#Goals

I’ve been blogging here for over 4 years now.  And while it’s been so worth it in terms of meeting my blogging partner and internet love of my life, A Voluptuous Mind, I haven’t become a social media influencer, the voice of a generation, or even the kind of blogger who every now and then gets free samples of all-natural snacks to review.

According to a widget on my blog’s side bar, I have 172 followers, a number I don’t understand (but choose not to question).  What I do know is this number in no way accurately reflects the number of people who regularly read this blog, which is approximately 3% of that number (looking at you, whoever is Googling “hillbilly woman murderer from the 1800’s” and “does the cat die in hush”).

I can’t say I’m sad about the lack of a following most of the time, since any large group on the internet seems to be composed of about 30% (or more) trolls and/or Russian bots.  But I do at times aim to write and post more on this blog than I do, and I wonder if that lack of followers holds me back in spite of myself.  One of the first questions people usually ask about my blog is how many readers it has.

Tim Wu has written this wonderful article, “In Praise of Mediocrity,” that asserts the way we talk about hobbies has gotten absolutely out of control.  It’s not enough to dabble in sketching; you must illustrate and animate a 12-minute short film to prove you have a true passion for your hobby.  And it’s out of the question you keep at something even when all evidence suggests you may not have any talent for it whatsoever.

I keep meaning to write more, but I worry what I write will be garbage.  I have been telling myself to do more sketching or actually focus on a fucking practical hobby like knitting or give sailing a go since I’m surrounded by water now.

And admittedly, I’ve had a lot going on lately and am trying to be patient with myself.  But I also want to avoid falling into a routine before I’ve had the opportunity to try different things and absorb new experiences.

Wu writes “to permit yourself to do only that which you are good at is to be trapped in a cage whose bars are not steel but self-judgment.”

There are a lot of chances I haven’t taken because I was too busy feeling like shit about myself or worried that others would see too clearly what a talentless hack I was.  But goddamnit, I want to learn to sail.

Photo by chuttersnap

Feeling Good, or: Looking to the Future

This is possibly the first ever post that is solely about me and what’s going on in my life. I KNOW. ON MY OWN BLOG. Because I feel good (cue James Brown) and want you to know I haven’t utterly lost it and set my neighbor on fire. I think it’s important to feel what you feel, but I also don’t want to dwell on things forever. Plus I don’t want this to become Jillian’s Teen Angst Blog: Part Two (I apologize, internet, for Part One). I hope you realize that any foolish passion on my part is entirely over. I’m looking to the future. (Yes, that was a North & South reference, and I do not apologize. If I could, I would slowly put on a top hat and march away dramatically.)

Without any further nonsense, things I’m looking forward to in the near future:

1. Most immediately, finishing off a loaf of banana bread I made last week. Apparently banana bread has only been a thing since the 1930s. Just 100 years ago it would have been possible for me to live in a banana bread-less world. Thank you to whatever coincidence of time, space, and invention prevented this from happening.
2. I have three days off this week, and a mega stack of books and movies. Finally going to watch The Babadook.

   

   It’s wrong to imply that I have a problem because that’s clearly false.

   Also looking forward to reading The Watchmaker of Filigree Street, my impulse new book purchase. Honestly, I haven’t bought a new book in a really long time…I’m much too cheap to spend more than $1 or $2 on used books. It made me feel powerful and cool knowing I will read this book way before anyone can check it out from the library. And if I really wanted to, I could tear pages out of this book and scribble all over it and pour tea on it. It’s my right as a consumer. God, you guys. I feel I’m about to begin a retail therapy phase.

   

   That cover, though.

3. Once they have aired their current seasons, I will be binge-watching Continuum and Masters of Sex. Seriously, if you watch either of these shows, let me know and I will talk (type?) your ear off. I don’t think any of my co-workers watch either show, and Masters of Sex is just really hard to casually mention in conversation. “So I was watching Masters of Sex the other day…Do you ever watch Masters of Sex? I find it really interesting to watch.” I wish Masters of Sex had a name that made me feel less like a complete perv. Stupid William Masters for having a name with so much potential for filthy puns.
4. I have decided: vacation in Sept/Oct. I NEED IT.
5. The second Diviners book, Lair of Dreams, will finally be published towards the end of the month. Libba Bray’s trilogy(?) follows Evie, a young woman with supernatural abilities, living in 1920s New York. Evie tries to solve a series of occultish murders with the help of her powers and some absolutely fantastic secondary characters. There’s also a really gross scene in a butcher shop in the first one. No one is as creepy as Libba Bray. NO ONE. I’ve been waiting three years for this one, and I’m so bad at waiting.
6. I finally went bra shopping after putting it off for years. YEARS. I’m sure this is more than the world needs to know about me, but I HATE HATE HATE bra shopping, so I’ve been hoping for the best even as my bras are being killed off in And Then There Were None-style mayhem (spoiler: it was me. I killed them). Be proud: I braved Kohl’s, a store so vast and forbidding that you could get lost and no one would find you for days.
7. I’ve started version 2.0 of Jillian’s Terrible, Soul-Crushing Job Search. I know that doesn’t really sound like the most fabulous thing to do, but I think it’s time. I like my jobs at the moment, but I’m extremely underemployed. Especially as I’ve been seeing some postings that actually sound interesting and might work out (maybe). I’m easing myself back into applying. Slowly, slowly.
8. I’m really enjoying my new hobby of painting swear words on cheap ceramics.

   

   Much cheaper than therapy.

9. Also of note in a few short days: my mom bringing me a suitcase full of Tunnocks and tea. This is a thing that is happening, right, Mom? RIGHT???
10. Rapidly approaching this blog’s first birthday! I’m trying to come up with something special to do in honor of it. I started blogging to keep myself busy, and it’s become such a meaningful, important part of my life where I’ve met some fantastic people. Looking at you especially, Christa and Hayley, but I hope all of you, readers, know how much I appreciate you. Yes, even you, random internet creep. You’re good for my stats.

Obviously I’m upset about my neighbor being a condescending asshole, but I’m tired of giving fuckheads undue influence over the way I think and feel. It sucks that I’m majorly underemployed and drowning in student loans, but that doesn’t mean I have to be miserable all of the time. Though it’s antithetical to everything about my nature, I’m attempting to go with the flow. My life isn’t what I want it to be, but there’s really a very limited value in obsessing over the way I think things should be, n’est-ce pas?

Since you have been so patiently bearing with me, what are you looking forward to, reader(s)?

Or feel free to bitch about things. Never let it be said that my blog isn’t somewhere people can go to bitch about their lives.