The Pink Panther Snipes Again

Bad Movie Reviews with a Touch of Snark


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Little Boxes, or: I Lived Ironically in the Suburbs Before It Was Cool

May has been rechristened Melanie Lynskey Month.  After unintentionally watching I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore (IDFAHITWA) during the same weekend, my blog partner-in-crime and I are obsessed.  I dare you not to feel deep love and admiration after witnessing the beauty of Ms. Lynskey having an existential meltdown in front of children, aggressively destroying lawn art, and dreaming of a world where people stop acting like assholes.

Our first feature this month is Christa’s pick in which no wicker lawn animals were harmed.

The Film:

Little Boxes

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Uncondensed Version:

Our girl Melanie plays the role of Gina, hipster Brooklyn photographer who moves to the suburbs of Washington state with her hipster Brooklyn husband and son.  Though she has just accepted a tenure-track position in a college art department and the family is looking forward to more stability, they are nevertheless sad to leave behind their friends and the cool artsy vibe.

To their amazement, the same amount of money that carved out a small Brooklyn apartment gives the family a much bigger 2-story house in the suburbs.  However, they are in for some culture shocks as suburban living means navigating some oddly specific rules like children always calling adults Mr. or Mrs. (which really isn’t that odd to me, and if I ran into any of my primary school teachers, I would cringe if they insisted I call them by their first name).

All 3 members of the family have their own obstacles to tackle.  Gina’s husband Mack is a writer who is procrastinating on his latest book by writing food magazine articles.  He finds himself becoming a something of a local celebrity for being a published author with an agent and, more sinisterly, being commodified as quite possibly the only black person in town.

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Fellow stress baker in action.

Gina is adjusting to typical academic BS, finding the tenured faculty monopolizing her time both on- and off-campus.  Janeane Garofalo is weirdly one of the tenured ladies, and encourages Gina to go out drinking with her tenure committee, then shames her when she gets drunk.  Sounds about right for tenured faculty.

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It’s not a dick pic, promise.

Meanwhile, their son Clark is dealing with sudden attention from 2 girls in town who want to talk about rap and show off their dance moves for him.  One of the girls, Ambrosia, takes an interest in Clark in a really uncomfortable way that fetishizes him.  Shit hits the fan when Ambrosia’s mother catches them in a compromising position, causing Clark to lash out and make a decision he regrets.

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Spoiler:  it does not involve mixing a horizontally striped shirt with vertical stripes.

Dripping with symbolism, all of the family’s personal belongings have been delayed, and Mack has discovered mold in the house that desperately needs to be removed.

With the family in chaos, perhaps the decision to move to the suburbs was a big mistake after all.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I’m super tired, which is one of several reasons I failed to empathize with most of the characters in this film except for Clark’s cousin, who comes to visit near the end.  He’s the main source of comic relief, offering sage advice beyond his years to the entire family.  However, it’s too little too late, and it doesn’t help that I didn’t particularly care about the family.  We were never off to a good start as it really rubbed me the wrong way when all the members of the family were marveling about how beautiful and spacious their new house was…possibly because I’m eternally bitter about my lack of financial freedom.  IDK, Mack and Gina felt way too bland to be these cool trendy artists.

It would have been cool to see more of the “before” picture of the family’s life in Brooklyn rather than hear Gina wax poetic about what a beautiful haven for amazingly talented artists and intellectuals it is.  FFS, we get it—hipsters fucking love Brooklyn.

Most of the secondary characters didn’t come off much better.  I really hated Ambrosia, and it took Clark a damn long time to realize she may not be an overly nice person.  Christine Taylor and Janeane Garofalo were so underutilized and had maybe 5 minutes tops on screen.

I think my problem here was that I wanted this to be either funnier or more dramatic.  It failed to make me laugh or produce any genuine feeling in me…except, you know, ironically.  Like a Brooklyn hipster.

Did Christa like this one before it was cool?  Find out here!


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Deidra and Laney Rob a Train, or: Trainspotting 3

Rounding out the latest month of Blog Free or Die Hard is another Netflix original, selected entirely on its own merit.  And not at all because it was so easy to find and stream on both sides of the pond.

The Film:

Deidra and Laney Rob a Train

Where to Watch:

Netflix

The Uncondensed Version:

Deidra and Laney are teen sisters who act like parents to their younger brother Jet, pick their mom up from work, and try to find ways to keep the family afloat financially.  The 2 sisters are managing to keep scraping by until they find their mom having a very public meltdown at work with screaming, the police dept, and destruction of expensive Good Buy property involved.  Through bad luck and shady insurance practices, her impulsive mistake is considered an act of domestic terrorism (WTF) and bail is set much higher than the family can afford to pay.

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All seem like appropriate “Mom is in prison” faces.

After years of hard work and stress, their mother Marigold is quite relieved to relax in prison.  Adulting is hard, man, and Deidra seems to be a more natural head of the household.  This feeling, of course, is not shared by the rest of the family, who can’t find the money to pay the bills, let alone bail or Deidra’s imminent college expenses.   It looks like college may no longer be an option as Deidra misses class and college deadlines to manage things at home and come up with ways to earn quick cash.

Meanwhile, Laney is having a miserable time at school as she has been selected to compete in a beauty pageant (that appears to replace actual class…?) against her best friend.  Her friend Claire, feeling threatened by Laney’s participation, sets out to make her life miserable.

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I would watch the hell out of pageants if there were a competitive tea-drinking round.

After much time spent stressing, Deidra gets an idea from the rather shady men in (and absent from) her life.  Her father, Chet, who prides himself on knowing when the family doesn’t need him, is a train mechanic.  He obliviously explains how modern-day train robberies happen, not realizing he is providing a catalyst for Deidra’s plan.  When Deidra’s ex mentions his side hustle selling just about anything he can get his hands on, the pieces fall into place and a crime spree is about to begin.

Both Deidra and Laney are in on the plan, and the two sisters become closer than ever.  However, tensions are high as Deidra’s dream of college seems to be slipping away, Laney pins her hopes on the pageant yet feels very alone, Child Protective Services suspects Deidra isn’t cut out to be the head of the household, and the fuzz is catching on to the robberies.

To everyone’s surprise, their father steps in to cover with CPS and do what he does best—plan petty crimes and destroy evidence.  This may be too little too late, as a persistent railroad security employee, Truman, is determined to crack the case.  Shit hits the fan when Truman puts 2 and 2 together on the night of the pageant, and Chet decides to take off.

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Also a convenient way to destroy evidence of all of those animals I tortured…

How can this possibly end well for our titular train-robbing teens?  You know the drill.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Largely because Deidra and Laney are so cute and incredibly real.  I could especially relate to Laney re: awkward/insecure teen years…and, you know, the whole beauty pageant scene (lol).

The acting is convincing even if the characters aren’t always–Deidra’s guidance counselor being presented as sympathetic while pushing her own agenda over Deidra’s best interests really grated on me, as well as Chet playing the role of dirtbag with a heart of gold father.

This film has a lot of heart, but some of its sweet moments are emotionally manipulative AF.  It suffers from an uneven tone, simultaneously attempting to tackle serious issues while offering soothing reassurances to the viewer that it will all be okay.  The film frequently undermines its own ideas, and wraps things up much too neatly for my tastes (even though I was rooting for our leading ladies the whole time).

 

 

There is quite a lot of consideration of fate vs. free will throughout, which remains persistently upbeat.  This is one of my major beefs with the film, as it ultimately seems to reinforce the narrative that hard work and individualism pay off.  Though Deidra and Laney resort to robbing trains, it’s emphasized that their resourcefulness, determination, and clever planning earns them opportunity.  Am I bumming you out?  I sense that I’m bumming you out.

Would Christa ride the rails or take a bus instead?  Find out here!


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Win It All…Or Not

Another week, another pick to give us a chance to Blog Free or Die Hard.  But mostly the former.

The Film:

Win It All

Where to Watch:

Netflix

The Uncondensed Version:

Eddie is a laid-back guy who means well yet invariably chooses the worst possible option when it comes down to decision time.  This is in large part due to his gambling addiction, which drives his willingness to settle in other areas of his life as long as he can scrape together enough money to make his rounds at poker.  Although he could work for the family landscaping company, Eddie chooses instead to make some easy money as a parking attendant.

You know from the setup a change is going to come, and it takes the form of a duffel bag full of cash.  All Eddie has to do is babysit the bag while its owner serves a short prison sentence…but I think you know where this is going.  Despite stern advice from Keegan-Michael Key–in a serious-ish role as a friend from Gamblers Anonymous–Eddie decides to borrow just $500 in order to scratch his gambling itch.  It’s not long before $500 turns into $20,000 in debt.

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At this lowest of low points, Eddie finally decides to get his shit together and turn it around for real.  He agrees to work with his brother at the family business, and enjoys having a steady job and getting invested in the company’s success.

Meanwhile, his personal life is taking a turn for the better when he meets Eva, a nurse/single mother.  She meets with approval from Eddie’s family, but he has to earn some serious trust before he can meet Eva’s family.

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Everything seems to be going well until Eddie gets a call from the owner of the duffel bag, who will be released from prison early.  Shit hits the fan for Eddie as the only options springing to mind for making money including borrowing from his brother, becoming a coke dealer, or–you guessed it–gambling.

 

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Eh.  This is sort of bland, and while there’s nothing especially objectionable about Eddie, it was difficult for me to root for him.  Spoiler–this gets a fairly happy ending that doesn’t seem earned.  This was never going to be a gritty drama, but the tone is a bit too upbeat to talk about gambling addiction seriously, and I’m not sure Eddie really lost enough to change his ways for good.  I also felt Keegan-Michael Key was underutilized, but I would say that about a film in which he plays every goddamn character (which I would watch the fuck out of).

Oddly, this is the 2nd film I can tag “gambling problems are hilarious”–the other one being the horrendously awful Alex & Emma.  To be clear, this one is much better and shouldn’t be affiliated with that other film in any way.  Apologies to all involved in the making of this movie.

Would Christa (sorry/not sorry)…bet on this one?  Find out here!


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Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, or: Feminist(?) Rage

Catching up on classics is my favorite thing to do during Blog Free or Die Hard month, and this one has been leaving an approximately 50 foot hole in my heart.

The Film:

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

Where to Watch:

Hoopla

The Uncondensed Version:

It’s not a good time to be in 1950s California—for more reasons than one.  The primary reason being a comet rapidly speeding towards the area, which turns out be a…glowing alien orb?  With a giant alien ghost who has a fondness for diamonds.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  To understand the complex drama unfolding in this film, let’s back up just a little bit.

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A practical and aesthetically pleasing UFO.

Nancy Archer is the first person in town to stumble across the crashed UFO, having just stormed angrily out of the bar where her husband, Harry, was sleazily flirting with his mistress.  Harry would leave his wife except that would mean sacrificing her inheritance and the cushy life he’s grown accustomed to.  As Nancy has a vague history of mental illness, including a sanatorium stay following violent headaches and…falling down(?), it wouldn’t take much for Harry to get her committed for good.

Conveniently, Nancy runs to the police to report her alien sighting, where she is pretty much dismissed as a raving drunk.  And cautioned against wearing diamonds because they might tempt thieves.  Fucking hell.  Is it any wonder she’s going to get super angry (spoiler)?

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RAGE.

Nancy and Harry obviously have a really unhealthy relationship—if unclear before her return home, it is written out when Harry confronts her.  Harry threatens to leave her, which is what supposedly drove her crazy before.  In a really condescending scene, he tucks her in for bed and goes out drinking again.

However, Nancy’s rest is short-lived as the local news is giving a lot of attention to her alien sighting and making pretty fucking rude jokes about finally finding a man to love her.  Fuck off, men.  Determined to prove her sanity, she goes out to the desert and encounters the alien once again.  Her encounter with the alien leaves her in a coma due to radiation…(?) for some reason.  It also turns her into (spoiler spoiler spoiler) a 50 foot woman.

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Everything else was in the wash…

Mandatory scientist with a pipe and incomprehensible German try to figure out what’s going on, reaching the conclusion that women who mature become irrational like middle-aged men.  JFC, dudes.  To cure her, they will need Harry’s permission to operate.  Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

In spite of Harry’s best efforts, Nancy does finally wake up and all hell breaks loose.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

This is one of the early examples in horror where you are just waiting for a specific character to die…but honestly the payoff doesn’t feel worth it.  No one is supposed to come off squeaky clean in this one (at least none of our 3 leads), though my biggest problem with Nancy is that she didn’t crush more skulls.  I really wanted her rampage to be more satisfying and I would have been okay with more or potentially all men dying.  In painful ways, which makes me feel conflicted about the person I’ve become.

Frankly, for a movie entitled Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, the aforementioned 50 foot woman really has very little screen time, and her attack is quite mild.  Does not live up to the poster.  Next time I’d like her to destroy the foundations of our society or at least raze an entire town.

Did Christa embrace the rage here or…let’s be real, there is no other option.  Read her thoughts on this one here!


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Blow Out, or: Another Reason to Celebrate the Death of the Pay Phone

April brings us another round of Blog Free or Die Hard, one of my favorite themes next to Ewan McGregor/Hellraiser month…and every other theme of the blog collab.  This week we opt for a throwback featuring John Travolta, dramatic ’80s scores, and sketchy, sketchy payphones.

The Film:

Blow Out

Where to Watch:

Netflix UK apparently

The Uncondensed Version:

John Travolta has been the sound editor for low-budget horror for the past couple of years.  It’s a living.  The latest picture is presenting a challenge, as he can’t seem to get some of the sounds right, in particular the screams of the slasher victims in the film.  To gather sounds for the film, he decides to somewhat sketchily hang around parks at night and record general nature sounds.  What could possibly go wrong?  You might ask.  Naturally, JT (conveniently, for both John Travolta and his character, Jack Terri) sees something he’s not supposed to see…or rather hears something he shouldn’t.

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Owl be seeing you?  (Not sorry.)

Just before a car dives headlong into the river, passengers inside, JT hears a gunshot and realizes this crash isn’t an accident.  His deep sense of moral conviction doesn’t permit him to remain a bystander, so he jumps in shortly thereafter to help the surviving passenger, a young woman (of course).

While at the hospital, JT learns the victim of the car crash was none other than the fictional Governor McRyan, top contender for the presidential nomination in the upcoming election.  JT is encouraged to keep quiet about the presence of the young woman as this news would only upset McRyan’s family further.  He reluctantly agrees to do what seems like the honorable thing…but is it?

The young woman, Sally, is very confused and agitated in the hospital and eager to leave.  JT brings her to a motel so she can rest, but also so he can obsessively play his recording of the crash to figure out what happened with the accident and why.  Meanwhile, we learn someone really is destroying and covering up evidence surrounding the crash.  Spoiler alert:  It’s John Lithgow.  As we learn soon after, John Lithgow escalates things super fucking quickly.

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Damn it, John.

JT tries to get more information out of Sally about her relationship with McRyan, but she doesn’t take well to this line of questioning.  At this point JT does get really fucking irritating and insists they get a drink since he did save her life and all.  FFS, save a woman from drowning because it’s the right thing to do—not because you expect her to get a goddamn drink with you.

Annoyingly, they do get a drink, but mostly so we can learn about JT’s tragic backstory investigating police corruption.  I sometimes worry about the lack of empathy I have for characters in realistic scenarios, but his story came off as a bit melodramatic and led to some pretty cringey Travolta overacting.

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Nice rabbit foot…

As it turns out, Sally has a dark past of her own, and was part of a conspiracy to ruin McRyan’s political career.  This is apparently all too much for the honorable JT, who you know…probably never saw anything worse in his days of investigating police corruption.

But to return to John Lithgow.  Remember how he was going to take shit too far suddenly?  As part of the conspiracy to eliminate McRyan from the competition, John Lithgow decided to just straight-up eliminate him by shooting out his car tire.  But the plan included Sally’s death and, since she’s one of the few people who can tie all of this back to the conspirators, she needs to die.  John Lithgow actually becomes a serial killer with a fucking garrote watch and all, targeting sex workers who look like Sally so her death won’t seem too out of the ordinary.  TWIS.  TED.

What will happen when John Lithgow poses as a journalist trying to get all of the evidence connecting him to the crime?  If you’re squaring off with someone who has a garrote watch, it’s probably not going to end well.

The Review:

4/5 Pink Panther Heads

The plot is solid, and John Lithgow is obv a delight.  To the extent sociopathic serial killers with goddamn murder watches can be considered a delight.  In true film noir style, the entire movie is incredibly dark, and the ending doesn’t shy away from that.  This is an indictment on politics, Hollywood, the media…virtually every angle of American life.  Since some of the elements of this film are right out of the ’80s thriller playbook, I expected a cop-out ending, but ended up really impressed.

On the other hand, there’s just something that vaguely irritates me about John Travolta no matter what…?  I think I watched Grease too much growing up, and he was one of the first men to disappoint me with his stupid expectations for women.

I also had such a problem with the roles for women in this film, who are all props without exception.  I really wanted to like Sally, but she just felt like a pawn with no real dimension, and she was soooooooooooooooooooooooo naïve for a woman who agreed to a sleazy plot to set up a politician, And as a minor point of irritation–her voice was really grating.  She brought up shades of Lina Lamont from Singin’ in the Rain to me.  Is it me or is Lina Lamont still more of a feminist icon than Sally in this movie?

Would Christa dive off a bridge for this one or let it sleep with the fishes?  Find out here!


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Resurrección, or: No Mo’ Poe

This week takes us back in time again to another, er, true event(?).  True in the sense it was a real historical event…except with demons.

The Film:

Resurrección

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Uncondensed Version:

It’s 1871 Argentina, and the Catholic Church is strong but so is the outbreak of yellow fever, the worst in the history of Buenos Aires.  After having visions of the plague, a young priest decides it’s God’s will that he head to BA and help the sick.  But not before stabbing himself in the hands with a cross, which is pretty gross honestly.  But not as gross as it’s going to get with all of the vomiting that happens in this film.

Before going into the city, the priest makes a pit stop at the family estate, where his brother and family live (I don’t remember him ever having a name, but I also have a notoriously bad memory for character names).

What is meant to be a fond family reunion quickly devolves (don’t they always) when the priest learns his brother Edgardo is gravely ill with yellow fever, and his wife is holed up in the chapel with their daughter, Remedios.  She will neither let anyone enter or leave, though Remedios expresses her desire to leave.

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U ok, bro?

When a man who is essentially a faith healer shows up, the priest insists he leave and stop taking advantage of desperate people.  The healer answers that he has the power to cure the priest’s faith problem, blah di blah, but leaves.  Maybe the family should have taken the healer up on his offer, as Edgardo is in pretty bad shape—sweating, talking nonsense, and vomiting up black blood.  Btw, I looked it up, and the black blood really was a symptom during this outbreak, and people even referred to the fever as the black vomit.  Suffice it to say it looks really fucking unpleasant.

Just before dying, Edgardo gives his brother a journal that will explain everything because of course he does.  Oh, and also takes one last stab at the conviction of his brother’s faith.

The only conclusion the priest can make is some weird shit is going on, since obviously the journal goes missing before he can read it.  He senses there is something sinister that his brother feared more than his illness and death and is determined to get to the bottom of it, but first on his to-do list is helping Remedios escape the chapel.

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Despite what Pinterest suggests, you CAN have too many candles.

All of this is thrown off track, however, when the priest comes down with yellow fever too.  This means a series of trippy, surreal dream sequences that look cool but are confusing AF.

After waking up from his nightmarish sleep, the priest learns a shocking truth from Quispe, who has served the family for years:  the priest’s sister-in-law, Lucia, killed Remedios and herself overnight.  The priest refuses to believe this and is determined to find out what really happened.

It goes a bit off the rails from here on out, with Quispe going off on a tangent about how much of a dick his dad was, and then the priest’s dad was also a dick but at least he watched him die (!?!?!).  Quispe doesn’t pull any punches, telling the priest if he vomits black blood, he’ll be dead within a day.  Great?

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“Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother!”

As he becomes more seriously ill, the priest finds Lucia and Remedios alive, though Quispe insists this is a delusion.  The priest finally breaks down and calls for the faith healer, abandoning his Catholic faith and putting his trust in…I don’t know, something that looks like a tiny carved bone?  You do you.

This of course isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and the priest immediately regrets his decision when the Catholic guilt returns with a vengeance.  The ending is straight out of Poe, except without the suspense, emotional punch, and the feeling of everything all clicking into place.  Just leave Poe alone, sir.

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

I really wanted to go with 3, but there’s too little going on here to merit that extra PPH.  Guess how much fun it is to watch a feverish Argentine priest stumble around for an hour and a half with complete conviction that what he’s doing is important and makes sense.

There is virtually no suspense as it’s impossible to care about the characters and their motives.  I still don’t understand why the priest cared so much about Remedios.  Ok, she was his niece, but you’re going to have to do better than that to tell a good story.  This goes against everything I’ve ever said about movies, but you know what this could have used more of?  Some goddamn flashbacks to establish the fucking character relationships.  Without that anchor, this film is emotionally empty.

Based on the trailer, this looked like a shitty version of Guillermo del Toro…which is pretty accurate, honestly.  The del Toro tribute just feels like a rip-off, though, from the Gothic vibe to the haunting narration at the end (which is almost a paraphrase of the conclusion of Devil’s Backbone, but just falls flat here).

Every time someone tells me they’ve never seen Devil’s Backbone, I lose 6 months of my life, so do us both a favor and watch that instead.

Did Christa put her faith in this one or remain a critical skeptic?  Find out here!


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Backtrack, or: I Do Nazi the Point of This Movie

So maybe you’ve thought off-hand that you must have done something terrible in a past life to deserve a series of lamentable circumstances in the present.  Like…the global political climate, for example.  Perhaps as you’ve considered this possibility, you’ve used a series of clichéd expressions and non-sequiturs to frame what is already something of a cliché.  That’s this film in a nutshell…with Nazis.  And, coincidentally, we must have all offended the forces of the universe to deserve this movie.

The Film:

Backtrack:  Nazi Regression

Where to Watch:

Amazon Prime (US)

The Premise:

What’s more fun than a walking holiday with your partner and two of your closest friends?  Exploring a possible Nazi past life through hypnotism while your girlfriend hooks up with your friend’s boyfriend and a deranged kidnapper stalks you.

The Uncondensed Version:

Claudia has an incredibly vague and convenient talent for looking into the past and future.  While on a walking holiday with her friends seems to be the perfect opportunity to test out her abilities.  Specifically, to explore the secret Nazi life of friend Ralph.  Learning about his past life is…important?  For some reason?  As it turns out, Ralph had a Nazi family in his past life, and something bad seems to have happened to them.

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A fun hobby to try explaining during interviews.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Lucas (who looks 12), the respective partners of Ralph and Claudia are fine with this turn of events as they’re off having sex constantly and/or complaining about all the walking…ON A WALKING HOLIDAY.  Too tired to deal with this shit, Andrea and Lucas go off to find the local pub.  Once there, they are greeted by an incredibly creepy bartender.  I kind of expected him to get along well with Lucas because they are both so fucking sleazy.

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Is he reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally old enough to be in a bar, though?  Is he REALLY?

Later, as Andrea and Lucas have yet another weirdly shot sex scene, a mysterious figure who we’ve heard talking to himself throughout the entire movie approaches their tent.  He hits Lucas and ties up both parties.  Whoa.  Is that where this film is heading, i.e. torture porn territory?  Apparently so.  There are some absolutely disgusting scenes that feel endless where this guy burns his victims with a lot of camera close-ups.  I hope you realize I don’t say that lightly given the massive number of B horror movies featured in this blog collab.

After being asked once, Andrea immediately reveals where the other two have gone.  Look, I’m not saying I’d do any better if a creepy kidnapper started asking me questions, but come on.

Btw, did I mention all of this is happening in broad daylight?  And he moves his victims in the back of a tractor wagon?  Super inconspicuous.

Conveniently, when Claudia and Ralph return to the campsite, Claudia senses that Andrea and Lucas were abducted after the odd camera angles of their sex scene.  The answer to all of their questions is supposedly to do another Nazi past life regression.  This is interrupted by the most unintentionally hilarious attempted abduction scene in film, in which the creepy shadowy dude tries to basically tow their tent with his tractor.  Unsurprisingly, they can get out of that one pretty easily.

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IDK if I should really be laughing so hard about kidnapping.

However, when he does catch up with Claudia and Ralph, he is intent on exacting revenge for some unknown offense.  You’ll have to watch to see what happens, why, and if you even fucking care by the time any of this happens.  But honestly, if you ask nicely, I’ll probably just tell you how it ends.

Top 5 Lines of Dialogue:

5. “It’s better to know than not know.”

4. Andrea: A man hit you, tied us up, and brought us here.

Lucas (outraged): WHY?!

3. Julian Glover (dramatically, to a grave): You shall be avenged!

2. “If you untie us now and let us go, we’ll be on our way and the whole thing won’t be mentioned.”

1. “I’ve lived before…even if I was a Nazi.”

The Rating:

1/5 Angry PPHs

So bad, guys.  So, so bad.

I tried to think of small things about this film that could be changed to improve it, and I drew a blank.  On the bright side, the scenery is pretty?   Fucking hell, though, those burn scenes are vile.  And though as viewers we are obviously supposed to hate the cheaters and like the other two characters, they are all sooooooooooooooooooo bland.  Sub-par, even for a Nazi B movie.

Would Christa go along with this one or roll on out of the tent ASAP?  Find out here!