The Cleaning Lady, or: I Want to Kill You and Wear Your Skin Like a Dress

Another (Halloween) week, another horror film! This one brought to you by ridiculous standards for beauty and overly involved toxic friendships.

The Film:

The Cleaning Lady

The Premise:

A cleaning lady becomes obsessed with her employer, going way overboard with the additional free services no one asked for.

The Ramble:

Scrubbing floors, clearing bathtub drains, blending live rats into a puree…it’s all in a day’s work when you’re a cleaning lady. It’s clear from the get-go that Shelly is a deeply disturbed woman; as they say, watch out for the quiet ones.

Meanwhile, love addict Alice is troubled by her relationship with boyfriend Michael, who is married with a child of his own. Though Michael promises Alice a lovely vacation in Italy, he fails to come through on his promises, and sponsor Miranda encourages Alice to get serious about ending things (again).

After hiring maintenance worker Shelly under the table to do some cleaning around her apartment, Alice sees an opportunity for a beautiful new friendship to develop. During the day, Alice’s at-home spa and makeover business keeps her busy; in the evening, Alice begins to depend on Shelly to prevent her from contacting Michael.

Shelly is an extremely quiet woman who keeps to herself. Self-conscious about terrible burns on her face, she usually avoids all relationships. Perhaps it’s no surprise when the attention-starved Shelly immediately latches onto Alice with a certain degree of intensity.

As it turns out, Shelly has a rather disturbing backstory that explains her twisted behavior. Her mother’s money making techniques were incredibly warped during young Shelly’s childhood–though Shelly certainly finds a way to exact her revenge.

Very quickly, Shelly becomes the friend always pushing Alice to be a better version of herself; in fact, Shelly believes Alice is mere steps away from perfection. Shelly pressures Alice to give up smoking and stay firm in her commitment not to get back together with Michael.

Meanwhile, Alice gives Shelly a makeover, even donating a brightly colored dress to wear. This is a big mistake, as Shelly realizes her potential to become more like Alice–including making a mold of her face after she falls into chloroform-induced sleep, thus giving new meaning to a girls’ night in with face masks.

When Alice inevitably reunites with Michael, a distraught Shelly snaps. Witnessing the night out is Michael’s wife Helen, who follows her husband’s car to a creepily remote location. Will Helen arrive in time to help her husband’s mistress–and will she even want to help once she discovers Alice’s identity?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Shelly is truly a chilling character whose reactions, though extreme, feel plausible. She embodies the Hollywood (and societal) obsession with perfection, especially in her quest to change and control Alice. In contrast to the external beauty that fascinates Shelly, some of the things she does are absolutely vile and bloodily grotesque. I do applaud the film’s ability to be genuinely disturbing without relying solely on gore to shock viewers (though there’s also plenty of that to go around).

Meanwhile, Alice is perhaps undeserving of the ordeals she experiences at Shelly’s hands, but she is certainly not a flawless character. Let’s not forget that the relationship between the two main characters is possible only because of Alice’s willingness to take advantage of Shelly’s situation. Alice wants a cleaning lady without having to do the work of finding or paying one on the books. In fact, the situation is risky for Shelly as she openly admits her supervisor wants her to perform maintenance–not do cleaning work. However, Alice treats Shelly a bit like her charity project to make herself feel like a good person.

Overall, the film has some interesting messages about privilege, unreasonable beauty standards, and the monsters created in our quest for perfection. However, I’m still puzzling over what just happened in this film, and would’ve liked the creepiness to unfold more slowly, like a…death’s-head moth emerging from a cocoon?

Would my (almost) perfect blog wife make a face mask of this one or blend it into a fine purée? Read her review here to find out!

Ingrid Goes West, or: Wham Bam Instagram

Fuck-ups, freaks, weirdos–they’re all welcome here on the Blog Collab this month. And during any month, TBH. This week’s pick is about a rather eccentric character, played by an actor who I like to believe is just as odd in real life.

The Film:

Ingrid Goes West

The Premise:

A grieving woman becomes obsessed with an Instagram celebrity, using her posts to find and befriend her IRL.

The Ramble:

Ingrid is a young woman who is a liiiiiiittle intense about her social media habit. After discovering through Instagram that her friend got married without sending an invite her way, Ingrid crashes the party with a special gift for the bride: a can of mace.

As it turns out, Ingrid’s mother has recently died, driving her erratic behavior. She is institutionalized and ultimately released to the empty house she shared with her mom.

Turning to social media for human connection, Ingrid finds Instagram influencer Taylor Sloane and immediately becomes obsessed, following her life religiously as Taylor’s feed replaces all of Ingrid’s relationships.

After Ingrid comes into money following her mother’s death, there seems to be only one course of action: use the cash to head west to LA and track down her idol Taylor. This is rather easy, honestly, considering the number of posts Taylor shares per day with her current activities and exact location.

When she strikes out upon their first meeting, Ingrid develops a backup plan to fall into Taylor’s good graces: steal her dog and then miraculously “find” him. The scheme works like a charm, and Ingrid becomes instant friends with Taylor and her husband. Ingrid manages to get more time with Taylor by offering to help her tow a trailer with her pick-up truck. The only obstacle? Ingrid doesn’t have a pick-up truck.

Luckily, Ingrid’s Batman-obsessed landlord Dan finds her charming and takes minimal convincing to let her borrow his truck. The only condition is for Ingrid to return the truck in time for a table reading for Dan’s script–during which she will fill in for Catwoman.

Of course, Ingrid’s only priority is spending time with Taylor. Complications abound when the car breaks down and Taylor wants to stay out late partying. Following a night fueled by coke and liquor, Ingrid scratches up the truck. Since Dan hasn’t heard from her all night, he calls the police–out of concern for her rather than his truck. Dan seems to genuinely care about Ingrid. Poor, poor man.

As Ingrid is folded into Taylor’s circle, she meets her new bestie’s troubled brother, Nick. During a relaxing weekend away, Nick steals Ingrid’s phone and learns the extent of her obsession. When he attempts to blackmail Ingrid, she comes up with an ill-fated scheme of her own that Taylor learns about. After the truth emerges, Taylor wants nothing to do with Ingrid.

There seems to be no hope of getting back in Taylor’s good graces…but surely it’s worth trying anyway?

The Rating:

4/5 Pink Panther Heads

Aubrey Plaza, who seems to be quite quirky herself, is perfectly cast as unhinged Ingrid. She manages to be quite entertaining to watch even as she does disturbing and problematic things. Her attempt at being a sexy Catwoman for Dan especially stands out.

The film’s humor is sharp and incredibly dark, but I find this to be a very tragic film. As expected in a film about social media, there are some very troubling implications for our own lives here; however, it goes beyond the doom and gloom “social media will kill us all” trap that other social commentary pieces can fall into. The film is very interested in the effects of social media on our psychology, behaviors, and relationships–and the extent to which it allows us to avoid these things when they become difficult.

Ingrid’s obsession with Taylor is really about the void in her life left by the death of her mother. When she is unable to find the love and support to overcome this in the real world, she turns to the internet for validation. As she later reveals, Ingrid is fully aware of what an inaccurate representation of life Taylor depicts on her account; however, she still wants to believe the fantasy. Even as she scorns the empty popularity game of Instagram, Ingrid craves attention and approval from her followers.

I appreciate Ingrid’s dilemma as I frequently have a love/hate relationship with social media. I keep up with so many people I probably would have lost touch with because of my social media accounts. But I do worry that I’m only representing myself superficially on these accounts (and, likewise, that others are doing the same). There are times when I use these accounts to avoid face-to-face human interaction; some days I don’t talk to anyone except by text. And I can’t count the number of times I’ve posted something brilliant and gotten annoyed when people haven’t shown their appreciation and liked it immediately.

On a side note, I will support any film that successfully incorporates the K-Ci and JoJo ballad “All My Life” into a scene.

Would my darling blog wife track this one down at all of its favorite spots or unfollow immediately? Read her review here to find out!

East Side Sushi, or: Tako Taco

I love movies.  I love food.  How pleased am I when I find ways to happily bring these interests together?  Almost as pleased as I feel about the idea of Mexican/Japanese fusion cuisine, conveniently depicted in this week’s pick.

The Film:

East Side Sushi

The Premise:

A Latina single mother struggling to support her daughter is determined to master the art of sushi despite the objections of…I mean, pretty much everyone.

The Ramble:

Juana is a single mother living with her father in Oakland, California.  She is far from living the dream as she works odd jobs trying to make ends meet and fund her daughter’s education.  The family’s main source of income seems to be a fruit cart–that is, until one day Juana is robbed at gunpoint.

Disheartened and quite shaken, Juana’s luck takes a turn when she stumbles across a Help Wanted sign hanging in a sushi restaurant.  Though she’s a talented cook and has some serious skill with knives, the help needed is for a kitchen assistant–cleaning, washing dishes, making rice, and doing some other food prep.

Insert super quick knife action here.

It’s not long before Juana gets a chance to show off her talents when the kitchen is short-staffed, and sushi chef Aki begins to respect her expertise.  Though initially Juana claims she has tried sushi and didn’t like it, she gives it another try and falls in love with the flavors.  Her father and daughter are less than thrilled, however, when Juana begins making sushi at home instead of their usual Mexican fare.  Juana’s father in particular remains stubbornly critical of her venture into Japanese cooking and her ambitions to master sushi.

Even as Juana makes progress at home, she is held back by the traditional views of the restaurant owner, Mr. Yoshida, and several of the sushi chefs, who claim women’s hands are too warm to make sushi(…?).  However, with the encouragement of Aki, she begins to observe the sushi chefs and pick up their techniques.  When the restaurant is down a sushi chef, Juana impresses Aki with her sushi making, but must create her sushi rolls in the stock room, out of sight of patrons and Mr. Yoshida.

“Yeah, but is it gluten-free?”

On her own, Juana decides to enter a local sushi competition to prove her skills and perhaps win money for her daughter’s education.  At last, Juana’s father begins to support her efforts as he helps her film a video submission.  It doesn’t hurt at all that he gets to taste test her fusion sushi rolls, featuring jalapeños and poblano peppers.

Her sushi skills ever on the rise, Juana tires of receiving no recognition for her work and decides to make sushi up front with the other chefs.  Of course, this is not received well by Mr. Yoshida or by the bullshit white dudes who complain about the lack of authenticity.  After being denied the option to even apply for the open sushi chef position at the restaurant, Juana chooses to quit rather than endure the disrespect.

Sake it to me? (Sorry/not sorry)

Once again working low-paying jobs, barely scraping by, and with no passion for sushi or any other kind of cooking, Juana feels utterly without hope.  Remember that sushi competition, though?  Maybe an opportunity will present itself when a mysterious envelope arrives from the organizers of the competition.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

As a somewhat belated disclaimer, I’m such a sucker for the formulaic following your dreams, overcoming adversity, feel-good film…especially if there’s food involved.  This does follow that formula pretty closely, but brings a unique perspective and presents its characters with nuance and care.  There’s a slow build, but the emotional impact of the film suddenly creeps up–when Juana’s father finally comes around (and gives her one of her mother’s scarves for luck), I had so many feels.  Diana Elizabeth Torres is an absolute gem as Juana, whose quiet determination, compassion, and curiosity come across beautifully on screen.

The film is very interested in questions of authenticity in the restaurant world, and to what extent those ideas are used to maintain the status quo.  In one of Juana’s rare outbursts, she points out the hypocrisy inherent in the sushi restaurant’s illusion of authenticity, as well as the irony that so many Latinos are behind the scenes in every great restaurant yet just one in public view is not accepted.

I also love the subtle yet sweet relationship between Juana and Aki.  Really all they do together is make and eat food, so I feel they have the ideal relationship.  Aki is adorable, supportive, and incredibly proud of Juana’s successes.  Refreshingly, the romance is very subtle and not at all the focus of this film.  It’s nice for Juana to have someone who’s always in her corner, though, and who gifts her with beautiful sharp knives.

However, I’m extremely angry that I can’t actually try any of the mouthwatering combinations Juana creates during this film.  Streaming this film should also come with at least a couple of sushi rolls.

Would Christa chop this one up and roll it into sushi or toss it with last week’s King Salmon? Find out in her post here!

The Jane Austen Book Club, or: You Don’t Talk About Book Club

Once again, we’re doing what we want on the blog this month.  This time around, we’re heading to California for a comedy of manners with plenty of relationship drama and connections to 19th-century classics of English literature.

The Film:

The Jane Austen Book Club

The Premise:

I sometimes don’t know if you really want me to state the obvious and/or if you don’t 100% understand how film titles usually work.

The Ramble:

In Sacramento, California, a host of seemingly unconnected characters lead rather unglamorous lives encountering everyday annoyances.  Unknowingly, they will all be drawn together by Jane Austen.  Book Club.

They are:

• Bernadette, founder of the book club and divorcee who has been married 6 times
• Sylvie, recently separated from her husband after a shocking revelation
• Jocelyn, Sylvie’s bestie and perpetually single dog breeder
• Allegra, Sylvie’s daughter and a born risk-taker
• Prudie (Emily  Blunt), a French teacher feeling bored and dissatisfied with her marriage
• Grigg, sci-fi nerd and the only male member of the club

The Ice Cream and Isak Dinesen Club wasn’t quite as catchy.

After Sylvie’s husband discloses an ongoing affair, her friends attempt desperately to cheer her up.  Her daughter Allegra moves back in with her, having recently split up with her girlfriend anyway.  In a stroke of genius, Bernadette proposes a book club to distract Sylvie after encountering a distraught Prudie.  The book club may also help Jocelyn feel better, who recently held a funeral for one of her dogs (in an unexpected connection to last week’s film, Mr. Roosevelt).

By chance, Jocelyn meets Grigg at a conference center and inducts him into the book club.  Jocelyn recommends Austen to Grigg, while Grigg suggests Ursula K. LeGuin (bittersweet as I learned she passed away earlier today just prior to writing this post).

BOOK POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN.

As you have likely guessed, the 6 members of the book club discuss each of Austen’s 6 novels, discovering unexpected parallels between the works of fiction and their own lives.

Jocelyn, who invited Grigg to the book club to set him up with Sylvie, is very clearly the Emma of our film.  She begins to regret pushing Grigg and Sylvie together when she starts to develop feelings for him, but stubbornly carries on.

Sylvie and Allegra end up living their own version of Sense & Sensibility, with Sylvie as the voice of reason and Allegra as the reckless romantic.  Though she tries to move on, Sylvie still loves her husband and finds it difficult to end their marriage.  Meanwhile, Allegra is off skydiving, avoiding commitments, and meeting ladies.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that it’s more fun to watch adaptations loosely based on Austen novels than to actually read the books.

Prudie’s life ends up very similar to Persuasion when she seems ready to give up on her marriage in favor of a fling with a student who does quite a strong smoldering stare.  Like Anne Elliot, Prudie realizes she does love the man she’s rejected…but is the damage too great for her to repair?

As the book club approaches its final novel, tensions rise and personalities clash.  After Allegra falls while climbing a rock wall (a problem I am unlikely to ever relate to), the book club holds a meeting in her hospital room.  When a big fight erupts on several fronts, the book club and the friendships holding it together are in jeopardy.  Has Jane Austen broken up the band?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

The relationships between the characters are great, and the idea of the book club is quite sweet.  Though the film clearly wants a nice happy ending, it does capture the group’s dynamic in a mostly realistic way–though the book club members support each other, there is still gossip behind each other’s backs and some rather petty fights.  At the end of the day, though, the relationships between women are the driving force of this film as they care for and heal each other.

That being said, I found some of the characters insufferable.  Prudie and Allegra both annoyed the bejeezus out of me, mostly because both of their characters make choices that are painfully terrible and may have negative consequences for others.  I absolutely loved Bernadette and would’ve completely supported a movie that was 75% about her.

This is a light-hearted movie akin to a soothing cup of tea–which, coincidentally goes along perfectly with a good book.

Would my blog wife watch this one again or just read the book?  Read her review here to find out!

Shark Month: Sharknado

Shark Month continues with a modern classic!  Christa’s pick, so we can finally cross this off the bad movie bucket list.

The Film:

Sharknado

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

Words fail me.

The Uncondensed Version:

Right off the bat there’s a surprisingly strong environmental message…?  The sharknado seems to be an almost direct response to a sea captain bragging about killing 20,000 sharks to sell and boastfully declaring, “Sharks should be afraid of us.”  (And I’m pretty sure most of them are.)  Oh, and global warming.  Also global warming.

Since this is a shark attack movie, we see what befalls the first victims of the sharknado, followed immediately by California beach party scenes.

Our main protagonist, Fin, is a surfer dude who also owns a bar/restaurant.  It seems Bikini, whose actual character name (Nova) I had to Google, actually does most of the bartending while he gets his surf on.  Btw, Nova also has a gigantic leg scar, but she doesn’t like to talk about it.  Dramatic foreshadowing:  she also doesn’t like to talk about sharks.

SHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARK.

So anyway, Fin is out doing his surfer thing when the sharknado rolls in.  It’s a hurricane made of sharks in case that isn’t clear.  Comprised of the exact same clip showed on a loop at repeated intervals throughout this film.

Fin is a bit of sleaze and apparently is irresistible to all women, including Nova as well as this random surfer lady.  After failing to save the surfer, Fin turns to his friend Tasmania, whose actual character name I can’t be bothered to Google.  He’s from Tasmania.  I never said I give particularly creative nicknames.

When the hurricane/sharknado begins in earnest, Fin closes the bar.  But it’s too late and, exactly like that scene in the diner from The Birds, the sharks begin attacking the building.

EXACTLY.  LIKE.  THE HITCHCOCK CLASSIC.

Between the hurricane and the sharks, Santa Monica is decimated.  Even the Ferris wheel.  Points lost for not using Savage Garden’s “Santa Monica” anywhere in this movie, which got stuck in my head every time someone said Santa Monica.

Fin, Nova, Tasmania, and Bar Creep who is one of the most loyal regulars all manage to survive.  Their plan?  To find Fin’s ex-wife, Tara Reid, and their daughter to make sure the family is safe.

What have I done with my life?

But our team will have to contend with flooding, sharks on the streets, sharks in houses, sharks on cars…you can see how the novelty of sharks being in bizarre places where they could never survive in real life wears off pretty quickly.

That will either appeal to you or it won’t.  Suffice it to say the brilliant plan our crew comes up with is dropping a bomb in the sharknado.

Yes.  I just typed that sentence.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I just don’t get why there are 3 of these (soon to be 4).  The characters are all painfully irritating, and it doesn’t matter to me at all when any of them die (or even make a surprise comeback).  We don’t even get a crusty sea captain stereotype and, as far as I’m concerned, there’s no point in even having a shark movie without one.  They try to add some character depth to Fin, struggling to be present in his children’s lives, and Nova, overcoming the trauma of her shark attack, but it all falls so flat.

The majority of those 3 stars are for the name, which is on par with Raiders of the Lost Shark (truly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Worse than Monkey’s Paw in terms of production values).

At this point I know I’m just nitpicking, but it’s unclear to me what exactly the sharknado is and why it happened.  Was the hurricane part of the sharknado?  Did it CAUSE the sharknado?  Should I stop searching for logic in this film???  (But also, how would the sharks survive for that long in a tornado??!?!)

Weirdly, 12 Days of Terror was way better.  Again, I need to be more consistent with my ratings because I gave this the same rating as Sabrina, Down Under, which isn’t fair to Sabrina.

Would Christa drop a bomb on the swirling bloody mess that was this movie or become one with the sharknado?  Read her review here to find out!