Shark Month continues with a modern classic! Christa’s pick, so we can finally cross this off the bad movie bucket list.
The Film:
Sharknado
The Premise:
Words fail me.
The Uncondensed Version:
Right off the bat there’s a surprisingly strong environmental message…? The sharknado seems to be an almost direct response to a sea captain bragging about killing 20,000 sharks to sell and boastfully declaring, “Sharks should be afraid of us.” (And I’m pretty sure most of them are.) Oh, and global warming. Also global warming.
Since this is a shark attack movie, we see what befalls the first victims of the sharknado, followed immediately by California beach party scenes.
Our main protagonist, Fin, is a surfer dude who also owns a bar/restaurant. It seems Bikini, whose actual character name (Nova) I had to Google, actually does most of the bartending while he gets his surf on. Btw, Nova also has a gigantic leg scar, but she doesn’t like to talk about it. Dramatic foreshadowing: she also doesn’t like to talk about sharks.
So anyway, Fin is out doing his surfer thing when the sharknado rolls in. It’s a hurricane made of sharks in case that isn’t clear. Comprised of the exact same clip showed on a loop at repeated intervals throughout this film.
Fin is a bit of sleaze and apparently is irresistible to all women, including Nova as well as this random surfer lady. After failing to save the surfer, Fin turns to his friend Tasmania, whose actual character name I can’t be bothered to Google. He’s from Tasmania. I never said I give particularly creative nicknames.
When the hurricane/sharknado begins in earnest, Fin closes the bar. But it’s too late and, exactly like that scene in the diner from The Birds, the sharks begin attacking the building.
Between the hurricane and the sharks, Santa Monica is decimated. Even the Ferris wheel. Points lost for not using Savage Garden’s “Santa Monica” anywhere in this movie, which got stuck in my head every time someone said Santa Monica.
Fin, Nova, Tasmania, and Bar Creep who is one of the most loyal regulars all manage to survive. Their plan? To find Fin’s ex-wife, Tara Reid, and their daughter to make sure the family is safe.
But our team will have to contend with flooding, sharks on the streets, sharks in houses, sharks on cars…you can see how the novelty of sharks being in bizarre places where they could never survive in real life wears off pretty quickly.
That will either appeal to you or it won’t. Suffice it to say the brilliant plan our crew comes up with is dropping a bomb in the sharknado.
Yes. I just typed that sentence.
The Rating:
3/5 Pink Panther Heads
I just don’t get why there are 3 of these (soon to be 4). The characters are all painfully irritating, and it doesn’t matter to me at all when any of them die (or even make a surprise comeback). We don’t even get a crusty sea captain stereotype and, as far as I’m concerned, there’s no point in even having a shark movie without one. They try to add some character depth to Fin, struggling to be present in his children’s lives, and Nova, overcoming the trauma of her shark attack, but it all falls so flat.
The majority of those 3 stars are for the name, which is on par with Raiders of the Lost Shark (truly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. Worse than Monkey’s Paw in terms of production values).
At this point I know I’m just nitpicking, but it’s unclear to me what exactly the sharknado is and why it happened. Was the hurricane part of the sharknado? Did it CAUSE the sharknado? Should I stop searching for logic in this film??? (But also, how would the sharks survive for that long in a tornado??!?!)
Weirdly, 12 Days of Terror was way better. Again, I need to be more consistent with my ratings because I gave this the same rating as Sabrina, Down Under, which isn’t fair to Sabrina.
The Pink Panther Snipes Again 