Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews, Uncategorized

Ghost Shark, or: Goin’ Fishin’

It’s the last week of Shark Month on the blog, and I’m both sad and relieved.  No one is meant to endure as many consecutive shark movies as Christa and I have this month.

The Film:

Ghost Shark

Where to Watch:

This one is actually somewhat difficult to find!  I can’t find evidence of it ever getting a US release on DVD.

The Premise:

The titular ghost shark materializes along the beach of a coastal town.  It’s a good thing sharks are confined to the ocean…right?

The Uncondensed Version:

You know how you can plan a trip down to the last detail, but at a certain point you are inevitably going to get tired of your playlist/audiobook/video selections?  And from there you will just go off in a completely different direction that won’t be fun no matter how hard you try?

Yes.  This movie.

Like almost every other shark movie this month, we can thank an incredibly insensitive fishing crew for unleashing the shark’s wrath upon humanity.

Two crew members, angry at having lost a contest, use guns, crossbows, and finally a grenade to kill a great white shark.  Just because they’re angry?!!?!  These people have to be rage addicts because that is not a reasonable reaction to being angry.  Definitely on the shark’s side in all of this.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand who are the shark’s next victims?  Teens partying on the beach, of course.  And the old voyeuristic lighthouse keeper who watches them.

One of the first people to go is the girl playing the role of stereotypical teen bitch, aka the one floating on an inflatable pool raft in the OCEAN.  Is that a thing people do???  Ghost shark seems to favor jumping out of nowhere and biting people in half.

Surely there are safety concerns, regardless of whether a ghost shark is haunting the waters.

Don’t worry—the police are on this, trying to explain the translucent shark as being a trick of sunlight reflecting on it(?).  As the crazy old lighthouse keeper warns, the shark has been sent to make everyone pay for their sins.

Priorities, though:  one of our main teens is nervous that now no one will come to his pool party.  Inevitably, this is not the case, and the pool is so full of teenagers that you know (even before learning some of the screwy rules of being a ghost shark) that a certain trick of the light phantom with many teeth will crash the party.

This actually looks rather well thought-out for being a teen pool party.

Other highly improbable victims of the ghost shark:  a plumber working on the pipes under a kitchen sink, a child on a shark slip ‘n slide, and a teen girl at a car wash.  Yeah.

The teens decide to team up with the old lighthouse keeper for reasons that make increasingly less sense until…

Halfway through this movie it’s revealed that there’s all of this mythology surrounding the shark.  Like basically Roanoke happened but with a ghost shark.  And of course exorcising the shark requires some kind of dark magic-type book which has conveniently disappeared.

The law also gets involved, uttering classics like “Get your gear.  Goin’ fishin’,” and “I don’t want revenge; I want justice.”  FROM A FUCKING GHOST SHARK.  What does it even mean to get justice where a shark is concerned???  That’s a concept a shark just isn’t going to get.

Honorary Emmy for overacting goes to the lighthouse keeper, who just really commits to repeatedly losing his shit throughout the course of this film.

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

In contrast to the previous shark month selection, this is pretty bloody.  Which is perhaps the only shark movie box this one manages to check.

I got bored with this because the plot was so choppy, I didn’t care about any of the characters, and there was absolutely no logic to the existence or attacks of the ghost shark.  The shark was a ghost but required water to materialize?  But not a large body of water since even setting off sprinklers could allow it to begin a murderous rampage…  And what even created the ghost shark—nature’s thirst for vengeance?

I have so many questions that are destined to remain unanswered.

On a side note, the way this movie was shot makes it seem like it’s going to become a porno at any moment.  Just me?

Bonus:  Check out this Vulture article, which also features much higher quality screen caps than this post.  What can I say, the copy I found wasn’t the greatest quality ever.

You already know where to find another great review of this Shark Month feature.  Would Christa exorcise this one or take it to the car wash?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Shark Month: Sharknado

Shark Month continues with a modern classic!  Christa’s pick, so we can finally cross this off the bad movie bucket list.

The Film:


Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

Words fail me.

The Uncondensed Version:

Right off the bat there’s a surprisingly strong environmental message…?  The sharknado seems to be an almost direct response to a sea captain bragging about killing 20,000 sharks to sell and boastfully declaring, “Sharks should be afraid of us.”  (And I’m pretty sure most of them are.)  Oh, and global warming.  Also global warming.

Since this is a shark attack movie, we see what befalls the first victims of the sharknado, followed immediately by California beach party scenes.

Our main protagonist, Fin, is a surfer dude who also owns a bar/restaurant.  It seems Bikini, whose actual character name (Nova) I had to Google, actually does most of the bartending while he gets his surf on.  Btw, Nova also has a gigantic leg scar, but she doesn’t like to talk about it.  Dramatic foreshadowing:  she also doesn’t like to talk about sharks.


So anyway, Fin is out doing his surfer thing when the sharknado rolls in.  It’s a hurricane made of sharks in case that isn’t clear.  Comprised of the exact same clip showed on a loop at repeated intervals throughout this film.

Fin is a bit of sleaze and apparently is irresistible to all women, including Nova as well as this random surfer lady.  After failing to save the surfer, Fin turns to his friend Tasmania, whose actual character name I can’t be bothered to Google.  He’s from Tasmania.  I never said I give particularly creative nicknames.

When the hurricane/sharknado begins in earnest, Fin closes the bar.  But it’s too late and, exactly like that scene in the diner from The Birds, the sharks begin attacking the building.


Between the hurricane and the sharks, Santa Monica is decimated.  Even the Ferris wheel.  Points lost for not using Savage Garden’s “Santa Monica” anywhere in this movie, which got stuck in my head every time someone said Santa Monica.

Fin, Nova, Tasmania, and Bar Creep who is one of the most loyal regulars all manage to survive.  Their plan?  To find Fin’s ex-wife, Tara Reid, and their daughter to make sure the family is safe.

What have I done with my life?

But our team will have to contend with flooding, sharks on the streets, sharks in houses, sharks on cars…you can see how the novelty of sharks being in bizarre places where they could never survive in real life wears off pretty quickly.

That will either appeal to you or it won’t.  Suffice it to say the brilliant plan our crew comes up with is dropping a bomb in the sharknado.

Yes.  I just typed that sentence.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I just don’t get why there are 3 of these (soon to be 4).  The characters are all painfully irritating, and it doesn’t matter to me at all when any of them die (or even make a surprise comeback).  We don’t even get a crusty sea captain stereotype and, as far as I’m concerned, there’s no point in even having a shark movie without one.  They try to add some character depth to Fin, struggling to be present in his children’s lives, and Nova, overcoming the trauma of her shark attack, but it all falls so flat.

The majority of those 3 stars are for the name, which is on par with Raiders of the Lost Shark (truly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Worse than Monkey’s Paw in terms of production values).

At this point I know I’m just nitpicking, but it’s unclear to me what exactly the sharknado is and why it happened.  Was the hurricane part of the sharknado?  Did it CAUSE the sharknado?  Should I stop searching for logic in this film???  (But also, how would the sharks survive for that long in a tornado??!?!)

Weirdly, 12 Days of Terror was way better.  Again, I need to be more consistent with my ratings because I gave this the same rating as Sabrina, Down Under, which isn’t fair to Sabrina.

Would Christa drop a bomb on the swirling bloody mess that was this movie or become one with the sharknado?  Find out here!