The Mad Women’s Ball, or: Les Misérables

I love a period drama that makes me feel transported to a different world. Unfortunately, the feeling that history keeps repeating itself creeps its way into one of my favorite film genres. IDK if there are too many people who feel great about the progress we’ve made (or lack thereof) when it comes to justice. Just in case you’re one of those people, I’d be willing to bet this week’s film could cure you of your optimism.

The Film:

The Mad Women’s Ball

Director:

Mélanie Laurent

The Premise:

After being involuntarily committed to an asylum, a woman in 19th century France who sees ghosts plans her escape.

The Ramble:

Eugénie is a smart, outspoken young woman from a well-to-do family in 19th century France. Totally the kind of person who does well flouting expectations in a period setting. Hmmmmmmm…

Unknown to most of the family, Eugénie is particularly unconventional as she communes with spirits. The only member of the family who cares for her is brother Théophile, hiding a secret of his own: he has a male lover. Luckily, no one else in the family has witnessed Eugénie’s ghostly visitations, which cause symptoms similar to a panic attack.

When Eugénie locates a piece of jewelry missing for years, her grandmother inwardly raises a suspicious brow. Eugénie explains that her long-dead grandfather told her where to find the item. Eyebrow raised to the ceiling. Shortly after, Eugénie goes for a carriage ride with her father and brother, with a final stop at the psychiatric hospital.

The institution where Eugénie is essentially imprisoned isn’t going to do much to radically alter your views on the treatment of mental illness in the 1800s. Neighbor Louise is friendly and a favorite patient for Dr. Charcot (a real historical figure) to parade about in order to demonstrate his genius. Eugénie makes no friends when she questions Dr. Charcot’s wisdom and resists the horrific treatments he prescribes: freezing baths, bloodletting, extended periods of isolation.

Things start to look up for Eugénie when she connects with aloof nurse Geneviève, delivering a message from beyond the grave. Increasingly convinced that Eugénie really does communicate with the dead, Geneviève agrees she will help the young woman escape in exchange for a conversation with her sister.

Just like a high school movie, any and everything important will happen at the big dance. This one is significantly less fun than even Carrie’s version of the prom, however.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Oooof, this one did not come to play. Most of the characters are horribly tortured in the name of science, and there’s practically no hope for any of them. Meanwhile, the men in the film physically and sexually abuse their patients as they congratulate themselves on what a great job they’re doing. It’s really tough to watch as things aren’t going to get better, and the despair seems to echo well into the present.

In addition to being bleak AF, the film makes it difficult to root for anyone. Eugénie is pretty fucking quick to forget her friends, including Louise, who is literally being assaulted as Eugénie escapes. I recognize there’s a limit to what she can do to help the other women institutionalized, but it’s disappointing just the same that Eugénie doesn’t try. Also true for Geneviève, who doesn’t try to help anyone except Eugénie. What’s more is their relationship is rather transactional, as Geneviève only agrees to help in order to reconnect with her deceased sister.

The message was definitely given much more thought than the plot, as there are a lot of story threads that feel unconnected and not strictly relevant. There are quite a few more scenes depicting Eugénie and Geneviève’s home lives than are needed, honestly. For a film that’s called The Mad Women’s Ball, there’s very little focus on the event itself. And I am highly dissatisfied with the amount of ghost content in this film; i.e., very little.

I will say that, as with almost any period drama, I cannot help but appreciate the costumes and scenery (I mean, during non-asylum scenes anyway). I do find the performances believable too. But mostly this is très bleak.

Would my blog wife help bust this one out or lock it away in darkness forever? Find out in her review!

Irreplaceable You, or: Christopher Bird Watchin’

What do you do with a terminal cancer diagnosis?  Get angry, despair, feel shock?  If your answer is to plan out your significant other’s romantic life without you, you may belong in this week’s film.  You may also want to reevaluate your choices, but hey–do what you want.

The Film:

Irreplaceable You

The Premise:

A young woman with a rare form of cancer decides to find a partner to care for her fiancé after her death.

The Ramble:

Pulling no punches, narrator Abbie immediately tells us she is no more; she has ceased to be; she has passed on; she is dead.  Sadly, Abbie was only in her 30s when she passed away.  Though she seems to be at peace, she worries about the future of her fiancé, Sam.

I am obsessed with Abbie’s button dress.

After growing up together, Abbie and Sam are finally ready to tie the knot when it seems that Abbie is pregnant.  However, the gods are such fucking assholes, and it turns out the growth in Abbie’s stomach is a malignant tumor.  The wedding plans are decidedly off, though initially the two try to carry on as usual.  Sam continues to teach in his role as a TA, while Abbie keeps working as something or other to do with children’s publishing?

Abbie does join a support group that crochets together, where she meets Christopher Walken, Kate McKinnon, and Steve Coogan.  I thought Kate and Steve were completely wasted here, as 90% of what they do is sit around in a circle and crochet.  Tami Sagher plays one of the supporting characters in the group, and I think she has much funnier lines here (though Kate does have a good one about Catholic yoga).

If it works for Kate, it’s good enough for me.

The dynamic between Abbie and Christopher Walken (Myron) is great as the two bond immediately, discussing life, rare birds, and ugly vests.  Myron tries to help Abbie accept things as they are and spend more time focusing on the present–advice that is largely ignored.

Birding or filming a low budget version of Rear Window?

While Abbie undergoes treatment, she doesn’t seem to be getting any better.  She begins to worry about what will happen to Sam when she’s no longer around to help him.  Will he be able to take care of himself?  Will he go through a “slut phase” as Christopher Walken predicts?  To ease her fears, Abbie begins scoping out women for Sam to date after she dies.  This is both incredibly morbid and cringingly anti-feminist as Abbie judgmentally dismisses cat ladies, sluts, and general weirdos.

Just when Abbie is ready to give up, she meets a waitress who really clicks with Sam.  However, Abbie isn’t as up for all of this as she thought she was and realizes getting what she wants may be the worst possible outcome.  After Sam finds out about Abbie’s plan, he’s upset about her scheming and attempts to control his life.  Will the couple make up before it’s too late?

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

My biggest problem with this one is the uneven tone–I never totally understood if this was supposed to be funny or tragic because it fell flat on both counts.  There was a moment between Abbie and her sassy nurse that felt genuine, but many of the other emotional moments felt empty to me.  It’s also confusing to see so many comedians in roles that aren’t that funny, though Christopher Walken is great, of course.  Gugu Mbatha-Raw as Abbie does well despite lack of interesting material–both leads are pretty bland.  Abbie is a bit of a nightmarish type A stereotype, while Sam is so devoid of personality he’s practically a blank canvas for Abbie.

There were a couple of other issues that occurred to me throughout the film.  For one, how are Abbie and Sam not concerned about money?  They seem to be existing on a TA’s income, paying for expensive treatments, and (spoiler) later planning a wedding.  The other thing that really bothered me was Abbie’s narration as a…ghost?  This is never explained, and Abbie does admit she’s having trouble leaving Sam behind, but this isn’t necessarily the focus of the film.  This part of the story feels like an aside and gives us a rather unsatisfying ending.

That being said, Abbie and Sam’s apartment is fucking perfect and what my filthy hipster dreams are made of.

Drooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool.

Would my blog wife find a partner for this one or let it die alone (too soon)?  Read her review here to find out!

Under the Shadow, or: Djinn and Tonic (Sorry)

It’s October, our favorite month on the blog!  Besides all of the other months.  October is always like coming full circle to our first collaborative posts on Ginger Snaps.  Never fear–there will be plenty of questionable special effects and metaphors for puberty later this month.  First, we’re kicking things off with a more sinister horror that dials up the suspense.

The Film:

Under the Shadow

The Premise:

A woman in 1980s Tehran suspects the Iran-Iraq War isn’t the only thing to fear when creepy things start happening in her apartment.

The Ramble:

After failing to gain re-acceptance into med school, Shideh finds it difficult to contain her resentment of her family–husband Iraj and daughter Dorsa.  Because of her politics during the 1979 Revolution, Shideh is essentially blacklisted from the university.  Most discouraging of all is her mother’s recent death, which has given Shideh the final push to complete her studies and achieve their shared dream.

Unfortunately, it’s too late for Shideh to become a doctor, which her doctor husband is pretty ok with TBH.  The tension between the two is always simmering below the surface and boils over pretty frequently.  Sometimes Shideh finds herself snapping at her daughter too as she feels she was too quick to start a family.

All of this is happening in the ongoing Iran-Iraq War, which draws closer to Tehran every day.  It won’t be long before Iraj must serve his country at the heart of the fighting, leaving Shideh and Dorsa to worry about the threat of missiles and maybe even spirits haunting the apartment building.

The first and last time anyone in this film smiles.

Dorsa insists she can see and hear things in the apartment that she suspects are djinn.  Fun fact:  a djinn is apparently a lot different from what I thought it was.  In this film, the djinn is sort of a ghost or breeze that floats in.  Horrifyingly, Dorsa seems to be getting these stories from the creepy neighbor kid…who also happens to be mute.  Me.  Out of there.  Immediately.

If the supernatural elements weren’t stressful enough, the anxiety meter gets cranked up when missiles target Tehran, even striking the apartment building itself.  Shideh tries to save a neighbor who has a heart attack in response, but bitterly reflects she’s not really a doctor.

No pressure, but that missile could also explode at any point during CPR.

After the missile scare, many of the neighbors leave.  Shideh, however, refuses to leave–partly because the last thing she wants to do is rely on her in-laws.  This woman is made of sterner stuff than I because she experiences something trying to choke her in the night, the destruction of her beloved Jane Fonda workout tape, strange sounds, and the disappearance of Dorsa’s doll.  The last part is especially troubling as one of the neighbors (helpfully) tells Shideh she’s screwed if the djinn possesses something of hers.

Meanwhile, the air raid sirens have been sounding more and more frequently, prompting Shideh’s decision to finally leave Tehran with Dorsa.  First, they must navigate an accusation of indecency when Shideh flees during an air raid without wearing a hijab.  For fuck’s sake, men.

In times of crisis, at least we can rely on men to consistently act like assholes.

Added complication:  Shideh must find the doll before she and Dorsa can leave.  It doesn’t help that Dorsa keeps saying heart-stopping things about a lady who has the doll and says she can take care of her.

Which will Shideh and Dorsa encounter first:  the doll, the missiles, or the djinn?

The Rating:

4.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I loved this one–so damn creepy and suspenseful.  Though it’s a fairly short film, my heart was pounding through its entire run time.  Having both the threat of war and supernatural phenomena was effective in creating tension that had me genuinely concerned about our two main characters.

Speaking of our main characters, I enjoyed the realistic relationship between mother and daughter.  Shideh got frustrated with her daughter regularly and frequently seemed to fail to be patient or sympathetic.  I never had the sense that their relationship was easy (Shideh was, after all, raising a daughter by herself in the midst of war, broken dreams, and angry spirits), but it felt strong throughout and grounded the film.

Word of warning–if you have the option to watch the dubbed version, don’t do it.  Netflix defaulted to some of the worst English dubbed dialogue, and I switched over to subtitled Farsi almost immediately.  It’s much more convincing.

Would Christa tape this one back together like a broken doll or kill it with fire?  Find out by reading her review here!

Resurrección, or: No Mo’ Poe

This week takes us back in time again to another, er, true event(?).  True in the sense it was a real historical event…except with demons.

The Film:

Resurrección

The Uncondensed Version:

It’s 1871 Argentina, and the Catholic Church is strong but so is the outbreak of yellow fever, the worst in the history of Buenos Aires.  After having visions of the plague, a young priest decides it’s God’s will that he head to BA and help the sick.  But not before stabbing himself in the hands with a cross, which is pretty gross honestly.  But not as gross as it’s going to get with all of the vomiting that happens in this film.

Before going into the city, the priest makes a pit stop at the family estate, where his brother and family live (I don’t remember him ever having a name, but I also have a notoriously bad memory for character names).

What is meant to be a fond family reunion quickly devolves (don’t they always) when the priest learns his brother Edgardo is gravely ill with yellow fever, and his wife is holed up in the chapel with their daughter, Remedios.  She will neither let anyone enter or leave, though Remedios expresses her desire to leave.

U ok, bro?

When a man who is essentially a faith healer shows up, the priest insists he leave and stop taking advantage of desperate people.  The healer answers that he has the power to cure the priest’s faith problem, blah di blah, but leaves.  Maybe the family should have taken the healer up on his offer, as Edgardo is in pretty bad shape—sweating, talking nonsense, and vomiting up black blood.  Btw, I looked it up, and the black blood really was a symptom during this outbreak, and people even referred to the fever as the black vomit.  Suffice it to say it looks really fucking unpleasant.

Just before dying, Edgardo gives his brother a journal that will explain everything because of course he does.  Oh, and also takes one last stab at the conviction of his brother’s faith.

The only conclusion the priest can make is some weird shit is going on, since obviously the journal goes missing before he can read it.  He senses there is something sinister that his brother feared more than his illness and death and is determined to get to the bottom of it, but first on his to-do list is helping Remedios escape the chapel.

Despite what Pinterest suggests, you CAN have too many candles.

All of this is thrown off track, however, when the priest comes down with yellow fever too.  This means a series of trippy, surreal dream sequences that look cool but are confusing AF.

After waking up from his nightmarish sleep, the priest learns a shocking truth from Quispe, who has served the family for years:  the priest’s sister-in-law, Lucia, killed Remedios and herself overnight.  The priest refuses to believe this and is determined to find out what really happened.

It goes a bit off the rails from here on out, with Quispe going off on a tangent about how much of a dick his dad was, and then the priest’s dad was also a dick but at least he watched him die (!?!?!).  Quispe doesn’t pull any punches, telling the priest if he vomits black blood, he’ll be dead within a day.  Great?

“Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother!”

As he becomes more seriously ill, the priest finds Lucia and Remedios alive, though Quispe insists this is a delusion.  The priest finally breaks down and calls for the faith healer, abandoning his Catholic faith and putting his trust in…I don’t know, something that looks like a tiny carved bone?  You do you.

This of course isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and the priest immediately regrets his decision when the Catholic guilt returns with a vengeance.  The ending is straight out of Poe, except without the suspense, emotional punch, and the feeling of everything all clicking into place.  Just leave Poe alone, sir.

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

I really wanted to go with 3, but there’s too little going on here to merit that extra PPH.  Guess how much fun it is to watch a feverish Argentine priest stumble around for an hour and a half with complete conviction that what he’s doing is important and makes sense.

There is virtually no suspense as it’s impossible to care about the characters and their motives.  I still don’t understand why the priest cared so much about Remedios.  Ok, she was his niece, but you’re going to have to do better than that to tell a good story.  This goes against everything I’ve ever said about movies, but you know what this could have used more of?  Some goddamn flashbacks to establish the fucking character relationships.  Without that anchor, this film is emotionally empty.

Based on the trailer, this looked like a shitty version of Guillermo del Toro…which is pretty accurate, honestly.  The del Toro tribute just feels like a rip-off, though, from the Gothic vibe to the haunting narration at the end (which is almost a paraphrase of the conclusion of Devil’s Backbone, but just falls flat here).

Every time someone tells me they’ve never seen Devil’s Backbone, I lose 6 months of my life, so do us both a favor and watch that instead.

Did Christa put her faith in this one or remain a critical skeptic?  Read her review here to find out!

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House, or: I Left and Entered This World Covered in Blood

Appropriately, we’re wrapping up more-or-less sophisticated scary month on Halloween with an extremely atmospheric haunted house story.  The title is truly excellent and the actress from my favorite adaptation of Jane Eyre stars.  Sometimes I feel the filmmakers have bugged my brain.

The Film:

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House

The Uncondensed Version:

Beginning with a suitably creepy narration, this film is atmospheric AF—no one really owns a house where a death happened; they’re just borrowing it from its ghosts.

Lilly is a nurse who tells us she is 28 but will never be 29.  She is a hospice nurse working for a new patient, Iris Blum.  Blum is a writer of classic horror novels in the style of Shirley Jackson.  Lilly has never read any of these, finding even a few pages much too scary for her tastes.

I have nothing to add except this shot is beautiful and I would live in this house, ghost or no.

It’s honestly kind of a miracle Lilly has made it to 28 as a functioning adult as she seems to be afraid of virtually everything.  She’s really creeped out spending the first night alone with Ms. Blum and calls a friend for comfort.  I’m not sure when this is set, but the tv has an antenna, and the only phone option is a landline, which rather ominously flies out of her hand while she’s speaking.  There are also some mysterious thumps coming from upstairs.

When Ms. Blum wakes up in the middle of the night, Lilly puts her back to bed.  Confused, Ms. Blum refers to her as Polly, which Lilly shrugs off…until it happens again and again.  Who the actual fuck is Polly? she wonders, but probably with nicer, Midwestern language.

Poker faces.

Lilly doesn’t expect Ms. Blum to live for long, but 11 months later, she’s still going strong.  The estate agent checks in to make sure all is well, and Lilly asks if the wall that has mysteriously sprouted mold could be fixed.  He’s not sure the estate will approve the expense, but he does helpfully explain the mystery of Polly, a character from Blum’s novel The Lady in the Walls.

The novel is notable for its lack of horrific ending—to stay true to the premise of Polly telling her story to the narrator, we never know exactly what happens to Polly.  However, it is hinted that she met a rather grisly end before staying even one night in the house with her husband in the 1800s.  Polly tells us she left the world the same way she entered it:  wearing nothing but blood (that line, man).

See also:  wearing a hat (sorry/not sorry–too much 30 Rock).

As Lilly learns more about Polly’s fate, she also begins seeing things to upset the pristine world she has created.  Dedicated to cleanliness, she almost always wears white, but marks begin to spread on her clothes and body like spots of mold.  Following the mold leads her to a box of letters that reveal a haunting truth.

Lilly does finally get a glimpse of Polly…but really wishes she hadn’t.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Atmosphere, people.  The filmmakers crush the hell out of the atmosphere on this one.  Coincidentally, I discovered the writer/director is none other than the son of Anthony Perkins, and he has the damning first name Osgood.  All coming together now, isn’t it?

But anyway, atmosphere check.  Creepiness check.  Gorgeous cinematography check.  However, what annoys me here is complete lack of explanation.  Any time it seems we’ll dive deeper into character motivations and backstories, we jump back out of the water immediately (to take the diving metaphor further than strictly necessary).  I know that’s the goddamn point of this ghost story—we are, after all, only borrowing the story.   But I still wanted to understand the characters much better than I did because I can sense they would have had fascinating backstories.

I saw a review about this film that said something about this being the most faithful adaptation of a Shirley Jackson novel without actually being based on a Shirley Jackson movie.  I could see that, especially considering Lilly’s voice as a narrator, and the masterful creation of suspense.  Very little happened, but I found myself holding my breath through most of the film.  All I know is I’m seriously ready for the film adaptation of We Have Always Lived in the Castle, ok?  Listening, Osgood Perkins?

Is Christa the Pretty Impressed Thing That Lives in the House or the Pretty Nonplussed?  Find out in her review here!

The Silenced, or: Ghost Super Soldiers

October in blogland at last!  You already know this month’s theme.  We’re into hauntings, unexplained disturbances, and creepiness in general, aka Paranormal Blogtivity (admittedly a title that needs work).

The Film:

The Silenced

The Premise:

Disappearances and creepy goings-on plague a Korean girls’ school conveniently in the middle of nowhere.

The Uncondensed Version:

Bit of background:  it’s Japanese-occupied Korea, just before the outbreak of WWII.  As it goes with empires, everyone wants to go to Japan since it can provide a better education and more opportunities for young people.  This is especially true for the girls in this film, who are competing for one of two coveted spots to go to Tokyo for school.

Shizuko is a transfer student to a school that is also a sanitorium(?) in the Korean countryside that seems to specialize in embroidery and vaulting.  Seriously, they are in a traditional classroom once in this entire movie.  Though Shizuko is very ill, she starts to get better with the help of the headmistress and some very experimental treatments.  She also makes a friend, Yeon-deok, and develops romantic feelings for her.

You know what they say about girls who know their way around embroidery cherry blossoms… (Actually, I have no idea what that even means)

Meanwhile, all kinds of creepy shit keeps happening.  There are events that seem to be tied to a ghost or some other supernatural presence—girls choking, seemingly victims of possession, and becoming very violent.  Petty high school things also happen as one girl in particular seems to have it in for Shizuko and does crazy shit like leave a dying bird in her locker and spreading rumors that she has TB.  In part, they’re uncomfortable because a girl named Shizuko disappeared before this new girl with the same name arrived.  Spooky, eh?  Sort of?

Mandatory staring at hands in horror scene.

As Shizuko recovers, she becomes inhumanely strong, which is bad news for the girls bullying her.  You’d better believe she’ll get her Carrie moment.  What kind of medical experimentation is really going on with these girls?  And what’s up with the nearby Japanese army base?  Super sketchy shit, guys.  Super.  Sketchy.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Really brief plot summary reflects my inability to follow this very easily.  The chronology is confusing as fuck, and I never quite knew what the intent of this film is.  It begins as a ghost story, but shifts rather abruptly to a story about medical experimentation.  Make up your goddamn mind—is this a ghost story?  Forbidden schoolgirl romance?  Conspiracy?  Sociopolitical commentary?  Please pick one or two themes and develop them further.

This had a lot of promise at the beginning, and there were elements that were a bit like Guillermo del Toro’s Spanish-language films.  There’s even a really beautiful but despicable character who you are just waiting to see die violently.

THE WORST.

The problem is that there’s no emotional resonance, which is a pretty terrible crime for a film that deals thematically with coming of age, first love, abuse, and the devastation of war.  I can’t say any of the characters felt especially three-dimensional or interesting.

I’m not crazy about revenge films, but this one may have been better off with that focus as the last 10 mins were so fucking badass.

Not a terrible film, but somewhat aimless and confusing.

Did Christa think this one made a miraculous discovery or would she rather it simply disappeared?  Find out by reading her review here!

Housebound, or: Punching Ectoplasm

Another round of Jillian & Christa’s Great Blog Collab!  This week is horror-comedy from New Zealand because of course it is!  Check out Christa’s review here to see what she thinks!

The Film:

Housebound

The Premise:

A woman under house arrest must live with her mother and some not-so-nice residents of the supernatural variety.

The Uncondensed Version:

Our film revolves around the rebellious and incredibly unwise Kylie, now under house arrest in her childhood home after an incident with an ATM. There were explosions.

Kylie, master of resting bitch face.

When Kylie returns home to live with her mother and stepfather for the next 8 months, she makes it clear this is her particular version of hell. Her mother, either the queen of snark or the most clueless optimist remarks on Kylie’s ankle monitor, “Aren’t you lucky having all that fancy technology on your foot?” Other people checking up on Kylie include Amos, parole officer, and Dennis, counselor.

Kylie’s mother.  That sweater.

In spite of evidence to the contrary, Kylie refuses to believe her mother’s superstition that the house is haunted. This is probably because Kylie has the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old even though she must be approaching 30. Maybe I’m just getting old, but I had way more sympathy for her mom (though I do appreciate a good eye roll). Kylie eats the entire fucking meatloaf her mother made for dinner and won’t let her watch Coronation Street in the evening. If I can deal with NCIS, you can put up with Coronation Street, Kylie.

Basically, I was really glad when something grabs Kylie in the basement, which brings both her mother and Amos to investigate. Kylie tries and fails to explain the presence she felt without admitting it could have been a ghost. When Amos hears of the supernatural possibilities, he pulls out a mini recorder and asks the spirit about its business here. Though he gets no response, he decides to set up some equipment to monitor any paranormal activity.

All I want to do now is watch Ghost Hunters.

Kylie is still super sarcastic about the whole situation, saying she would punch a ghost in the face if it bothered her. Amos responds “You can’t punch ectoplasm.” A possessed teddy bear quickly convinces Kylie to change her tune.

As it turns out, the house was not a cozy bed and breakfast as Kylie’s mother claimed, but rather a home for the criminally insane. Kylie suspects the ghost is that of a girl stabbed to death in her room with a meat fork. When she tries to explain her theory, no one believes her, and her counselor ends up in the hospital after suffering a ghost attack (I feel there must be some better ghost hunter-y terminology for that, but it’s not coming to me). Prime suspect in attack: Kylie.

Now it’s imperative for Kylie to find out who and why the girl was murdered. Could the crazy neighbor who seems to collect roadkill be responsible? After a really gross attempt to steal his dental plate, Kylie and Amos learn about a kid named Eugene who stayed with him briefly. Eugene liked taking things apart and putting them back together…including animals! A year after he disappeared, the girl was dead.

Oh, also, Kylie’s stepdad is attacked and hospitalized. Then a crazy-looking bearded guy who is apparently living in the walls of the house attacks Kylie herself. Once again, Kylie tries to explain her theory, and no one believes her. In fact, the counselor suggests she needs to be medicated and institutionalized.

Crazy wall-inhabiting dude, just for fun.

Suspicion shifts to the counselor, who, as it turns out, worked at the house while the girl was institutionalized there. She, in fact, attacked and beat the shit out of him, causing him endless shame. Or at least enough shame for him to MURDER HER.

Kylie discovers all of this while her mother distracts the counselor/gossips him to death.

“You look pretty nervous…”

All of this leads to an intense action-packed sequence involving a knife, a toy xylophone, and a laundry hamper. Also an attempt to use hairspray and a lighter as a weapon.

Okay, I tried to explain the rest of the movie in a way that doesn’t completely ruin everything, but I was becoming so vague that I’d better just stop.

SOMEONE DIES. THE END.

And we get this memorable line from the evil counselor: “You have no idea what it’s like to try to help someone when all they want to do is throw it back in your face!”

YES, I FUCKING DO, SIR. I WORK WITH THE PUBLIC.

The Critique:

In retrospect, the plot was basically Brave but with more ghosts and fewer bears.

This film is a New Zealand production, so there are some delightful accents. I recommend watching based on that alone.

In addition, the humor is actually pretty great, and I especially loved everything Kylie’s mom said.

My only complaint is I wish the movie had been a little creepier.

The Rating:

 4/5 Pink Panther Heads

I think I would almost say 3.75/5 b/c I enjoyed it slightly less than Grabbers and Ginger Snaps, but I’m possibly the only one here who cares about .25 of a Pink Panther head.

Read Christa’s review here!