Bright, or: Just the Two of Orcs

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Christmas programming for what is the greatest Christmas gift of all on the blog:  a terrible Netflix original movie about cops, orcs, prophecies, and CGI creatures completely real mythical beings.

The Film:

Bright

The Premise:

Two members of the LAPD–one orc, one Will Smith–team up to prevent the prophesied return of the generic medieval fantasy-type dark wizard.

The Ramble:

Like any fantasy worth its weight in …unicorn dust(?), this one begins with a vague prophecy that attempts to be intriguing but is really just minorly irritating.  I can’t even remember what it is at this point.  Magic, magic, Dark Lord, orcs, you’re a wizard Harry.  Something along those lines.  Surely these words won’t affect our unsuspecting protagonists in modern day Los Angeles.

Note that modern day Los Angeles is a place where humans coexist with all manner of fantasy creatures:  orcs, elves, centaurs, fairies, dragons, and the like.  As one would expect, there’s an established hierarchy, with orcs as essentially the lowest of the low.  Elves, on the other hand, are akin to the 1% and even have their own district with way nicer cars and cleaner streets.  Humans seem to fall somewhere in the middle of all this.

This includes Will Smith, an officer with the LAPD.  After dramatically being shot by an orc, Will (aka Daryl Ward) is returning for his first day of work in months.  His partner Nick Jakoby is the only orc on the force, and as such is under constant suspicion by the other cops.  The situation for Nick hasn’t improved since an orc shot his partner and then escaped.

BTW, Margaret Cho is in this.

Though Ward tries to keep things professional, he obviously holds a grudge towards Nick, constantly shutting down his partner and trying to undermine him.  Not cool.  When Internal Affairs gets involved with the investigation of Ward’s shooting, he’s ready to be rid of his partner but would rather do so without any shady schemes.  The Internal Affairs reps persuade him to record his conversations with Nick and draw a career ending confession from him.

Meanwhile, Ward and Nick respond to a disturbance downtown in which a crazy guy with a sword is saying shit about the prophecy and making threats.  After they take him into custody, he tells Nick the Dark Lord is returning to claim orc hearts.  This guy is later interrogated by an elf and humans that are part of the FBI for magic.

You shall not…park here!

It may also interest you or at least be relevant for you to know that 3 wands are needed to resurrect the Dark Lord.  The catch is that only a bright can wield a wand without dying painfully.  Most brights are elves, but it is possible for a human to be a bright.  Any human, you say?  Even a cynical policeman whose life thus far has shown no indication of any magical tendencies?

Our story doesn’t go along too much further before Ward and Nick encounter a bright with a wand, an elf named Tikka.  Since the wand comes with so much power and is so valuable, the cops decide to kill Nick and take the wand for themselves.  They pressure Ward to go along with this plan, but of course he ends up being just too honorable.

Collateral Blue-ty?  That’s the one Will Smith movie pun I’ve got for this post.

Just when Ward and Nick escape the corrupt cops, they encounter members of a gang who make their intentions clear with incredibly painful street talk.  Ah-eh-eh-em:  “Word on the street, there’s a wand in this ‘hood” and “The wand belongs to the barrio” are 2 shining examples.

Basically, the point here is that everyone wants the wand.  Ward, Nick, and Tikka must dodge all of their rivals and prevent their worst enemy from rising in the form of the Dark Lord.

This, of course, leads to a showdown between our 3 heroes and the evil group of elves who want to bring the Dark Lord back to wreak havoc, destruction, etc on the world.  Who will emerge triumphant?

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

Though it promises a genre-bending thrill ride, this one is sadly forgettable.  Most of the plot feels like a carbon copy of all other police dramas, and it’s too reluctant to fully embrace its weirdness.  The fantasy elements seem tacked on unnecessarily rather than fresh or fun.  That’s one of the biggest disappointments of this film–for such an off-the-wall premise, there’s a distinct lack of fun here.

The social commentary about racism tries really hard, but it doesn’t feel particularly noteworthy, nor half as clever as it thinks it is.  In fact, some of the especially cringeworthy gang stereotypes undermine that message.  I want to give this film props for trying, but it gets a lot wrong and handles things too clumsily for it to succeed.

Additionally, the characters and character relationships fall flat.  I think(?) Ward is supposed to be the grizzled old timer and Nick the wide-eyed rookie cop, but both feel bland and tired.  I guess they’re so boring they deserve each other, but at the same time I didn’t get a sense of a genuine connection between the two.  There’s never a time when the relationship between Ward and Nick shifts, even after facing countless near death experiences together.  Beyond that, the minor characters are pretty uninteresting too, and Ward’s wife and daughter are basically props.

There’s nothing to mark this as a blight to film making; on the other hand, there’s nothing much to remember about this one at all.

Would Christa raise this one from the dead as prophesied or push it down a bottomless pit?  Find out in her review here!

Red Christmas, or: Family Is a Blessing

Let the month of Christmas horror continue!  But maybe not with this film unless you’re up for…a rather confusing mixed bag.

The Film:

Red Christmas

The Premise:

A family’s Christmas together is cut short when a stranger appears on their doorstep with a mysterious letter…and an axe (naturally).

The Ramble:

From the get-go, our story is framed by the abortion debate as protesters clash outside of an abortion clinic.  An aborted fetus raises a bloody hand, alive…?  And, to the shock of no one, a key player in the events that unfold 20 years later.

The chaos of Christmas at home takes center stage now, as Diane gathers together her family for the doomed “best Christmas ever.”  This will be the last year in the family home in the Australian countryside, as Diane is selling the home in favor of a jaunt to Europe.  After her husband’s death from cancer, Diane has decided to do something for herself.  Diane’s children have differing opinions about this decision, which will become clear.

It’s all fun and games until…actually, it’s never fun and games.

The grown children at home for the holidays include an adopted daughter heading off to college soon, the token party girl (who is very pregnant), the uptight conservative Christian daughter, and Jerry, the only one of her children whose name I can remember.  Jerry, who has Down’s syndrome, will move to assisted living after the house is sold and seems pretty ok with this.  Also in town is Diane’s brother Joe, playing the role of the drunk uncle, and the spouses of the two oldest daughters.

Diane decides to put some of her money towards fertility treatments for the conservative daughter, who refuses.  Though she’d like to have a child, she believes God will help in that department.  Hey, if it worked for Mary I guess…

When the family all gathers, arguments inevitably arise about the house, sharing what they are most grateful for, and whether to say a prayer (good old Uncle Joe suggests a prayer to his god, medical marijuana).

The family quarrel is mercifully interrupted when a stranger dressed in a dark robe rings the doorbell.  He arrives with an envelope for his mother, which Diane suggests he hold onto.  Making what is likely the worst decision of her life, Diane invites the stranger inside to warm up.  She even gives him a present, though regrets this about 1 minute later when he insists on reading the letter to his mother.  His letter is highly critical of an abortion that happened 20 years ago…provoking an intense reaction from Diane.

Good things always happen when you let strangers with dark hoods into your house.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, you might wonder.  Is the stranger…oh fuck it, you already know this.  Yes, the stranger is exactly who you think he is, aka the miraculously living fetus Diane aborted 20 years ago.  The baby had Down’s syndrome and would have arrived as Diane’s husband was undergoing chemotherapy, which proved too much for her to handle…though she has kept this secret from everyone in the family.

Before he can finish reading the letter, the family insists the stranger leave the house and never return.  They even add insult to injury by throwing his gift at him and threatening him with the rifle that I imagine all Australians have hidden somewhere in every room.

If you want to kill a presumed dead fetus the right way, you have to do it yourself.

Almost immediately, the family is back to that great Christmas tradition of getting into pointless arguments.  This distracts them from the first murder of one of their own.  When they discover the body, it does bring the family together, however briefly.  The family (mostly Diane, TBH) concocts several plans, one of which involves an abysmally bad response from law enforcement officers.

It becomes all too easy for the murderer to pick off members of the family one by one.  When all is said and done, which side of the family will survive?

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

There are some successful moments in this film, but overall it’s quite a mess.  The tone is very uneven, at times almost a horror comedy, and at other times incredibly dark and low-budget gory.  Pointless family arguments are on the nose but feel out of place here with the grisly murders.  It’s also really difficult to care about 90% of the characters because they’re cookie cutter family stereotypes and they make THE worst horror movie decisions ever.  Diane is the exception to this as she proves herself to be quite a badass.  Too bad everyone else in the family is so incompetent.

I got a lot of mixed messages from this film too.  It was trying to be a bit more philosophical than your average slasher flick, but at a certain point just sort of gave up on conveying any sort of message.  When we finally see the murderer, he’s disfigured in an unexpected way that seems to be making a point about Down’s syndrome…but at the same time not really making sense.

Also, where the fuck was local law enforcement in all of this???  It takes about an hour for the cops to arrive with ONE officer who (spoiler) doesn’t live for very long or help in any way.  Surely this is not the way reports of armed murderers are handled in Australia unless the Australian version of law enforcement is just giving everyone a rifle and wishing them the best of luck?

Would my blog wife marry into this family or let them all meet the business end of an axe?  Find out in her review here!

Silent Night, Deadly Night, or: Axe Santa a Question

One of the best months on the blog, and we’re off with a bang—or, rather, quite a few swings of the axe and several stabs.  Once again, the month of December is brought to you by Christmas horror and the occasional made-for-tv Hallmark cheese tray.

The Film:

Silent Night, Deadly Night

The Premise:

Witnessing the murder of your parents may result in your transformation into Batman…or a serial killer who dresses as Santa.

The Ramble:

Christmas Eve, 1971.  And so our troubles begin.  It’s certainly going to be a memorable Christmas for Billy, who is off with his family to visit his grandfather.  The catch is dear old granddad is in a psychiatric ward, and seems to have been in a vegetative state for many years.  Conveniently, he becomes lucid for just long enough to traumatize Billy about the nature of Santa Claus as a vindictive old asshole who punishes bad children.  Upsetting, but not insurmountable, yeah?

Give it 5 minutes.

Enjoy this moment while it lasts, Billy.

After leaving the psychiatric care facility, Billy’s parents notice a man dressed as Santa whose car has broken down on the road.  In the spirit of Christmas, the family pulls over to help Santa, which turns out to be a serious mistake.  This Santa is an armed robber who proceeds to murder the entire family.  Billy and his younger brother, Jimmy, manage to survive albeit with deep psychological damage.

Things are going to get better from here on out for Billy, you might think.  Though raised in an orphanage by nuns, one of the sisters recognizes his trauma and tries to help him.  She realizes Christmas is a major trigger for Billy, who suffers from PTSD after witnessing the murder of his parents.

We need to talk about mullets.

Unfortunately, Mother Superior is less than sympathetic and decides to take a page from the how-to guide for raising a child who has experienced trauma in the way most likely to yield a disturbed, troubled adult destined to become a serial killer.  She hits Billy with a belt after he joins the other children for playtime outside without permission, ties him to the bed when he has horrible nightmares, and forces him to sit on Santa’s lap at Christmas.

In spite of this, Billy grows up to be a relatively mild-mannered, polite young man as evidenced by a very ‘80s inspired montage.  He gets a job working in a toy store, which he enjoys but can only end in terrible tragedy once December rolls around.  Noticing a change in Billy, his supervisor sensitively yells at him about being triggered by Christmas and pushes him to do better.  Oh, sir.  You’re not going to live for much longer, are you?

Inevitably, Billy is forced to play the role of Santa for children who visit the store, and is approximately as comfortable with this role as I would be, i.e.  not at all.  Already close to the breaking point, Billy completely loses it when his supervisor kisses and then assaults Billy’s coworker crush.  No one at the store has a particularly great time at the Christmas party.

Pictured above:  A terrifying monster destined to haunt your dreams…and a serial killer Santa.

After ruining the staff Christmas party, Billy decides to spread holiday cheer elsewhere in increasingly gruesome ways.  To his credit, he does leave the family cat alone.  Perhaps unsurprisingly, his final confrontation is with Mother Superior.  Who will make it to the New Year’s party in time to become the New Year’s Eve Ball Drop murderer?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

First off, there are a lot of gaping plot holes that are incredibly distracting.  Like, after finding a kid wandering through the woods near a murder scene, no one thought counseling might be a good idea???  And did no one think it would be helpful for the nuns to know about Billy’s incredibly disturbing childhood trauma?

Beyond the plot holes, there is way too much time spent on Billy’s horrific childhood for this to be a satisfying slasher.  At the end, I was just sad after seeing Billy’s continuous victimization throughout his life.  It’s difficult not to feel some sympathy for him when we know a great deal about the trauma he suffered at the hands of the murderer and the sadistic Mother Superior.

Overall, it’s like a less successful version of Psycho with way more boobs.

Would Christa sit on this one’s lap or string it up with some Christmas lights?  Read her review here to find out!

Burn Burn Burn, or: Three’s a Crowd

This week’s film sadly wraps up our November theme with a film that made me think of my blog wife immediately.  A British road trip comedy about two women scattering their best friend’s ashes?  I know Christa would make that trip 10,000x more fun than the one in this week’s pick.

The Film:

Burn Burn Burn

The Premise:

Two women embark on a road trip to scatter their friend’s ashes in this loose adaptation of On the Road.

The Ramble:

Before we delve into this film any further, let’s get this out of the way:  one of the leads in this film is Edith from Downton Abbey (Laura Carmichael), which is thoroughly inescapable.  However, her character here is significantly more likeable and inclined to expressing genuine emotion.

Anyway.  During the funeral reception for their best friend Dan, Seph and Alex are hit with the bombshell news that Dan has left his ashes to them.  While dying of cancer, he made a series of videos instructing them on the 4 places where he’d like his ashes to scatter.  However, Alex and Seph aren’t too keen on the idea of a morbidly death-centric road trip.  Both have (rather boring) jobs and steady relationships to maintain, so they decide to return to their usual routine.

Back to the humdrum existence of making presentations about yogurt while wearing penguin sweaters.

Of course, this would be a very short film if the story were that simple.  After Alex’s girlfriend turns out to be a cheater and Seph finally loses patience with her terrible job as a nanny, the two women hit the road.  Not before Seph threatens Alex’s girlfriend in a rather touching scene and experience the uncomfortable truth about Dan’s resentful relationship with his mother.  Is it too late to save that relationship?

Why is everything Alex does in this film so damn relateable???

The first stop on the journey is Glastonbury Abbey, though the tour guide at the abbey warns Seph and Alex they can’t scatter the ashes due to badgers(?!).  They do eventually reach a compromise and seem to be going forth rather uneventfully until they receive an invitation to party that evening.  Alex is reluctant to go along as we subscribe to the same school of thought when it comes to parties–what is a party for if not standing around looking uncomfortable and vaguely annoyed?

I’ve been there, Alex.

IDK what kind of party this is supposed to be, but it’s in a barn, features many party-goers in masks, and ends with the burning of a giant straw effigy.  As far as cults go, perhaps one of the more harmless ones (unless you’re a straw effigy).

The next day, several of the party-goers/cult members join Alex and Seph on their trip.  Their leader, Adam, is insufferable when everyone around him is sober, so it’s not long before our duo finds a way to ditch his crowd.

This shot is significantly less effective with only 2 people.

After Seph and Alex arrive at the next stop in Cardiff, tensions begin to roil.  Since Alex’s mother lives in Cardiff, the two stay with her but experience obvious tension.  Later, Seph hooks up with a guy she meets at a club that night.  Still reeling after discovering her girlfriend’s infidelity, Alex becomes furious with Seph, making for an unpleasant drive to York.

I HATE IT WHEN YOU TWO FIGHT.

As Dan’s video messages go on, he becomes increasingly bitter, expressing anger towards his mother, the petty concerns of his friends and their inability to really live.  Dan crosses a line when he’s a bit too on the nose about Alex and Seph, who reconsider the trip altogether.  Will Seph and Alex be able to honor Dan’s final wishes?

The Rating:

4/5 Pink Panther Heads

The relationship between Alex and Seph is the driving force behind this film, and succeeds in its strength and believability.  At times they judge each other, disagree, and disapprove, but at the end of the day support and love each other.

I also love the dialogue here, especially early on.  It’s very sharp, clever dialogue that reveals the nature of the two leads while embracing quite dark humor.  One of Alex’s lines about the number of children who die while someone is eating a yogurt cracked me up.

Two criticisms, however.  One:  Dan seems like the kind of person who would annoy the bejeezus out of me in real life.  He imagines himself this cool, laid-back rebel who’s dropping truth bombs left and right, but comes across as more of a lazy asshole who sits around providing commentary for other people’s lives instead of getting his shit together.  The bigger problem is the uneven tone of this film.  It’s initially very funny with admittedly very dark humor at times.  As it wraps up, though, it becomes a much more tragic story that meanders a bit.  Throw in the wise old hitchhiker trope and it becomes difficult to take it all seriously even though the finale of this film is quite sad.

Was Christa along for the ride or would she leave it stranded at the gas station?  Read her review here to find out!

Lion, or: Goodbye, Feelings

This month’s theme (essentially “Hey, this film made me think of you”) has unintentionally been the ultimate exercise in trust.  “Hey, let’s watch this emotional sucker punch of a film because I know how much you like a good reminder of how broken your feelings are” is one interpretation of this week’s pick.  However, I believe the intention with Lion is along the lines of “Hey, I know you like films with a realistic yet affirming story and rich emotional complexity, plus Nicole Kidman’s cool.”

/Also I may have suggested this one for the blog before but have lacked the emotional willpower to follow through and watch it.  That stops today.

The Film:

Lion

The Premise:

Based on the true story of a young man, raised in Tasmania by his adopted family, who used Google Earth to find his biological family in a small Indian village over 25 years later.

The Ramble:

Saroo lives with his mother, sister, and brother in rural India.  The family does what it can to scrape by–Saroo’s mother carries rocks, while Sarro and his brother Guddu performing the dangerous work of stealing coal from moving trains.  Saroo is especially close with his brother and always wants to be included whenever Guddu goes off alone to bring home something the family can trade for food.

I can no longer complete this post as my heart has broken into pieces too tiny to ever find and put together again.

One evening, Saroo insists on going along with his brother on a mysterious errand at the train station.  However, Saroo is unable to stay awake and falls asleep at the station.  When he wakes up, Saroo is on a moving train that doesn’t stop for days.  Eventually, the train stops in Calcutta and a lost Saroo has no idea how to return home.

After months of life on the streets dodging all manner of characters with ill intentions, a young man helps him talk to the police.  The police don’t recognize the name of his village and post his picture in hopes of someone claiming him.  Unfortunately, these efforts fail, and Saroo is sent to an orphanage that makes Dickens look tame.

Never trust a ginger.

Eventually, an Australian couple adopt Saroo and later, his brother Mantosh.  As they grow up, it becomes clear that Mantosh is a deeply troubled child who later turns to drugs.

I’d like Nicole to do more ’80s period pieces because she’s nailed that look.

The family dynamics become strained further when, after completing his university education, Saroo secretly determines to find his biological family.  Though his girlfriend Lucy believes his family should know what’s going on, Saroo insists it would hurt his mother too much to learn the truth.

I apologize for not preparing you for how good Dev looks in this film.

If you saw any of the trailers for this film or have seen any films that avoid an entirely nihilistic ending, you can probably guess whether Saroo is able to locate his family (plus I’ve never heard of anyone writing a book about looking for their biological family and then not finding them).  However, I challenge you to feel emotionally ready for the ending of this film because, unless your heart is made of stone, it will not happen.

The Rating:

4.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Though the plot is fairly straightforward, this film kept me engaged throughout as it battered my feelings.  It asks quite involved questions about the nature of family, privilege, identity, and loss.

Because this is a story driven by the experiences and feelings of its characters, the casting is so important here–and it’s perfect.  Dev and Nicole really stand out in their roles, and of course Sunny Pawar, who plays Saroo as a child.  He conveys so much emotion with his eyes and comes across as very genuine in some really devastating scenes.  I don’t even like kids, but I wanted to reach through the screen and hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay.

Possibly my only criticism is that Rooney Mara is almost entirely wasted in her role as the supportive girlfriend.  She has charisma here but not a lot to work with–it’s not even clear to me what she does in later scenes except go jogging and lecture Saroo about being honest with his family.  While she’s of course not the focus of the story, it would’ve been nice to see her fleshed out as a character and given more personality.

Everything else about this one is beautiful, though.

Would Christa use Google Earth to track this one down or run away faster than you can say “orange soda”?  Read her review here to find out!

Final Girl, or: You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin’ But Mammals

This week’s film is chosen with my Blog Wife in mind. Not only is she on record as one of the coolest people I know, but she has a segment on her blog dedicated to final girls in horror. What could be more appropriate for this week than a film taking its cues from the badass final girls we know and love? (Assuming we continue to exist in a world where the Mega Shark vs. Mecha Margaret [The Foxy Merkins] franchise has yet to materialize.)

The Film:

Final Girl

The Premise:

A teen girl trained to kill targets a group of boys who like to reenact “The Most Dangerous Game” with the girls in their small town.

The Ramble:

After the death of her parents, 5-year-old Veronica is adopted(?) for the purposes of mini assassin training. Her trainer, William, has lost his wife and child in an extremely vague murder, leading to his, er, brilliant plan of killing a group of 17-year-old boys 12 years later.

Nice view, if you can stand all of the assholes.

The training for Veronica is oddly specific, from killing people with her bare hands (since guns run out of bullets) and running through the woods until she can no longer feel her feet. After all of this time with William as her only human connection, Veronica is rather in love with him (in a super gross Stockholm syndrome kind of way).

After seriously 12 years of training, William deems Veronica ready for a test. She lures a man into the bathroom of a sort of Western themed restaurant(?) and manages to knock him out. This is an exhibit of (1) the general cop-out feeling that is watching this movie—surely the first test would be actually killing someone and (2) unintentional evidence of the creepy nature of Veronica and William’s relationship—random older man hits on Veronica = unacceptable, but relationship with William = ok because she knows him and he knows how to rock the stubble?

Creepy pseudo-romantic relationship or perfume ad?

To be completely ready, Veronica also has to undergo a test where she’s injected with a drug that will reveal the truth/show her greatest fear. As it turns out, her greatest fear is William murdering her. Pretty fucking twisted.

Having passed all of the tests, Veronica is finally ready for her, uh, mission? William instructs her to gather information on a group of 17-year-old boys who hunt and kill the girls in their high school. Somehow, no one is suspicious about all of these girls going missing or about the number of times a girl has gone out with these guys only to never return.

Veronica buys a milkshake at the local diner for Jennifer, who is dating one of the psycho teens. I actually really liked the bonding scene between these two characters, even though it’s all about boy problems and Jennifer delivers one of the most cringeworthy lines of dialogue in the entire film (and there are a lot): “I’m a 17-year-old girl…of course it’s boy-related.” I could feel myself losing years from my life during that moment.

We were going to try to pass the Bechdel test, but who gives a fuck.

After learning valuable(?) information about her targets that she pretty much already knew, Veronica meets up with the ringleader and scores a date. There are a few scenes giving the boys a bit of personality, which pisses me off, largely because the female characters like Jennifer get no time whatsoever for character development. Like the only thing we know about her is she likes milkshakes and is dating a psycho.

I drink your milkshake…

Veronica meets up with the Fucked Up Four and starts things out with a rather sinister game of truth or dare in the woods. Our ringleader tells this really psychotic story about a rabbit and eventually says the line “We’re all just animals,” thus ruining any chance I had of taking this movie seriously. It’s really difficult to take anything seriously when you have the Bloodhound Gang stuck in your head.

I think it will surprise no one to learn some pretty grisly deaths follow without a ton of suspense about who the final girl is in this film.

The Rating:

1/5 Angry Pink Panther Heads

I would’ve gone with 2 PPHs because this film wasn’t the worst ever, but the relationship between Veronica and William pissed me off so much. It’s creepy for William to have raised Veronica and then potentially pursue a romantic relationship with her. Plus she’s 17, which may be the age of consent but is young enough to still be creepy AF. It’s also uncomfortable that William keeps putting her through tests to prove she’s worthy of being alive; the parallels to what men do in toxic relationships are too real. Let’s not even touch on the major Stockholm syndrome at play in all of this or we’ll be here for a long fucking time.

It’s difficult to see William as any better than the psychotic 17 year olds we’re supposed to hate, honestly. He subjects Veronica to horrendous treatment and plays mind games, even if he considers it for her own good. It’s unclear how killing these dudes has anything to do with the murder of William’s wife and child as well; I don’t think we’re in a Michael Myers situation where they killed someone at the age of 5. This film accepts the weird logic that targeting bad people for murder makes you a good person…but does it?

By the end, I was really rooting for Veronica to kill William and fully embrace the concept of the final girl. Take a wild guess about whether I was disappointed (yet again).

Would Christa buy this one a shake or take an axe to it? Find out by reading her review here!

Madame Bovary, or: Arsenic and Gold Plates

November is the month of love on the blog–specifically love for the Blog Collab and our partnership.  In line with age-old tradition, our theme for this month revolves around choosing films that remind us of each other.  This week is Christa’s pick, and I think I’ve done well for myself if period dramas are the films immediately associated with me.

The Film:

Madame Bovary (2014)

The Premise:

France.  Extramarital affairs.  Massive debts as a result of too many gold encased centerpieces.  You know the drill.

The Ramble:

If 150+ years isn’t long enough to catch up on the basic plot of this story, this film considerately drops a few hints right away that it doesn’t end super well for the titular Madame Bovary.  Guess what?  Being a middle class married woman in the 19th century French countryside isn’t usually the most fun in literature.

Short diversion:  though set in France, this adaptation feels English AF, and the accents are confusing.  We have pseudo-French, British, American, and a few I couldn’t identify super easily.  Call me old-fashioned, but I want to hear actors in a French story at least make an attempt to put on a terrible French accent.

Returning to our story–almost immediately after her education in what looks like the world’s most boring martial arts school (but is actually a French convent), Emma marries a youngish doctor and moves to a small town outside of Rouen.  Everyone is stoked about the good match she’s made and predicts she’ll enjoy a comfortable, quiet life with her husband.  A ha ha.  Ha.

They see me rollin’…

For whatever reason, Paul Giamatti has a small role in this as a pharmacist/unintentional wingman for Emma.  He introduces Emma to a young legal clerk, Leon, with the dubious honor of being the last romantic in France.  Though Emma is really into this guy, the most scandalous thing she’s willing to do is walk slowly through a golden field with him.  That seems to be the end of that (at least for now).

Period drama requirements satisfied in this scene:  bonnets, sideburns, symbolically wild/flowy hair on men, walking in fields.

Bored with the countryside, Emma tries to convince her husband to move to a city with more excitement or at least some more dudes to scope out.  Sorry, Emma–not going to happen.  Her only consolation is buying expensive shit on credit so she’ll have a shiny new wardrobe and extravagant decor.

After some time, Emma meets a marquis at a really fancy fox hunting party (which also makes this story feel even more fucking English).  Though initially Emma only offers friendship to the Marquis, she becomes tired with the constant disappointment that is life and begins an affair with him.  Eventually, Emma plans to run away to Paris with the Marquis, but…that doesn’t work out very well for her.  She does get some apricots out of it, though.

Break-up note accompanied by food is…not the worst idea, actually.

Luckily, Leon shows up again around this time.  However, Emma has also amassed much more debt than her husband can ever pay off by this point.  Unless Emma can rustle up 10,000 francs, she will lose everything.  Guess who’s there for her in her hour of need?

Spoiler:  it rhymes with marsenic.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I do always love the scenery, costumes, and symbolism of a period drama.  The sweeping landscape shots are beautiful, though (again), there’s something about all of this that feels so English.

However, we’re sorely missing a glimpse into Emma’s inner workings.  We see her reacting to feelings of emptiness and boredom without understanding where these feelings come from or what drives her to spending money and conducting affairs.  She’s also described as intelligent yet overly romantic, but neither of these characteristics shines through.  In this adaptation, Emma is actually somewhat boring herself and honestly not the brightest.  As a result, there is very little redeeming about her character, and it’s difficult to be sad when she meets an unhappy end.

At a certain point, this film ends up feeling like it’s crossing off items on the period drama checklist:  furtive glances at church, melancholy walks in the countryside, forbidden meetings at night.  You can get all that and more from so many other period dramas, in addition to more fully developed characters and deeper significance (plus less confusing accents).

Would Christa plate this one in gold or send it away to walk alone in the woods?  Find out in her review here!

Night of the Living Deb, or: Horror? Comedy?

The last film of Horror Month is upon us with perhaps the most dubious of all horror subgenres:  the horror comedy.  It has brought the Blog Collab memorable highs (Grabbers, Housebound, 3-Headed Shark Attack) and devastating lows (All Cheerleaders Die, Ghost Shark).  Which one will it be this time around?

The Film:

Night of the Living Deb

The Premise:

The zombie apocalypse is unleashed on Portland, ME, giving the titular Deb the opportunity she’s been waiting for to meet cute guys and eat froyo.

The Ramble:

It’s Independence Day in Portland…an important day historically for the US to fight off aliens and other hostile non-human life forms.  Deb and her bff Ruby are out drinking with the rest of the town in honor of the 4th.  Because nothing sounds like a better time in the summer than crowding in an enclosed space with a bunch of sweaty strangers.

’90s game strong.

Ruby encourages Deb to go talk to Ryan, a guy she’s been scoping out all evening.  As soon as Deb works up the courage to flirt really badly with Ryan, his fiancée Stacy interrupts and picks a fight with him.  Apparently Ryan is none too keen to work for and inherit the rather shady family business, thus securing their financial future.  After the fight, Deb and Ryan hook up, which he immediately regrets.

The next day, Deb leaves Ryan’s apartment without fanfare.  Both soon realize that this won’t be a typical 4th as Deb witnesses children feeding on the flesh of their parents and the barista attacks Ryan at his local coffee shop.

The commute was…murder…

Overhearing on the radio that Portland is under a state of emergency, Deb and Ryan team up to find their families.  Ryan’s family is in the city, and Deb’s mother has retired to Virginia Beach.

First, the two check in on Ruby at the Christmas store where she works.  Sadly, Ruby has been zombified, and Deb vows to end her miserable existence.  However, she’s unable to follow through with her plan and instead traps Ruby in the trunk of her car until scientists develop a cure.

Deb and Ryan do make it to his family’s house, where his father, brother, and fiancée are gathered.  As it turns out, Ryan’s father may have played a role in the zombie outbreak, caused by contaminated city water.

Road trip!  To celebrate your family NOT killing us with contaminated water.

Things get really fucked up from here on out, as Ryan’s brother, who is in love with Stacy confronts her and then lets her die by zombie attack.  Deb has decided to leave after she hears suspicious sounds from Ryan and Stacy’s room.  Once she reaches a certain checkpoint, she realizes Portland is now the equivalent of the Hotel California–she’s not allowed to leave, even with the influential connection to Ryan’s family.  The state has decided to cover up the outbreak, which would’ve sounded more far-fetched to me around 5 years ago or so.

With Ruby’s help, Deb manages to escape with Ryan and enact an admittedly rather brilliant plan.  But is it too late to save their lives or for Deb to (eye roll) fulfill her dreams?

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

I initially liked Deb, but it wasn’t even halfway through the film that my opinion reversed dramatically.  Her awkwardness is endearing until it feels like it tries too hard, though I do love her rather ’90s inspired wardrobe complete with jelly sandals and a scrunchie.  She’s a hastily constructed character at best, jumping from supposed lifelong dream to another, whether it’s finding love or becoming a news anchor.

The worst, however, are the men (of course).  Ryan’s entire fucking family must be a bunch of sociopaths because (1).  His father caused the goddamn zombie apocalypse in Portland and coasts by pretty easily without consequence (perhaps the most realistic element of this film), (2).  His brother is really trigger happy and lets Stacy, a woman he claims to love, get eaten by zombies, (3).  Ryan has no reaction to Stacy’s death AT ALL and lies to her about what happened with Deb.  Also, can I point out that Ruby just sort of wanders off into the woods, never to be heard from again?

Considering how horrible 90% of the characters in this film are, the way the zombie apocalypse is played off as a joke in order to wrap things up happily is infuriating.  The happy ending (oops, spoiler?) doesn’t feel earned, and I hope Ruby comes back to town to burn it all down.

Would Christa save this one in the trunk or put it out of its misery ASAP?  Read her review here to find out!

A Dark Song, or: Angels & Demons

As much as this month is about trashy horror, it wouldn’t be complete without a moody slow burner about dealing with grief through a countryside retreat to practice occult rituals.  With a man who is essentially an extremely ginger Paul Giamatti.

The Film:

A Dark Song

The Premise:

A woman hires an occultist to perform a ritual allowing her to communicate with her murdered son.

The Ramble:

Sophia has been mourning her son’s unsolved murder for a long time (understandably) and finally decides to do something about it.  Her solution?  Occult ritual to summon a guardian angel that will grant her a request.  Though she claims the request will be to speak with her child one ore time, does Sophia have ulterior motives?  Spoiler alert:  yes.

The occultist she meets with is Joseph, who has had a 1 in 3 success rate, which I guess isn’t too shabby in the occult world?  In order to complete the ritual, Sophia will have to follow Joseph’s instructions without question, some of which are pretty gnarly.  Joseph initially turns down her request, even for a shitload of money, but decides to take on the ritual when she convinces him her motives are pure.

The film’s original pitch as a road trip comedy was less successful…

Joseph explains the ritual is basically a journey (I guess he’s a New Age occultist) in which they’ll travel through 5 circles, invoking the angel at all stages.  Most likely, the angel will materialize after the 4th or 5th step.  Of course, there are also really horrific tasks along the way for purification.  Sophia has to do things like shave Joseph’s body (what), spend hours to days reciting from one of the dark magic books (obv I totally know a lot about this kind of thing…) without food or sleep, drinking stemless wine glasses of Joseph’s blood, and getting naked in front of him so he can “purify” himself (gross gross gross).

There are some signs that the rituals are working like birds hitting the window and Sophia hearing her son’s voice speaking to her.  However, after a while, it becomes clear that they’re really not getting the intended results from all of the blood drinking and…uh, emergence of other bodily fluids.  As it turns out, Sophia’s real motive is to rain down vengeance on the teens who killed her son in a pseudo-occult ritual (and were never caught).  Joseph says it’s fine as a motive, but lying about it was distinctly not ok.

Lying is impure, but cigarettes are fine.

For the ritual to work now, Joseph insists Sophia must be purified, which means nearly drowning her in a cold bath in the middle of the night.

After Sophia’s near-death experience, she’s angry with their lack of progress and lashes out at Joseph.  Things escalate rather quickly in ways that aren’t wonderful for Joseph.  After Sophia tries to leave the house, she discovers she can’t… and of course things get really sinister from here on out.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

The eerie ambiance is perfect and burns so slowly, leading to a suspenseful ending.  Not a lot of horror can do what this film does.  However (as always), men ruined it for me.   I had trouble getting around Joseph being an asshole for 95% of his screen time.  Sophia isn’t necessarily the most likeable character ever, but she’s easier to understand and feel sympathy for.  The last 30 minutes or so of this are pure perfection, though, and  (SPOILER) blissfully Joseph-free (sorry, dude).

Would Christa complete an occult ritual with this one or let it drown in the bathtub? Read her review here to find out!

Cult of Chucky, or: Toy Story 7

The best month on the blog continues with a somewhat less…artistic film?  Unless you consider fake blood and slow-mo glass shattering to be fine artistry.

The Film:

Cult of Chucky

The Premise:

This feels redundant.

The Ramble:

Rather cringey and ill-timed opening conversation about guns aside, what you expect from this film is exactly what you get.  The serial killer-possessed doll is back (yet again) for mayhem and murder.  The first few minutes more or less catch us up to speed with the story so far, which is helpful for me as a viewer who has occasionally seen bits and pieces of the films (except in the way it pervades horror pop culture [is that a thing?]).

Andy, now an adult, has been haunted by Chucky since childhood.  It seems all of the years of murder/psychological warfare have made Andy a bit twisted, as he now keeps Chucky’s head in a safe and brings it out on wild nights to torture it a bit.  Let’s not get into the moral dilemma of this scenario, ok?

Just another Friday night at home…

Meanwhile, another survivor of Chucky’s madness is suffering quite a bit herself.  Nica is a patient in a high security psychiatric hospital after allegedly going on a murder spree and blaming it all on Chucky.  She has MS and rolls around in a wheelchair (possibly the only horror heroine to do so?!??!).

After gaining better control over her delusions, Nica will move to a medium security facility that’s appropriately ominous.  Even though the nurse Carlos says he’s just doing a job, he seems to be fond of Nica and leaves her a gift of chewing gum.

What other facility could better promote positive mental health?

The others in the hospital include a woman who claims to be a ghost, a man with multiple personalities, a woman who smothered her own child, and an arsonist who instantly dislikes Nica.  Everyone seems to know about Nica’s dodgy past, which seems like a major ethical violation…but that’s really the least of the psychiatrist’s offenses.

Things are going along, eh, reasonably well, until the ghost lady tells Nica that her niece isn’t doing well…and that Chucky is coming.  For some stupid fucking reason, the psychiatrist decides to bring out a Chucky doll as an exercise, which the patient missing her child instantly claims as her own.   Yeah, about .25 seconds later he’s wielding a knife.

From this point, of course, the bodies start piling up.  And so do the Chucky dolls–in addition to the creepy Chucky head chilling with Andy, there are two dolls in the hospital.

Oh, also, Jennifer Tilly, Chucky’s girlfriend, has adopted Nica’s niece for whatever reason.  Mostly to torture Nica.

At a later point, the psychiatrist tries hypnosis with Nica and reveals what a goddamn sleaze he is.  Will Nica escape both the psychiatrist and Chucky?

And will Andy ever make it to the hospital?  I kind of forgot about him–did you?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

This is so much fun it’s hard not to like.  The plot avoids going in the direction you expect, and I appreciate the almost complete lack of romance in this (really expected a Nica/Andy hookup and was pleasantly surprised that this didn’t happen).  Most of the characters are really fun to watch and have at least some emotional depth.  The ending manages to surprise and makes the ride even more fun.

It’s also incredibly satisfying to watch a certain wannabe Freud finally fucking die (spoiler/not really a spoiler because you know it’s coming).

Note to filmmakers:  if your horror is set in a psych ward, odds of me liking it increase exponentially.  Also the representation of several of the psychological disorders here was not the worst (I mean, for a horror film).

Would Christa lock this one away or unleash its madness upon the world?  Find out by reading her review here!