails.  Though to be fair, they do fucking torpedo the Mega Shark, and it accomplishes NOTHING.  I feel it would have been a challenge to see that coming.

If at first you don’t succeed in destroying a Mega Shark, try, try again.  After convincing insane Navy dude to let Jack install Nero, Rosie attempts unsuccesfully to kill the shark.  This goes on for a little while with the loss of several ships yet almost a complete absence of bodies/gore(?!).  What kind of shark movie is this, anyway??!

Finally, after consulting with a blonde scientist who may have been a minor ‘80s pop star, Rosie and Jack learn that Sydney was a Megalodon breeding ground in the past.  Rosie heads to Sydney with the Mecha Shark for one final confrontation with the Megalodon.

AND, as predicted, Mecha Shark becomes sentient and tries to kill all humans (sort of).  It’s a classic man vs. shark vs. mecha shark story.

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On a side note, has there been a Nazi shark attack movie?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I KNOW.  I FEEL CONFLICTED ABOUT IT TOO.  But this was undoubtedly one of the better bad shark movies we’ve watched.  I actually cared about the characters and nearly lost my shit every time it seemed like Rosie was dead (which was a lot).  Btw, Rosie does a lot of the work and is in dangerous situations much more frequently than any of the men in this film, which is such a rare treat in a bad movie.

Rosie and Jack made the most believable couple of any bad movie I can think of, and I worried for most of the movie that one of them would die (which was a refreshing change from hoping the sickeningly sweet movie couple will die painfully).  The two of them bicker quite a lot but support each other unwaveringly.  Jack is possibly the only male character in a bad movie who doesn’t need to constantly prove his masculinity by punching a bear or saying really chauvinistic punchlines.  He actually had a few lines that made me lol…INTENTIONALLY.

As for the effects, I didn’t think they were the worst.  I didn’t feel like they were recycling the same footage over and over again as I did at times in Sharknado.  If you’re looking for a gory bad horror, though, this isn’t it.  The most blood I remember seeing was when Rosie got a cut on her forehead.  For all intents and purposes, the Megalodon just seems to want to fuck with people—we never once see him dismember a surfer or crush anyone’s skull.  I’ve got to say, I can relate.

Was Christa also pleasantly surprised or did she want to destroy all humans after this film?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Shark Month: Sharknado

Shark Month continues with a modern classic!  Christa’s pick, so we can finally cross this off the bad movie bucket list.

The Film:

Sharknado

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

Words fail me.

The Uncondensed Version:

Right off the bat there’s a surprisingly strong environmental message…?  The sharknado seems to be an almost direct response to a sea captain bragging about killing 20,000 sharks to sell and boastfully declaring, “Sharks should be afraid of us.”  (And I’m pretty sure most of them are.)  Oh, and global warming.  Also global warming.

Since this is a shark attack movie, we see what befalls the first victims of the sharknado, followed immediately by California beach party scenes.

Our main protagonist, Fin, is a surfer dude who also owns a bar/restaurant.  It seems Bikini, whose actual character name (Nova) I had to Google, actually does most of the bartending while he gets his surf on.  Btw, Nova also has a gigantic leg scar, but she doesn’t like to talk about it.  Dramatic foreshadowing:  she also doesn’t like to talk about sharks.

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SHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARK.

So anyway, Fin is out doing his surfer thing when the sharknado rolls in.  It’s a hurricane made of sharks in case that isn’t clear.  Comprised of the exact same clip showed on a loop at repeated intervals throughout this film.

Fin is a bit of sleaze and apparently is irresistible to all women, including Nova as well as this random surfer lady.  After failing to save the surfer, Fin turns to his friend Tasmania, whose actual character name I can’t be bothered to Google.  He’s from Tasmania.  I never said I give particularly creative nicknames.

When the hurricane/sharknado begins in earnest, Fin closes the bar.  But it’s too late and, exactly like that scene in the diner from The Birds, the sharks begin attacking the building.

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EXACTLY.  LIKE.  THE HITCHCOCK CLASSIC.

Between the hurricane and the sharks, Santa Monica is decimated.  Even the Ferris wheel.  Points lost for not using Savage Garden’s “Santa Monica” anywhere in this movie, which got stuck in my head every time someone said Santa Monica.

Fin, Nova, Tasmania, and Bar Creep who is one of the most loyal regulars all manage to survive.  Their plan?  To find Fin’s ex-wife, Tara Reid, and their daughter to make sure the family is safe.

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What have I done with my life?

But our team will have to contend with flooding, sharks on the streets, sharks in houses, sharks on cars…you can see how the novelty of sharks being in bizarre places where they could never survive in real life wears off pretty quickly.

That will either appeal to you or it won’t.  Suffice it to say the brilliant plan our crew comes up with is dropping a bomb in the sharknado.

Yes.  I just typed that sentence.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I just don’t get why there are 3 of these (soon to be 4).  The characters are all painfully irritating, and it doesn’t matter to me at all when any of them die (or even make a surprise comeback).  We don’t even get a crusty sea captain stereotype and, as far as I’m concerned, there’s no point in even having a shark movie without one.  They try to add some character depth to Fin, struggling to be present in his children’s lives, and Nova, overcoming the trauma of her shark attack, but it all falls so flat.

The majority of those 3 stars are for the name, which is on par with Raiders of the Lost Shark (truly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Worse than Monkey’s Paw in terms of production values).

At this point I know I’m just nitpicking, but it’s unclear to me what exactly the sharknado is and why it happened.  Was the hurricane part of the sharknado?  Did it CAUSE the sharknado?  Should I stop searching for logic in this film???  (But also, how would the sharks survive for that long in a tornado??!?!)

Weirdly, 12 Days of Terror was way better.  Again, I need to be more consistent with my ratings because I gave this the same rating as Sabrina, Down Under, which isn’t fair to Sabrina.

Would Christa drop a bomb on the swirling bloody mess that was this movie or become one with the sharknado?  Find out here!

Book Reviews, books, Uncategorized

Book Review: Queen of the Tearling/Invasion of the Tearling

I’m combining my review for the first 2 books in Erika Johansen’s Queen of the Tearling series mostly because I can’t distinguish what happened in each one anymore (spoilers for both follow).

Queen of the Tearling (434 pages)

Basic plot follows Kelsea Raleigh, who has just turned 19, which obv means she is old enough to be in charge of a country.  She will be Queen of (you guessed it) the Tearling, one of several kingdoms founded after the Crossing.  Btw, the Crossing (don’t worry—you’ll hear about it A LOT) was William Tear’s big plan to form a utopian society after the present world order collapsed.  Not too much of a stretch, I suppose.

Major complications  to the coronation = everyone wants to kill Kelsea.  List of enemies includes:  her uncle, who wants the throne for himself; the Fetch, a thief/anarchist who happens to be incredibly good-looking; and the seemingly immortal Red Queen, ruler of neighboring Mortmesne.

Luckily, Kelsea has an extremely loyal and competent Queen’s Guard, led by Lazarus, aka the Mace.  What is incredibly irritating is that Lazarus is set up as a sort of father figure to Kelsea even though he’s really the only character I want her to hook up with.  Her “real” love interest is the Fetch, who is annoyingly self-righteous and quite possibly a sociopath.

Kelsea is living with her mother’s legacy, which is pretty awful.  After losing a war with Mortmesne, Kelsea’s mother saved the Tearling by regularly sending a shipment of slaves (made up of citizens of the Tearling) to the Red Queen.  Kelsea honorably does away with this policy, breaking all hell loose.

I read the first book really quickly—characters were interesting, plot was fast-paced, Red Queen was suitably terrifying, and there were several mysteries that kept me guessing.  …Which leads me to book 2…

Invasion of the Tearling (514 pages)

the-invasion-of-the-tearling-by-erika-johansen-v2.jpg

Kelsea starts becoming such a badass in book 1, which is part of what makes the second book so frustrating.  Not only does it become increasingly clear she is going to make a horrible bargain with the devil (like I think he honestly is a demon), but she also becomes ridiculously obsessed with the Fetch and decides to hook up with someone she isn’t particularly into because he rejects her.  FOR LIKE THE 30TH TIME.  Someone get this girl a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You.  The Fetch is even more of a dickbag in book 2, and not in an “I know it’s wrong, but I like it anyway” type of situation.

Additionally, the plot alternates between Kelsea’s storyline and the introduction of a previously unmentioned pre-Crossing character, Lily.  It’s hard not to feel bad for Lily, who is constantly victimized by a dystopian, Handmaid’s Tale­-type society where women have almost no rights.  However, it’s also really hard to actually like Lily, who remains completely oblivious to the suffering of those around her for a fucking long time.

This book also reminds you that the, ahem, hero who led everyone over in the Crossing thought it was a good strategy to put EVERY doctor and EVERY piece of medical equipment on one fucking ship…that SANK.  Brilliant plan, dude.

Also there’s the big reveal of a time travel thing that doesn’t make a ton of sense.

The Rating: 3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I did at least finish both books, and I will more than likely pick up the last one because I really want to know what happens (erm, mostly to the Mace).

However, I couldn’t help feeling the specifics of the Crossing hadn’t been hammered out before the series was written, making for a rather disjointed story in book 2 with some frankly desperate plot twists.

Book Reviews, books

Book Review: Bitch Planet, Vol. 1

I’m the worst at keeping up with book reviews, but look at me now.  Writing a review…like a month after I read this one.  Which doesn’t reflect my feelings toward this comic/graphic novel/I can never decide which term to use, Bitch Planet, Vol 1:  Extraordinary Machine by Kelley Sue DeConnick.

The premise is the stuff dreams are made of:  in the near future, non-compliant women are sent to a prison planet informally known as Bitch Planet.  You know you’re going to adore all of these characters, don’t you?  You also know your love is doomed.

In the beginning, we follow Marian, a married woman who insists this is all a mistake and her husband will be doing everything in his power to have her released.  There are some great point/counterpoint panels that support everything Marian says…until there’s a sudden dark turn.  Remember this series is called Bitch Planet, ok?

After our dramatic twist, it turns out Kamau is really our protagonist.  In addition to being a gifted fighter, Kamau has some sort of mysterious dark past b/c of course she does.  Her life on Bitch Planet is about to get even more unpleasant since she is framed for murder by the prison guards.  All of this happens because the Bitch Planet execs want Kamau to form a team that will fight to the death against a team formed by the prison.  It’s apparently a Bitch Planet tradition that makes them a lot of money.

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Only the biggest badass ever.

So we’ve got a rigged futuristic football game to the death, which Kamau is pretty reluctant to participate in.  However, several of the other inmates convince her to form a team, which includes my faves Meiko and Penny.

Penny had a particularly difficult childhood—her mother was considered dangerous, and Penny was raised by her grandmother until age 8.  After her grandmother was arrested, Penny became a ward of the state.  In her adult life, Penny remains fiercely loyal to her family and becomes violent when provoked.  Not a reflection of idealized beauty, Penny nevertheless remains full of strength and self-confidence, never letting others define her.  She’s definitely my hero.

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Fucking hero.

It’s not a great idea to get too attached to any of the characters, though, as even the practice game of prisoners vs. guards ends in tragedy for our team.

You know even more shit is going down in volume 2 (which I’ve already pre-ordered).

Rating:  4/5 Pink Panther Heads

I really enjoyed it, but there were times when I wanted to skip ahead to the fake newspaper at the end of each issue called Hey Kids, Patriarchy!  Not because there’s anything wrong with the main story plot but because the biting satire is at its strongest in these issues.

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I think it’s clear what I mean.  Highly disappointing that you can’t actually buy any of the advertised products.
Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews, Uncategorized

12 Days of Terror, or: Torpedo Is the Only Possible Explanation

Sadly, Shark Week is officially over, but in the true spirit of taking things to an unnecessary extreme that no one really wanted, this blog collab officially recognizes July as Shark Month.  What could possibly be more American than that?

I stand by my decision to start out the month with—I kid you not—a made-for-tv shark attack period drama.  It’s as glorious as it sounds.

The Film:

12 Days of Terror

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

According to the trailer, this movie is based on true events that happened in 1916 off the Jersey Shore, which also sort of inspired Jaws.

The Uncondensed Version:

We follow Alex, a strapping young lifeguard who seems to be metaphorically floating along without much thought for the future.  It’s clear pretty quickly that Alex is still really into Louise, his friend Stan’s fiancée (and, coincidentally, former girlfriend of Alex).  Because wedding shit is apparently super important, Louise and Stan have ulterior motives for visiting Alex—Louise absolutely must make a decision about the color of the flowers on the wedding cake.

Early clues that Alex is sweet but not the brightest:  he picks GREEN flowers because they match Louise’s BROWN eyes.  WTF, dude?  Green flowers are just suspicious, aren’t they?  Esp. on food.

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Why were green flowers even an option to begin with?  I am NOT letting this go.

Anyway, this film gets right to the point because after about 10 minutes of exposition, the moment we’ve been waiting for happens—SHARK ATTACK.  We’re just not sad at all, though, as the victim was this overly confident upper-class twit.  Alex immediately jumps in to save the man, but the shark already took a big enough bite for the first life to be lost.

Commence the frustratingly oblivious officials and politicians who will dominate the inaction of the remaining hour and 15 minutes of the film.

Even though Alex insists the man who died was a victim of a shark attack, there is literally no other logical human in New Jersey, so no one believes him.  It is, ahem, “scientific fact” that killer sharks don’t swim near the shore, and they’re not aggressive towards humans.  Besides, President Wilson is just about to visit the small beach town, which no one wants to jeopardize.  Plus there are many business interests involved that would be hurt if anyone admitted the beach might not be safe.  So nothing happens and, in fact, the prime suspect in all of this is a stray torpedo, it being WWI and whatnot.  DUDE, can you even hear yourself???

It really blows to be Alex at this point because the only person who takes his side is a drunk old sea captain/mentor who gives advice like “If ever your dog got hold of a chicken, you’d have to shoot it.”

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Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…fish…grog…sea beasties…

However, what can he do besides keep calm and lifeguard on?  Alex continues working and biting his tongue.  That is, until one of the other lifeguards falls victim to the shark, yet the official reports keep denying the existence of aforementioned shark.  This move is widely frowned upon, and even Stan says Alex looks like a coward for quitting his job.  Dammit, Stan.  Remember the war’s out there.

Now that Alex doesn’t have a lot to do except feel bad about all of his life decisions, he joins up with the sea captain to basically build a fence that will keep the shark away from the beach.  Yeah, good luck with that one.  The whole construction of the fence is actually quite impressive, though, as there’s absolutely no snorkeling gear involved.

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It was an almost impossible choice for the captain to declare a winner of the wet t-shirt contest.

Things seem to be going okay until the shark makes its way up a creek, where there are children swimming.  The captain yells at the boys to get out of the water, and do they fucking listen?  I’ll give you a hint:  they’re boys.  Stupid, stupid boys.

In an effort to save the boys, Stan jumps in to the water, which you can imagine isn’t going to end well.  After things take a turn for the bloody, Alex is out for revenge.  …Against the shark.  Clearly.  Because that’s a language sharks understand.

Either way, the last few scenes of the film are actually quite tense and emotional.  I think you’ll end up feeling sorry for the people as well as the shark unless your heart is made of stone.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

It’s really difficult to go wrong with a shark film, even (especially?) a made-for-tv period piece based on true events.  I unabashedly enjoyed this one even though it’s really annoying to (1) watch so many fuckheads go into the water even with repeated warnings NOT to and (2) see all of the so-called experts claim there’s no possible way the attacks could’ve been the work of shark despite an increasing amount of evidence supporting exactly that point.

Alex was so sincere (and, ahem, didn’t look at all bad whilst emerging from the ocean) that I couldn’t help wanting him to succeed.  But being the only sane person amidst cripplingly incompetent assholes can boost your likeability factor immensely.

Did Christa jump on board with this or does she prefer to deny its existence?  Find out here!

Full disclosure:  I had to stop halfway through this and watch Jersey Shore Gone Wilde clips because of the number of times characters said “Jersey Shore.”  Zero regrets.