We interrupt our regularly scheduled Christmas programming for what is the greatest Christmas gift of all on the blog: a terrible Netflix original movie about cops, orcs, prophecies, and
CGI creatures completely real mythical beings.
Two members of the LAPD–one orc, one Will Smith–team up to prevent the prophesied return of the generic medieval fantasy-type dark wizard.
Like any fantasy worth its weight in …unicorn dust(?), this one begins with a vague prophecy that attempts to be intriguing but is really just minorly irritating. I can’t even remember what it is at this point. Magic, magic, Dark Lord, orcs, you’re a wizard Harry. Something along those lines. Surely these words won’t affect our unsuspecting protagonists in modern day Los Angeles.
Note that modern day Los Angeles is a place where humans coexist with all manner of fantasy creatures: orcs, elves, centaurs, fairies, dragons, and the like. As one would expect, there’s an established hierarchy, with orcs as essentially the lowest of the low. Elves, on the other hand, are akin to the 1% and even have their own district with way nicer cars and cleaner streets. Humans seem to fall somewhere in the middle of all this.
This includes Will Smith, an officer with the LAPD. After dramatically being shot by an orc, Will (aka Daryl Ward) is returning for his first day of work in months. His partner Nick Jakoby is the only orc on the force, and as such is under constant suspicion by the other cops. The situation for Nick hasn’t improved since an orc shot his partner and then escaped.
Though Ward tries to keep things professional, he obviously holds a grudge towards Nick, constantly shutting down his partner and trying to undermine him. Not cool. When Internal Affairs gets involved with the investigation of Ward’s shooting, he’s ready to be rid of his partner but would rather do so without any shady schemes. The Internal Affairs reps persuade him to record his conversations with Nick and draw a career ending confession from him.
Meanwhile, Ward and Nick respond to a disturbance downtown in which a crazy guy with a sword is saying shit about the prophecy and making threats. After they take him into custody, he tells Nick the Dark Lord is returning to claim orc hearts. This guy is later interrogated by an elf and humans that are part of the FBI for magic.
It may also interest you or at least be relevant for you to know that 3 wands are needed to resurrect the Dark Lord. The catch is that only a bright can wield a wand without dying painfully. Most brights are elves, but it is possible for a human to be a bright. Any human, you say? Even a cynical policeman whose life thus far has shown no indication of any magical tendencies?
Our story doesn’t go along too much further before Ward and Nick encounter a bright with a wand, an elf named Tikka. Since the wand comes with so much power and is so valuable, the cops decide to kill Nick and take the wand for themselves. They pressure Ward to go along with this plan, but of course he ends up being just too honorable.
Just when Ward and Nick escape the corrupt cops, they encounter members of a gang who make their intentions clear with incredibly painful street talk. Ah-eh-eh-em: “Word on the street, there’s a wand in this ‘hood” and “The wand belongs to the barrio” are 2 shining examples.
Basically, the point here is that everyone wants the wand. Ward, Nick, and Tikka must dodge all of their rivals and prevent their worst enemy from rising in the form of the Dark Lord.
This, of course, leads to a showdown between our 3 heroes and the evil group of elves who want to bring the Dark Lord back to wreak havoc, destruction, etc on the world. Who will emerge triumphant?
2/5 Pink Panther Heads
Though it promises a genre-bending thrill ride, this one is sadly forgettable. Most of the plot feels like a carbon copy of all other police dramas, and it’s too reluctant to fully embrace its weirdness. The fantasy elements seem tacked on unnecessarily rather than fresh or fun. That’s one of the biggest disappointments of this film–for such an off-the-wall premise, there’s a distinct lack of fun here.
The social commentary about racism tries really hard, but it doesn’t feel particularly noteworthy, nor half as clever as it thinks it is. In fact, some of the especially cringeworthy gang stereotypes undermine that message. I want to give this film props for trying, but it gets a lot wrong and handles things too clumsily for it to succeed.
Additionally, the characters and character relationships fall flat. I think(?) Ward is supposed to be the grizzled old timer and Nick the wide-eyed rookie cop, but both feel bland and tired. I guess they’re so boring they deserve each other, but at the same time I didn’t get a sense of a genuine connection between the two. There’s never a time when the relationship between Ward and Nick shifts, even after facing countless near death experiences together. Beyond that, the minor characters are pretty uninteresting too, and Ward’s wife and daughter are basically props.
There’s nothing to mark this as a blight to film making; on the other hand, there’s nothing much to remember about this one at all.
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