Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas, or: Tea & Sympathy

*Spoilers follow*

As 2021 winds down, we have just one more Christmas film filled with cheesy goodness for the Collab. Luckily, we know ourselves well enough to avoid anything with princes, corporate executives, or hard-working single parents. On the other hand, a title with a play on ghosting done in poor taste along with best friends navigating LA and dreaming of tea blend competitions that don’t sound made up at all? Extremely our jam.

The Film:

Ghosting: The Spirit of Christmas

The Premise:

After a young woman dies following a perfect first date, she becomes a ghost and must determine how to ascend to the next plane.

The Ramble:

Los Angeles roomies Jess and Kara seem to be opposites in virtually every element of their lives, yet have remained bffs for years. Adventurous Jess hasn’t met a plan she’s followed through on, always seeking a new hobby, date, or job. Meanwhile, solitary Kara is content to stay indoors, making the apartment feel cozy and full of good energy.

On a fateful night when Jess heads out for a first date with a new match, Kara is perfectly fine with being at home, perfecting the special tea blends that are her passion. Though Jess isn’t too thrilled about the evening, she quickly changes her tune when she bonds with her date, aspiring artist Ben. Ecstatic on her drive home, Jess takes a moment to check a text from Ben…which turns out to be the last thing she does.

Following her death, Jess experiences an unusual phenomenon: she haunts her own funeral. The only person more confused in all of this is Kara, who appears to be the only person who can see and hear her bff. Seeking guidance in these spiritual matters, Kara meets with her expert…energy healer(?), who advises her client that ghosts may be unable to move on because of love.

Around this time, Ben begins to feel disappointment that Jess never replied to his text after a great date. After an offhand remark that his sister Mae makes about assuming anyone who has ghosted to be dead, the two are chagrined when they learn the truth. However, they have the chance to make things right when Kara has a meet cute bumping into Mae at a farmers’ market…and Jess realizes there’s one other person who can see and hear her.

But will Ben agree to essentially date a ghost on the chance it could help Jess ascend to the next plane? And will Kara process her own grief and pursue her dreams or be forever stuck in limbo along with Jess?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

This film is really sweet, and making Jess and Kara’s friendship the center of our story is a good call. It’s much more believable that a close, long-lasting friendship needs closure than a possible romance following a first date. The way Jess and Kara support and encourage each other even after death is cute. On a shallow note, our leads have some great outfits and I’m extremely envious of their apartment (which they can somehow afford in LA).

That being said, the script does have some problems, specifically when it comes to the spirit plane. The characters joke how poorly defined the rules are for ghosts in this world, but it still doesn’t make up for how little attention was given to defining what is and isn’t possible for ghosts. Jess walks on floors but can’t touch or open doors. She can sit on a bicycle but can’t turn the pedals. Jess’s best friend and potential boyfriend can see her, but her parents can’t. And no one can touch Jess or feel her touch…except for when they can. I consume too much sci-fi/fantasy to let that slide.

Additionally, I really hated the end, particularly the last couple of scenes. There’s a scene between Jess and Ben that reveals his death around a year later, and it’s played off pretty casually. In this version of the next plane, spirits get to hang out at a bar forever, which (a) sounds terrible and (b) really cheapens the message of our film. Two people have died tragically young, but it’s all good in the end because they get to drink in heaven for eternity, and this is…a happy resolution? This scene really took me out of the movie as the tone felt all wrong. Overall, it’s fairly charming and a bit more memorable than some other generic Christmas rom-com fare.

Would my blog wife take this one out for a ghostly date or refuse to even make it a weak cup of tea? Read her review to find out!

Happiest Season, or: Harper’s a Lyre

Global pandemic, climate change, and political instability aside, we are truly living in a renaissance…for made-for-TV romantic Christmas romps. Though like most things streaming, we’re overwhelmed with options, this is also my favorite thing about the rise and rise of Christmas movies. This week’s pick is our 2nd LGBTQ pick of the month…which I don’t think would have even been possible 5 years ago.

The Film:

Happiest Season

The Premise:

A woman invites her girlfriend home for the holidays to meet her family…neglecting to tell anyone that her partner is anything more than a roommate.

The Ramble:

Since her parents died when she was just 19, Abby hasn’t been big on Christmas. She’s perfectly content staying at home to earn that sweet petsitting cash from all of the suckers who will be traveling for the holidays. However, when her girlfriend Harper impulsively invites Abby home to meet the family, she agrees, hoping to make better Christmas memories by proposing(!).

Though Abby has managed to convince her literary agent friend John to care for all of the pets while the couple is away, Harper suddenly reverses course the next day. She finally reveals on the drive to her parents’ home that the reason for her agitation is that she’s never come out to her family and is planning to introduce Abby as her roommate, not girlfriend. It will make things easier over the holidays with Harper’s high-strung family as they navigate her father’s mayoral campaign. Apparently.

The plan is complicated by Abby’s character flaw of being a terrible liar, though Harper’s family is so painfully heteronormative that the possibility of either woman being a lesbian never occurs to a single person. Harper’s parents even invite her ex and childhood friend Connor out for dinner with the family that Abby attends.

In addition to contending with perfectionist parents who have made Harper the favorite, her sister Sloane is fiercely competitive. Seeming to have the perfect family that will look great for campaign photos, Sloane is proud and eager to prove she’s just as accomplished as Harper. Meanwhile, sister Jane plays the role of awkward weirdo, recapping the fantasy novel she’s writing to anyone who will listen, and not quite fitting in with the image-obsessed family.

While making her way around the small town and getting ditched by Harper at parties, Abby meets another of her girlfriend’s exes, Riley. Riley provides a calm & collected sounding board for Abby, who could use a break from Harper’s family…especially after a prank gone awry leads everyone of influence in town to believe Abby is a shoplifter.

Effectively ostracized from the family during their parties and campaign events, Abby begins to question how real her relationship with Harper can be, particularly since there seem to be two completely different sides to her girlfriend. At a certain point, the people-pleasing Harper will have to make a choice between her status as golden child and being true to herself…but will it be too late for her to find happiness?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before about this film, but Harper puts some unbelievably toxic behaviors on display, especially for a Christmas movie where we’re supposed to root for her relationship to work. I say this not only as a major fan of Aubrey Plaza, but as a proponent of functional relationships: Abby deserved better and probably should have ended up with Riley. The chemistry between Kristen Stewart and Aubrey feels more believable, and the character of Riley is way less awful than Harper.

Because the character of Harper dances right up to the edge of ruining this film, we should spend some time dissecting her as a person. Since the POV is mostly Abby’s, Harper comes across as an absolute disaster. We don’t get enough interiority to understand her awful behavior–not that there’s necessarily enough explanation in the world to justify how she acts. The way Harper’s family treats Abby is one thing (and is extremely poor, btw), but the way Harper interacts with her own girlfriend is truly terrible.

Even though I’ve done nothing but complain in this review, I do give the film credit because it is actually well-cast and well-acted for the most part, and the writing for the supporting characters is great. Dan Levy of course steals every scene he’s in, and Mary Holland’s misfit Jane is a character I relate to so much. The saving grace of this film is that it’s surprisingly easy to ignore Harper for the most part since she’s off ditching her girlfriend and sucking up to political influencers. Kristen Stewart and the supporting cast really shine in this one and make it worth the watch.

Would my blog wife propose to this one or go out drinking with drag queens instead? Read her review to find out!

Single All the Way, or: Just for Snow

The more time passes (particularly in our current pandemic existence), the less inclined I feel to embrace my inner Grinch around the holidays. And while I certainly don’t recommend pasting on a smile when you’re really not feeling it, sometimes the horrendous advice “fake it ’til you make it” does help me experience a bit of Christmas cheer even when I could stand to hibernate for the next 7 years at least.

Btw, fake it ’til you make it (and I really should emphasize again that I hate this expression) is advice that probably shouldn’t apply to relationships. But in the gumdrop fantasy Christmas land of feel-good holiday movies, that is the only appropriate approach to romance that lasts all season long.

The Film:

Single All the Way

The Premise:

At home for the holidays, single Peter agrees to a blind date setup while wondering if his roommate/bff could be the man he’s loved all along.

The Ramble:

After close to a decade living together in Los Angeles, bffs Peter and Nick have clearly iterated and reiterated that they absolutely 1000% have no romantic interest in each other. They have supported each other through Peter’s dissatisfaction with his vague, soulless social media advertising job, Nick’s writer’s block after writing a children’s bestseller, and countless breakups and disappointments. But there’s no way Peter and Nick would ever date, a statement that will definitely hold up well if we follow the conventions of similar gentle holiday-themed rom-coms.

This holiday season promises radical change for Peter: instead of being the–horror of horrors–lone sadsack single in a family where everyone is coupled up, Peter is planning to bring home his boyfriend, a gorgeous cardiologist. Too bad the new boyfriend turns out to be shady AF, and meeting the family is quickly ruled out…but not before Peter has strongly implied he plans to bring home a major surprise for Christmas.

Good thing roommate and bff Nick is always there for Peter, and the inevitable fake boyfriend at Christmas scheme is hatched. However, immediately upon arriving in Peter’s small New Hampshire hometown, his mother reveals schemes of her own, namely a blind date with her spin instructor James. Relieved to dodge the fake relationship trope altogether, Nick is all too eager for Peter to go on the date…or is he?

Nick won’t have much time to think about it as Peter’s family keeps him busy, taking advantage of his many DIY skills to complete long-needed maintenance and make the family home look appropriately festive. I would venture the family, including Peter’s mom–who is so into the spirit of the season that she demands everyone in the family refer to her as “Christmas Carole”–quickly crosses the line into straight-up expecting their house guest to complete all of their minor household repairs in a way that feels underhanded even as Nick claims he loves doing this kind of work. I really hope no international viewers (including lovely Christa) think having hosts majorly exploit your labor is a normal expectation for Christmas visitors in the States.

Meanwhile, Peter is swanning around town with James, obliviously breaking Nick’s heart. Making matters worse, James is a conventionally attractive, kind-hearted athletic type regularly dishing out sage advice. Conveniently, James has moved to Peter’s hometown for ski season, just as our leading man is considering returning to the area for good and pursuing his dream of opening a small plant store. Not the kind as nightmare-inducing as in J-horror Pulse, ideally.

As members of Peter’s family scheme to set him up with Nick and James respectively, his former actor aunt Sandy is putting the final touches on the local Nativity play, a production she has personally scripted entitled “Jesus H. Christ.” With the rehearsals going less than well with Sandy’s exacting directorial style, Peter’s nieces put forward a win-win solution: have Peter and Nick assist with the play, thereby saving the day while spending precious holiday time together. Which, as I’ve underlined in several other rom-com reviews, feels like a better way to get stressed-out people to scream at each other rather than fall in love.

Throughout the proceedings, we check off a number of additional tropes, including Peter and Nick having to do a last-minute, dramatically important photo shoot, sharing a bed for pretty flimsy reasons, and doing silly choreographed dance moves. Is it enough for them to realize their long-simmering romantic feelings for each other?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Perhaps unsurprisingly, this was never going to get a 5-star rating from me. I will say the story is quite sweet, and it’s such a relief to have more LGBTQ+ stories regularly make their way into the Hallmark-type holiday rotation. Visually, our film looks so cozy and festive that it would be ideal for Netflix to provide a dusting of snow and a mug of hot cocoa for all viewers.

Beyond this, our film is so full of cliches and jam-packed with way more characters than necessary. Jennifer Coolidge is of course excellent as self-absorbed Hollywood stereotype Aunt Sandy and plays my favorite character by far. And not only because she manages to pull off an unexplained Glinda costume in the Nativity play. Many of the other supporting characters feel bland in comparison to be honest, and just kind of take up space.

I also happen to despise the “overbearing family believes your being single is the saddest story to be told while playing the world’s tiniest violin” trope that is this genre’s bread and butter. It comes across about as well as it does in any other of these holiday films, i.e. really manipulative and condescending AF. I’m glad that Peter’s sexuality is fully accepted by his family, but it’s slightly irritating that they can’t also accept his singledom.

Our leads are perfectly charming, though the annoying love triangle setup means Peter and Nick don’t actually get as much screen time together as you might expect…so I wasn’t overly invested in their relationship. That being said, I was definitely rooting for them, as James is one step away from being a walking Ken doll and is the type of blandly perfect man who usually turns out to be a murderer in Lifetime movies.

Despite the tone of this overly critical review, I did mostly enjoy this one, but not enough that I anticipate remembering much about it past this week.

Would my blog wife hit it off with this one on a blind date or scald it with boiling hot cocoa? Find out in her review!

Black Nativity, or: Angela Bassett We Have Heard on High

It’s our 2nd Forest Whitaker musical of the month, and I’m not complaining. Once again playing a rather stern figure who may need to rethink his priorities, will this week’s pick recapture the magic of Jingle Jangle? I mean, will anything?

The Film:

Black Nativity

The Premise:

Facing eviction ahead of the holidays, a Baltimore mother sends her son to stay with his grandparents as he unravels family secrets and inevitably learns the true meaning of Christmas.

The Ramble:

Named for the Harlem Renaissance poet (and playwright who scripted the inspiration for our film), our young hero Langston is experiencing a rather unhappy Christmas season. On the brink of eviction from their Baltimore home, his mother Naima sends Langston to stay with his estranged grandparents in Harlem for the holidays. Promising to join her son soon, it seems impossible that Naima will follow through on this.

Less than stoked to spend time with his grandparents, who share a troubled relationship with their daughter, Langston’s trip goes from bad to worse when he steps off the bus and immediately loses his backpack to a thief. Even more aggravating is his arrest after being accused of stealing a guest’s wallet in a hotel lobby.

Luckily, Langston’s grandfather, the Reverend Cornell Cobbs, picks him up from jail…though is less than understanding. Langston fails to score points as a grandchild by expressing confusion that the family says grace before eating. Even so, the Rev shows Langston some family heirlooms related to their proud history of involvement in the Civil Rights movement, including a pocket watch that belonged to Martin Luther King, Jr. himself.

Unfortunately, Langston sees the pocket watch as a way to earn money to pay down the rent his mother owes by selling it at the nearest pawn shop. As luck would have it, the pawn shop owner knows Rev. Cobbs and that he would never voluntarily part with the piece.

Though he strikes out with the watch, Langston encounters a man on the street who can set him up with anything he needs, including a handgun. Langston begins to set the wheels in motion in an extremely misguided attempt to get the money needed to stop the eviction.

As he gets to know his grandparents better, Langston begins to unravel the family’s secrets. While reluctantly attending the Christmas Eve service and hearing the Nativity story at church, Langston offers a place to sit to young expecting couple Maria and Jo Jo. Get it? But do you get it since it’s incredibly subtle?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Christmas miracle of Naima managing to reunite with her family occurs…but does it mean the truth will surface and the power of forgiveness will smooth over past disagreements?

The Rating:

2.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

To me, there are three stages of watching this film (in no particular order): boredom, annoyance, state of awe of Angela Bassett.

Despite the incredible cast (Angela Bassett! Forest Whitaker! Jennifer Hudson! Mary J. Blige!), this is a surprisingly boring and disjointed film. The main plot line involving the family’s history and Langston’s poor decisions is quite predictable, and our talented cast don’t have nearly enough to do. Add to this the well-known Nativity story that’s not done in a particularly interesting or novel way, songs that are forgettable, and increasingly poor decisions by Langston (who TALKS BACK to Angela Bassett), and there’s not a lot going for it.

We do get strong vocal performances from just about everyone in our film, even if the songs themselves aren’t that interesting. And Angela Bassett in particular does rock the role, especially considering what she’s given to work with. However, there was a major missed opportunity for a Dreamgirls mash-up, especially a scene near the end where a reprise of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” wouldn’t have hurt at all.

All of this being said, I still teared up a little at the extremely predictable end.

Would my blog wife greet this one with open arms or pawn it off as soon as humanly possible? Read her review to find out!

Holiday Rush, or: (Gum)drop the Bass

You just can’t have a steampunk-inspired Christmas musical every week, can you? But you can have a holiday film about a radio station that at least talks about Christmas music and throws in a festive tune or two! This week’s pick may not enjoy quite the same amount of holiday magic or gorgeously realized fashions, though it does have an impressive number of customized matching footie pajamas.

The Film:

Holiday Rush

The Premise:

After losing their jobs, a radio DJ and his boss attempt to launch a new station, all while teaching spoiled children the true meaning of Christmas as the holidays approach.

The Ramble:

Successful local DJ Rush Williams becomes increasingly confident as his career grows. The part of his life that could most use improvement? His parenting style. More and more inclined to simply throw money at whatever problems arise for his children, Rush has unwittingly created spoiled little brats he can never say no to. This Christmas seems to be no exception as the kids demand outlandish gifts like miniature horses, cars, and designer clothes.

It’s not a coincidence that Rush feels the need to overcompensate where his kids are concerned. Since the death of his wife, Rush feels pressure to play the role of both parents while keeping his grief to himself. Luckily, Rush’s aunt spends a lot of time taking care of the children, accepting absolutely no nonsense. But is that really enough to replace quality time with their dad?

Perpetually late, Rush has boss and friend Roxy to keep him on track. The two share an ambition: to co-own the radio station where they work. For the time being, this means playing it safe, opting for pre-approved Christmas classics over Rush’s preferred “Christmas in Hollis.” That is, until the station is acquired by a much larger, more cut-throat company, which immediately cancels Rush and Roxy’s show and sends them home with not even a holiday bonus.

Though he’s worried about the future of his dreams, family man Rush is most concerned about letting down the kids. Not only does Rush’s job loss mean a much more toned down Christmas than in years, past, but it also means the family will have to sell the house and move in with Auntie Jo. Their aunt now lives in the family’s former home, infused with the difficult memories of the children’s mother dying of cancer, and where her absence will feel most keen.

As chance would have it, selling the house would give Rush some much-needed funds for a promising new investment: the radio station where he and Roxy got their first start is now up for sale, giving the pair a chance to fulfill their dream. But their rival radio station is determined to see them fail, and Rush and Roxy have limited resources. Can the dynamic duo help their new station thrive, prove the naysayers wrong, and pay attention to the mistletoe in the air, all while helping Rush’s children learn the true meaning of Christmas? It’s a tall order…but if you’ve seen even one made-for-TV Christmas movie, you know the answer.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

There’s nothing glaringly wrong here…I just didn’t find this a particularly interesting film. The story lines of Rush and Roxy trying to get their radio station off the ground and that of Rush trying to parent his children feel mostly separate until the end, which makes for a disjointed plot. Because the film has too much going on, neither of these stories, or the characters themselves, feel particularly fleshed out. As a result, a lot of the emotional moments don’t have the impact intended. There’s a rather cringey scene in which Rush talks to the ghost of his wife that failed to tug at my heart strings (and, honestly, verged on making me laugh).

Our leads are watchable (full disclosure: I adore Sonequa Martin-Green), though, and Auntie Jo is a fun addition to the family. However, they don’t get as much screen time as I would have liked, sharing the set with Rush’s four children. They’re honestly not the worst–though they are spoiled, it seems pretty clear that it’s the circumstances that have created bad behavior rather than that they are somehow “bad” kids. Even so, they get a bit more screen time than I would have liked, and very little personality development beyond being walking, talking Christmas wish lists.

However, it does check all of the boxes required of a made-for-TV Christmas film, and you could do worse while wrapping presents, trimming the tree, drinking mulled wine, and any other appropriately festive holiday activities you may choose.

Would my blog wife gift this one a pony for Christmas or leave it only with a lesson about the true meaning of the holidays? Find out in her review!

Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey, or: Hark the Herald Androids Sing

It’s December with less than 3 weeks until Christmas, and you can bet we’re keeping things festive on the Blog Collab. Don’t worry–this week’s pick features no fetus angels, alternate timelines, or public outings of multiple LGBTQ folks. However, you’d better be prepared for plenty of song and dance, flying robots, and a colorful steampunk aesthetic this time around.

The Film:

Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey

The Premise:

Years after betrayal from his apprentice and the tragic death of his wife, a curmudgeonly inventor struggles to connect with his granddaughter as he works on creating a toy that could save his career and family.

The Ramble:

In the present day (which feels close to the early 20th century except steampunk), young siblings have a disagreement about whether the dancing figures that seem to appear in the fireplace are real…or if Christmas magic is well and truly dead. Their knowing grandmother is fully prepared to entertain the children with a special story, The Invention of Jeronicus Jangle. And perhaps the story will contain its own lessons about Christmas magic along the way.

As the story goes, Jeronicus Jangle (disappointingly, no one in this film was actually christened with the name Jingle Jangle) was a genius inventor who oversaw the most wonderful toy shop around. Along with his wife Joanne and daughter Jessica, Jeronicus created rather steampunk inventions. His latest is a matador-inspired doll that comes to life and happens to be the most stereotypical caricature of a Spaniard…so it’s no surprise that its name is Don Juan Diego. Now a sentient being, Don Juan has an extremely existential crisis when he discovers the toymaker’s plan is to mass-produce millions of his clones. I also have a lot of questions about this, honestly.

Quite cunningly, Don Juan catches onto the resentment of apprentice Gustafson and uses the situation to his advantage, manipulating the young man to take off with all of Jangle’s plans that really should have been copyrighted by now. Shortly after the betrayal, Jangle falls into despair when his wife dies. Stalled as an inventor and neglectful as a father, Jangle ends up all alone and with no inspiration for new ideas. He vows to never create another invention again.

Decades later, Gustafson has set up an even more successful shop, getting away with his theft for…reasons. Though Don Juan is the toy, it becomes pretty obvious he’s the one pulling the strings in this operation. However, the team has now gone through every blueprint in Jangle’s massive book of plans, and they struggle to come up with original ideas that will work.

Meanwhile, Jangle operates a pawnbroker’s shop with the help of his chipper young assistant Edison. Postal worker Ms. Johnston seems to be one of the few folks around who actually likes Jangle, encouraging him to smile (and pay her some attention). But Jangle is focused completely on inventing, as he’s been given a deadline by the bank to come up with a product or face massive debt. Why is money suddenly a sufficient incentive for Jangle to dig out the inventor’s toolkit? Again…reasons.

Around this time, Jangle’s granddaughter Journey decides it’s past time that she met her legendary grandfather. Still embittered after his experience with Gustafson, Jangle requires Journey to sign a legally binding agreement before she can even stay with him.

It’s not long before Journey meets Edison, and the two uncover a long-forgotten invention of Jangle’s, an ominous-sounding robot named the Buddy 3000. The two children managed to bring the robot (which can fly!) to life because they believe in it enough. A cynic might roll their eyes just a little bit here.

Unsurprisingly, Jangle is a bit more reluctant to believe in Christmas magic. He’s rather more annoyed that Journey and Edison have disrupted his workspace, and he doesn’t believe for a second that the robot is actually working as intended.

It’s not long before Gustafson discovers the nature of Jangle’s latest creation and steals it for himself. After Journey and Edison learn of the theft, they are determined to reclaim Buddy and save the future of Jangle’s shop. But can they succeed in their quest without shenanigans? Probably not.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Look, I enjoyed this for around 90 minutes, but our film clocks in at nearly 2 hours (excluding the delightfully animated end credits, which add at least 10 minutes to the film’s runtime). There are repeated moments towards the film’s conclusion when I expected the credits to roll…only to realize we STILL had anywhere from 30 to 15 minutes remaining. I question how readily a young child would sit down for 2 HOURS and follow the somewhat convoluted plot.

I will grant that the film has a lot going for it, and is the most enjoyable recent Christmas film I can think of (I also liked last year’s animated film Klaus a lot). The cast is incredible, from Forest Whitaker to Anika Noni Rose, Keegan-Michael Key, Ricky Martin, Phylicia Rashad, and newcomer Madalen Mills.

The film also looks great–the costumes are wonderfully colorful, and the sets and elaborate choreography reflect the sort of Dickens steampunk on Broadway aesthetic you start to expect after only a few minutes of viewing. Forest Whitaker as Jangle in particular has the coziest looking coat/robe that I would buy immediately should the Jingle Jangle fashion line take off. The songs aren’t super memorable, but the scenes make them come alive in a way that’s absorbing enough so that you may only occasionally think about the number of feats that would be next to impossible in the world of mid-pandemic film production.

I will say that there’s too much going on for the story to really feel like a progression, which disappoints me a bit. There’s not necessarily a feeling that Jangle grows as a person; he’s just suddenly no longer a jerk.

And I got needlessly distracted (as I do) by (1) Don Juan Diego’s portrayal as a complete stereotype and (2) the ethical implications of not only cloning a sentient being, but more or less murdering it. Overthinking this? Most likely. However, I think the arc of Don Juan Diego is increasingly dark and Frankenstein-ian the more you think about it. You’re heading into thoroughly gray area when creating lifeforms and then expecting them to do your bidding.

That being said, I did overall find this film sweet, charming, and full of Christmas cheer.

Would my festive blog wife bring this film to life with her belief or scrap the blueprints before it could be built? Read her review to find out!

A New York Christmas Wedding, or: It’s a Wonderful Alternate Life

With a year as difficult as 2020, we’ve decided to start Christmas early on the Collab. Will we regret this in a couple of weeks? Most likely. However, at the moment it’s a relief to consume stories with endings both incredibly predictable and overly sappy. This week’s pick is no exception.

The Film:

A New York Christmas Wedding

The Premise:

After a chance encounter with a disguised angel, a woman gets the opportunity to reconnect with loved ones she has lost, reconsidering what her New York Christmas wedding will be.

The Ramble:

In Queens, NY, Jenny Ortiz faces a familiar teen predicament: she’s in love with her best friend, who is dating a dirtbag. To make things a bit more interesting, Jenny’s bff is Gabi, an Italian-American girl with a conservative family. Uncertain about her own feelings for her bestie and feeling a bit smothered, Gabi blows off an evening of Christmas decorating with Jenny (which would have provided a convenient time to share true feelings) in favor of an evening with her boyfriend.

Jenny doesn’t handle things well–understandable considering she’s still hurting following the death of her mother. After writing off Gabi (literally), Jenny must live with regret when her bff dies a few months later. The holiday season is never the same again when, years later, Jenny’s father dies close to Christmas.

Unaware of Jenny’s aversion to the holiday, her future mother-in-law has made arrangements for a Christmas Eve wedding. While Jenny claims it’s the sense of loss she feels around the holidays that makes her dread the wedding, it’s clear early on that other issues are at play.

Following an awkward dinner with her in-laws, Jenny goes out for a late-night run, coming to the aid of a cyclist struck by a car. When Jenny notices the stranger, Azrael Gabeson, is unscathed–crisp white clothing not even a smidge dirty–he gives the kind of vague mystical advice that will surely lead to a memorable turn of events.

When Jenny wakes up the next morning, she is astonished to find herself in an apartment she shares with Gabi and their dog. After some confusion, Jenny meets Azrael again, who explains that she has more or less entered a parallel dimension. She has 48 hours to enjoy an alternate timeline in which both Jenny’s father and Gabi are still alive (though apparently Jenny’s mother is SOL).

In this timeline, it’s Jenny and Gabi whose wedding is around the corner. However, this couple has the additional obstacle of struggling to get approval from the venue, the church where Gabi is the choir director. A meeting with Father Kelly (played by Mr. Big from Sex and the City) yields no answers, as the priest’s personal feelings conflict with church decree, which still doesn’t officially recognize same-sex marriages.

After a Christmas Eve feast, Jenny uses the time with Gabi to resolve their fight from decades ago. Surprisingly (but also not surprisingly at all), there may be a Christmas wedding after all. But with Jenny rapidly running out of time, what will happen to her happy alternate timeline life when the 48 hours are up?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Okay, this film has a lot of problems. First, the sort of reverse It’s a Wonderful Life plot doesn’t work because of its own setup. Whereas the 1946 film encourages its protagonist to accept his life as it is, disappointments and all, this 2020 film emphasizes how much better the alternate timeline is than reality. How relatable that message feels at the moment…but it still doesn’t feel like a satisfying moral.

Also, the LGBTQ messages are certainly welcome but lacking subtlety. There are a LOT of scenes and lines of dialogue that feel pulled from an after-school special. What’s more is that these scenes give the audience no credit to connect the dots–always a pet peeve of mine.

And (spoiler/not really a spoiler), there’s a twist in which Azrael is revealed to be Gabi’s stillborn fetus, which I find extremely cringey. Perhaps it’s a consequence of watching too much horror, but the revelation made me immediately concerned Azrael may be seeking vengeance or otherwise up to no good. Being haunted by a fetus strikes me as unsettling at the very least.

Overall, there are way too elements here for a light holiday rom-com, and the amount of death here is much too heavy for the breezy happily-ever-after we get.

That being said, I appreciated watching a film that centers an LGBTQ couple and the experiences of people of color, especially in a genre that’s often painfully white and heteronormative.

Would my blog wife marry this one on Christmas or erase it from existence altogether? Find out in her review!

Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings: Jolene, or: Hallmark Christmas Lite

This year, we’ve endured sadistic nuns, swarms of cockroaches, Instagram stalkers, and zombies frequenting strip clubs, but it was the Christmas Collab that just about broke us. Luckily, our health and happiness always comes before sticking strictly to a theme; and a TV series based on the songs of Dolly Parton seems like the most perfect reason to disrupt a monthly theme. Though, strictly speaking, the TV episode we watched this week is as close as you can get to a Hallmark Christmas movie without actually mentioning Christmas.

The Show:

Heartstrings episode 1: “Jolene”

The Premise:

Inspired by the Dolly Parton song of the same name, Jolene is a flirty troublemaker whose insecurities attract men but ruin her female friendships.

The Ramble:

Based on the classic Dolly Parton song, Jolene fully lives up to her reputation as a gorgeous, self-confident charmer who has a smile for every man she sees. After being fired from her day job at a bank, Jolene is looking forward to letting loose in her evening job at sleazy honky tonk bar Baby Blues.

Meanwhile, housewife Emily struggles to care for her preteen son, keep her marriage alive, and organize the community’s upcoming harvest festival. Looking for some spice in her life (and in lieu of the actual Spice Girls), Emily hears from her gossipy co-organizers about the sketchy bar and plans to meet husband Aaron there for date night.

When Aaron stands up Emily for date night (again), she intends to leave right away until friendly bartender Jolene convinces her to stay. An aspiring singer/songwriter, Jolene performs a duet with club owner Babe (none other than Dolly herself)–and she’s good! After Jolene saves Emily from a creepy bar patron, the two are friends for life. Emily is eager to stay in touch with Jolene and offers her a job teaching guitar to son Jed.

All the while, Jolene is having an affair with a married man. In fact, Jolene’s type seems to be complete scumbag, which has Babe worried. Abandoned by her mother as a child, Jolene is quite keen to avoid any sort of emotional attachment, opting instead to focus on her dream of moving to Nashville and making it big as a country music star.

Unlike most of her friendships with other women, Jolene’s relationship with Emily feels very easy and natural. Emily folds Jolene into the family, even though Aaron seems a bit too keen to spend time with the talented young singer with an encyclopedic knowledge of dad music.

With advice from Jolene, Emily attempts to make her love life more interesting. For her part, Emily asks Jolene to perform at the harvest festival–as long as the organizers approve. It’s at this fateful audition that Jolene recognizes her married lover, the husband of one of the women on the board. Disappointed when Jolene tells her the truth, Emily feels caught between her friendships with both women. Worse, Emily begins to feel paranoid that Jolene would be willing to cross the line and have an affair with her own husband, Aaron.

As the harvest festival approaches, Emily distances herself from Jolene and becomes increasingly convinced her husband is having an affair with her former friend. After being heckled during her performance, Jolene confronts Emily, making for the uncomfortably personal fight that can only happen between good friends who know each other well.

Is it too late for Emily and Jolene’s friendship to blossom?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I didn’t hate this; Dolly swanning in and dispensing words of wisdom every now and then was very welcome.

Based on this first episode, the series seems to be a condensed version of a Hallmark Channel movie. The obvious advantage to this approach is that the episodes are shorter than a film, thus avoiding the problem of a thin plot making the run time feel endless.

The plot here is a bit flimsy, but it’s enough to keep the hour interesting, and there are enough melodramatic twists and turns to entertain. And the emphasis on the friendship between Emily and Jolene may have been predictable to a fault, but it was a refreshing take on the song’s story. It’s a little aggravating to see Jolene feeling sorry for herself because she’s too attractive and charming, but this episode does touch on some of the truths behind female competition and the highs and lows of friendships between women.

What elevates this is the production values–the show looks and sounds good, and the cast works well with the material they have. Above all, the sassy presence of Dolly makes the first episode a good time, even if the story itself isn’t particularly memorable.

Did my blog wife give in to this one’s Southern charm or chase it out of town? Find out in her review here!

Slay Belles, or: You Can’t Take the Christmas out of Santa

Where would we be without passion projects? Certainly, I’ve wasted a healthy share of my life watching awful B films that have clearly been scraped together by a few dedicated souls. On the other hand, these are the films I remember as they’re so strange, so unpolished, and perhaps tacky, that they fall outside of the norm and make their own special statement. This couldn’t be more true for this week’s pick; there’s a lot I would change about this film, but I’m sure it will be difficult to forget.

The Film:

Slay Belles

The Premise:

Off to explore an abandoned theme park for their livestream, a group of friends is caught up an ancient battle between Santa Claus and Krampus.

The Ramble:

Just before midnight on Christmas Eve, Santa and three women have seemingly tied up and threatened a police officer. Why in the world would Santa commit such an outlandish crime? Let’s rewind to 12 hours earlier.

All prepared to work her regular shift for the holidays, responsible one of her friend group Alexi is pleasantly surprised when gal pals Sadie and Dahlia have made arrangements to cover her shift. The duo of Sadie and Dahlia are minor social media stars, relying on their Adventure Girl videos to make their money. When they’re off to adventure, the two don colorful (and quite skimpy) outfits and explore abandoned buildings.

Today’s outing is to Santaland, an abandoned amusement park, and Alexi is thrilled to be along for the ride. However, the ladies certainly have their priorities in order when they stop at a grungy roadside bar. Hoping to drink in peace, the locals are less than impressed with the Christmas cheer the three women bring along. Along with the bitterly sarcastic bartender, the ladies meet police officer Sean. He warns them to be careful as they explore because of a string of deaths possibly caused by a bear. Spoiler: it’s not a bear.

Determined to enjoy their day, the ladies don their festive apparel and record their adventures. Little do they know, they are being watched on camera…and by a sasquatch-like creature. After an encounter with the creature, the group seeks shelter in a cozy cabin and attempts to convince the police dispatcher of what they saw.

Before long, an older biker appears, claiming the cabin belongs to him, aka Santa Claus. As the women believe him to be a deranged stalker, Santa has to work to prove he’s the real thing–and that the creature is none other than the Krampus.

Santa admittedly epitomizes the Baby Boomer stereotype when he tells his sad tale: Krampus, who is inextricably connected with Santa, is no longer needed to scare morality into children. Just like Krampus, Santa is no longer needed either. Santa honestly utters the line “You can take Santa out of Christmas, but you can’t take the Christmas out of Santa.” However, now that Krampus is on the loose, Santa again has a purpose. But, since the two are connected, Krampus needs to be stopped but not killed.

In order to lure out the Krampus, our leading ladies will need to behave badly, which is as cringey as you might expect. Somehow, the plan works, and Krampus is in the gang’s clutches–but, inevitably, he escapes (though not before a dramatic lightsaber-style fight with Santa). The group loops Sean into the plan rather unwillingly, though he’s quite forgiving of being tied up and held at gunpoint, all things considered.

Though armed and fully prepared to put the plan in motion, things do not go as anticipated. The sudden arrival of Mrs. Claus changes everything–but is she as ready to save Christmas as legend would have us believe?

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

Spoilers below

I’ve got to admit I enjoy some of the creative ideas here and their potential to create a quirky Christmas horror. The surprise reveal of Mrs. Claus is genuinely unexpected, and I instantly loved her character even though her purpose was largely to cackle madly. I connected with her intense hatred of Christmas and found myself rooting for her. And this is the only Christmas film I can think of that ends with a decapitated Santa.

On the other hand, it’s impossible to ignore how incredibly low-budget this film looks and feels, as well as the truly horrendous acting and dialogue. The soundtrack is unforgivable too, featuring a bunch of obnoxiously loud, shitty dubstep (even for dubstep).

I expected our leading ladies to be way more badass considering this film’s title is Slay Belles. For most of the film, they exist to demonstrate the absurdity of social media stardom. Sadie gets especially tiresome as she giggles incessantly about being naughty and waits for her shitty boyfriend to message her back.

Also, there are so many scenes featuring the incompetent police force and dismissive dispatcher; though ostensibly comic relief, these scenes get old so very fast.

But credit where credit’s due: the filmmakers clearly had fun with this and were willing to take their wild ideas and run with them.

Would belle of the ball Christa pause for a selfie with this one or chase it off with a bat? Read her review here to find out!

Rare Exports, or: Dick the Balls, er, Deck the Halls

We started December on the blog truly expecting we could make it through an entire month of Christmas cheer. I made it perhaps 20 minutes into our first cringingly upbeat film before promptly changing my mind, and I can report similar stats for Christa–and she even shares a significant number of letters in her name with the holiday!

If you can’t escape your true nature, embrace it. Is probably something a Batman villain has said, but it holds up! We’re delighted to celebrate Christmas the Blog Collab way with bloodshed, sinister happenings, and horrible American billionaires. Wait, aren’t we trying to escape reality?

The Film:

Rare Exports

The Premise:

After an American drilling operation disrupts the way of life in a small Finnish town, a young boy tries to prove the evil version of Santa is on the loose.

The Ramble:

In a remote part of Finland, a mysterious American drilling operation has struck gold. Metaphorically, at least–what they’ve really found is a 65-foot-thick layer of sawdust. What’s so great about that, you ask? The sawdust seems to be evidence of a massive icebox for a sacred treasure, apparently with a time limit. Things kick into gear as the crew works to reveal the treasure before December 24th.

Spying on the worksite are youngsters Pietari and Juuso, who put two and two together rather quickly. Juuso is already rather cynical, but Pietari is quite concerned that Santa may be dead. Pietari takes a familiar course of action to anyone determined to win an argument: he researches the hell out of Santa. However, he doesn’t like the information he finds, learning that, according to many legends, Santa is less jolly and more bloodthirsty than he’s been lead to believe.

Meanwhile, Pietari’s rugged mountain man father, Rauno, is gearing up for a reindeer hunt. He makes a living butchering and selling reindeer meat, and Pietari avoids the shed where the gory work is done by all means necessary. Rauno is a tough but tender dad who makes Christmas a low-key event but is fiercely committed to keeping his son safe–especially as Pietari seems oblivious to the dangers of wolves and other unseen forces lurking in the woods.

After the reindeer hunt turns out to be a dud, Pietari blames himself. It seems something has escaped from the dig site and slaughtered all of the reindeer. The adults blame wolves, but Pietari worries he and Juuso unleashed something sinister when they cut a hole in the fence to sneak into the site.

Fired up and demanding answers, the group heads to the operation’s HQ, only to find the area abandoned. As it turns out, the dig has been abandoned as it’s horribly backfired–whatever mystery is buried in the ice has a heartbeat and malicious intentions.

Shortly after, Rauno’s business partner finds a naked old man dead in an illegal wolf pit the two dug. The two leave the old man lying in the butcher shed as they determine what to do with him. Before they’ve made a decision, the old man begins to come back to life.

Around the same time, the children of the small Finnish town sense they are being watched. Oddly specific things go missing: radiators, potato sacks (but not the potatoes), and the old hairdryer that once belonged to Pietari’s deceased mother. Finally, all of the children except for Pietari disappear.

When the old man wakes up properly, he’s a bit–make that extremely–aggressive. Suspecting he’s related to the drilling operation and its consequences, Rauno and his friends (including Juuso’s dad) interrogate the old man. Though they learn nothing, they realize he may be Santa Claus. Sensing an opportunity, they offer to sell him to the Americans because that would be something Americans would buy, honestly.

The, uh, “American” with a rather pronounced Finnish accent leading the whole operation is absolutely ecstatic. He’s all too keen to meet the real Santa for reasons I’m not super clear on.

When the two parties meet to make their trade, things don’t go as planned as the men realize their Santa isn’t the real thing. The real Santa is apparently much more sinister. Throw into the mix dozens of naked bearded men, and it’s likely to be an emotionally damaging evening, rather than the nice lumberjack convention this could’ve so easily been.

Will Pietari come up with a clever plan, saving the day while also managing to prove he can be a rugged mountain man when the situation calls for it?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I have to give this film credit for imagination; the title refers to the rare export of Santas from Finland, which the entire film leads up to (spoiler/not really a spoiler?). There are many twists and turns along the way, and the film doesn’t often go in the direction I’d expect. And the cinematography is stunning; all of those dramatic, snowy mountains.

However, I find this film falls just shy of its potential–in part because of how surprisingly…wholesome it is? True, this is the only Christmas film I can think of featuring full-frontal male nudity. And, like, a lot of full-frontal male nudity. But I was expecting horror, and we didn’t get a lot on this front. We didn’t even get to see the real Santa except as a chunk of ice with horns, and I would’ve at least liked a glimpse! The beginning of the film is quite creepy, but the last half or so is almost as sickly sweet as some of the Hallmark-style Christmas movies we’ve watched this month. The emphasis is on Pietari gaining confidence, saving the day, becoming a man, etc. And let’s talk about that, shall we?

There are some super uncomfortable messages about masculinity here. One–Pietari is maybe 10 or so? And yet there’s a lot of focus on him huntin’/shootin’/fishin’ to prove how manly he is. As a character, he was adorable and I never wanted him to grow up. Maybe just let a child be a child? And the men make a rather clumsy attempt to interrogate the old man, which just comes across as mean-spirited even if he is an evil Santa. I also can’t remember any women in this film at all, which is…problematic, to say the least. The idea of a rugged manly community feels like the ultimate ideal in this movie, rather than an unsustainable way of life destined to doom your chances of survival pretty damn fast.

I admit there are definitely parts of this film I’ve taken too seriously, as it’s very darkly funny. But my brain cannot get around the fact that the Finnish dude bros in this film are supposed to have successfully started a business built around selling people. It’s unclear to me if this is something to be frowned upon; the characters involved are all depicted in a pretty positive light. Even if you take this exclusively from the horror movie angle, you should not be selling an ancient evil for profit! It will come back! Period.

Would my festive blog wife give this one a Santa suit to cover itself or send it back to the pit it came from? Find out in her review here!