Poetic Justice, or: I’m Sorry, Miss Jackson

It’s very possible we pinned too many hopes on this week’s film providing inspiration, or, at the very least, a compelling romance between two musical icons. Either way, this week’s pick–starring no less than Janet Jackson and Tupac Shakur–was not quite the hit we expected. As a result, prepare yourself for us to bust open the emergency Christmas seal earlier than usual. We could really use something painfully upbeat and comfortingly predictable, which this film…is not.

The Film:

Poetic Justice

The Premise:

After witnessing the murder of her boyfriend, a young woman turns to poetry to cope, and begins to connect with an aspiring musician.

The Ramble:

In 1990s Los Angeles, hairdresser Justice looks forward to a night out at the drive-in with her boyfriend Markell. It’s not long before the evening takes a tragic turn when a couple of Markell’s rivals spot him, shooting him point-blank in the head. Following her boyfriend’s death, it’s clear that Justice is in mourning, keeping to herself, writing poetry, and wearing mostly black.

Inevitably, everyone in the world feels the need to give advice to Justice on getting out more, finding a man, smiling…all of the usual nonsense. This includes postal worker Lucky, whose interest in Justice is extremely unwanted, creating immediate tension between the two.

Justice has found an escape in writing poetry, while Lucky aspires to a career in music. However, he must also find a way to provide a safe home environment for his daughter, whose mother is an addict.

Whenever possible, Lucky heads up to Oakland with his fellow postal worker, Chicago. Oakland is home to Lucky’s cousin, a talented musician and collaborator. Justice’s bff Iesha happens to be dating Chicago, and brings her pal along for the ride…unaware of the tense history between Justice and Lucky.

The trip is off to a rocky start that escalates to name-calling, and the crew isn’t on the road for long before an enraged Justice decides to get out and walk. After finally managing to get Justice back in the truck, the group spots a family reunion that happens to waft the mouthwatering scent of perfectly cooked barbecue for miles.

More or less blending in at the massive family reunion, where Maya Angelou is one of the aunts, things take a turn when a tipsy Iesha begins flirting with another man. After Chicago starts a fight with him, the group leaves the reunion, only for fights to break out all around between Chicago, Iesha, Lucky, and Justice.

As Justice and Lucky get to know each other better, Chicago and Iesha seem to be rapidly unraveling. Will the connection between Justice and Lucky survive when most of the group finally makes it to Oakland and tragedy strikes?

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

Agh, I don’t know where to begin with this one. With leads like Janet Jackson and Tupac, it feels impossible to go wrong…but there are so many problems with this film. First, Tupac’s character is incredibly problematic, referring to Janet Jackson as a bitch or a ho multiple times. I wouldn’t expect a film made in the early ’90s to age perfectly, but it happens so many times that it’s distracting.

In fact, Janet Jackson’s character as a whole doesn’t get a lot of respect (nobody’s calling her Miss Jackson here). After Justice’s boyfriend is shot in front of her, the people in her life are on her case to stop being depressed already and find a new man. No one offers her any particularly meaningful emotional support or even seems to recognize that she must be deeply traumatized. Her coping mechanism of writing poetry feels underdeveloped, and I expected Lucky to encourage her and/or recognize an opportunity to collaborate. In fact, Justice as a whole isn’t given enough character development, as what feels like her story initially becomes overshadowed by Lucky.

The plot itself is flimsy and doesn’t do much to distract from how flat our leading characters are. On top of all this, we don’t get any musical numbers whatsoever from either Janet or Tupac, which feels like a huge missed opportunity. Our incredible cast definitely deserved better.

Would my blog wife invite this one to a barbecue or ditch it along the side of the highway? Read her review to find out!

Imperial Dreams, or: 2020 Has Ruined Dramatic Film

Choose a film that somewhat connects to last week’s Menace II Society, they said. You can’t possibly fail to be inspired by John Boyega’s compelling performance, they said. Well, they were wrong. And by they, I of course mean me.

It’s been a difficult year made worse by a shitshow of an election, a grim holiday season around the corner, and no end in sight to a global pandemic. This week’s film will do nothing to lighten your mood–and may, in fact, merely serve as a reminder that, no matter your circumstances, systemic racism can and does make things even worse.

The Film:

Imperial Dreams

The Premise:

Recently released from prison in Los Angeles, a young man faces persistent obstacles as he attempts to change his life for the sake of his son.

The Ramble:

After serving time in prison (a familiar pattern since the age of 12), Bambi returns to the LA projects where he grew up. This time, he is determined to carve out a different life for himself and his young son, whose mother is currently incarcerated. Bambi’s son Daytone is so young that he doesn’t even remember his father.

With a father out of the picture and a mother addicted to drugs, Bambi was raised by his uncle Shrimp, who has been taking care of Daytone. It’s clear right away that Shrimp cares for his family…but he expects loyalty in return. When Bambi turns down a job driving a car full of Oxycontin across state lines, it creates tension that simmers throughout the remainder of the film.

While incarcerated, Bambi had one silver lining to hold onto–he had a semi-autobiographical short story published in McSweeney’s. His brother Wayne is also planning to get away from the old neighborhood, though he will need a significant cash infusion to pay for expenses his scholarship at Howard won’t cover. To Wayne, working with Shrimp could provide the perfect opportunity…though jaded Bambi knows better.

As he tries to find a job and land his own place to raise Daytone, Bambi hopes to stay with his grandparents. Unfortunately, the apartments where they live won’t allow convicts. Needing to distance himself from Shrimp, Bambi opts for living in a car parked outside of his grandparents’ home as a compromise. At the same time, Child & Family Services needs to know that Daytone has a safe place to live…so, of course, Bambi lies.

Meanwhile, Shrimp’s reckless son Gideon is busy dodging police and rival gangs alike. Since a shooting went wrong, Gideon is no longer welcome in the family home. It’s not long before his past catches up with him and tragedy strikes. Will Shrimp persuade Bambi to join up with him for the sake of family? Or will Bambi’s own understanding of family loyalty prevail?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Oooof, this week has brought us another difficult watch. There seems to be no hope for any of our characters, who are stuck inevitably in a cycle of violence, incarceration, and poverty. It’s frustrating and incredibly depressing to watch Bambi take every legal avenue possible to provide for his son only to get shut out by bureaucratic red tape.

Under normal circumstances, I think I would have enjoyed this film more, so I’m going to award PPHs based on that. Also John Boyega is ever-watchable here, which I will give this film massive credit for. I’m not sure I would necessarily recommend watching this film right now, though, unless you are in a very different headspace currently. And if you are–tell me how you got there, won’t you?

Would my blog wife give this one a second chance or immediately lay down the law for its minor parole violations? Find out in her review!

Menace II Society, or: Caine & LA

This may not be the most focused review for the Collab as I mentally process the past 5 or so days of the US election, which made everything feel like it was happening in slow motion. If you are at all familiar with this blog, you could likely guess with some accuracy that I am SO relieved with the Biden/Harris win, though I am still holding my breath until the orange man is physically out of the White House.

But let’s time travel back to a time when the current president was merely a horrible human discriminating against Black tenants in rental practices.

The Film:

Menace II Society

The Premise:

After a visit to a convenience store results in violence, recent high school graduate Caine’s future looks increasingly bleak.

The Ramble:

One fateful night, teens Caine and O-Dog enter an LA convenience store to buy beer. Everyone seems on edge, as the store owners immediately eye the two young Black men with suspicion, while the impulsive O-Dog drinks beer right from the bottle before paying and snaps out angry responses loaded with the f-bomb. It feels inevitable that a confrontation will break out. When the store owner makes an off-hand remark about O-Dog’s mother, the teen snaps, shooting both the man and his wife.

Though O-Dog’s actions kick off the film’s main story, Caine is our main protagonist and narrator. He reveals his family is from the Watts neighborhood of south LA, an area known for one of the city’s most significant uprisings in the 1960s.

In the aftermath of the riots, Caine’s father (played by Samuel L. Jackson!) was a drug dealer, while his mother was a heroin addict. By the time Caine was 10, both of his parents were dead and he had gone to live with his grandparents.

Despite the religious teachings of his grandparents, Caine follows in his father’s footsteps and is a drug dealer before he’s even graduated high school (in a scene that will remind viewers that this film is approaching 30 years old, Caine uses a pager to communicate about deals).

Though O-Dog is Caine’s best friend, there is tension between the two. O-Dog is reckless to a fault, going so far as to boastfully show the footage of the convenience store robbery to all of their buddies.

As it turns out, this is the least of Caine’s problems, as he and his cousin are carjacked one night after a party. Though Caine is shot, he survives…unlike his cousin. And Caine makes it his mission to avenge his cousin’s murder.

Meanwhile, Caine has been growing closer to Ronnie, a single mother whose ex has been sentenced to life without parole. Even though she’s essentially a free agent, it goes against some sort of bro code for Caine to pursue Ronnie. Instead, Caine hooks up with a young woman he picks up at a park.

At this point, Caine and O-Dog are arrested when they’re caught stealing a car. However, as this is Caine’s first arrest, and O-Dog is a minor, the two are released again soon, even after Caine’s prints match those found at the convenience store.

Throughout numerous violent encounters with the police and other young men, Caine has a chance to get out when Ronnie decides to take a job in Atlanta…and asks him to come along. But is Caine really ready to leave?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

This is a tough watch. The circumstances Caine inherits from his parents effectively demonstrate the difficulty of breaking destructive cycles and systems. This is a rare film about inequity that wisely pans out to give the audience context rather than focusing blame on individuals.

However, I couldn’t get Radha Blank’s song about poverty porn (featured in last week’s The Forty-Year-Old Version) out of my head throughout the film. The unceasing misery depicted here does verge on poverty porn. Focusing on systems rather than people makes it difficult to care about any of the characters…or to feel that they have any agency whatsoever. The near-constant threat of violence from the police and those around Caine helps the viewer understand the ways he is dehumanized, but it doesn’t make him particularly sympathetic. He treats a lot of the characters here pretty badly, actually–especially women.

Caine certainly doesn’t deserve his fate, but the film presents it as inevitable, which weighs very heavily indeed.

Would my blog wife have this one’s back or speed off towards Atlanta ASAP? Read her review to find out!

Patchwork, or: Women Gotta Stick Together

TGIO–Thank God It’s October,  aka the best month on the blog, and arguably the best month period.   Nothing but horror to see here.  This week brings us a modern horror-comedy inspired by Frankenstein, featuring what may be the most jarring sight of all:  a non-ginger Fred Weasley.

The Film:

Patchwork

The Premise:

Three women seek revenge after being transformed into a grotesque creature at the hands of a modern-day Frankenstein.

The Ramble:

Los Angeles:  City of Dreams.  Also city of disreputable plastic surgeons with gruesome passion projects.

Successful but aloof Jennifer spends her birthday alone at a bar only to wake up the next day as the victim of a modern-day Frankenstein experiment.  Along with bubbly sorority girl Ellie and socially awkward Madeleine, parts of Jennifer’s face and body have been used to make one perfect woman (for convenience/laziness purposes, referred to as JEM from this point on).  Unfortunately, their new body is highly scarred and traps their 3 distinct minds together.

In spite of disagreement about what happened and exactly whose body this is, JEM work together to escape (hampered by George from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend).  As they regroup at Jennifer’s apartment, JEM decide first they will unravel the truth about what happened, then work to restore each mind to her separate body.

All 3 stories seem to share the bar where Jennifer spent a miserable birthday alone, Vic’s.  Could Jennifer’s medical student friend be the surgeon gone psychotic?

Next is a deep dive into Ellie’s memories.  The night of her abduction, Ellie was trying desperately to impress a pompous artist who clearly doesn’t make art as such an act would be much too capitalist.  Could Banksy 2.0 have been the culprit?

As for Madeleine, she was drinking alone at Vic’s until a D-list celebrity decided to join her.  Though quiet and awkward, Madeleine asks Mr. I-Have-a-Drink-Named-After-Me back to her place.  Could this self-important pseudo-celeb have a dark hobby?  (Spoiler:  no.  Madeleine actually has a rather impressive collection of body parts in her fridge…)

I should note that as JEM narrow down their list of suspects, they are taking the process of elimination to an extreme and killing off the dudes they encounter.  Few tears are shed as these are men who have been emotionally manipulative, creepy AF, or just so goddamn annoying.

We also get the love story no one asked for when Madeleine and Ellie decide Fred Weasley (or whatever the fuck his character’s name is in this film) is their type–or at least is there and available.  This plot point unintentionally brings up an interesting philosophical discussion about consent–if one body houses more than one consciousness, how many have to agree for it to be consent?  Yet another good reason to never try to Frankenstein people.

Philosophical questions aside, who is responsible for JEM’s transformation and how will they rain bloody vengeance down upon his head?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Even though the second half of this film is an absolute mess, I just can’t resist the first part.  The premise of the film is so fun:  mix one of my favorite literary classics with gory horror, social commentary, and ladies working together to get shit done.  Though the characterization of the 3 women isn’t always the most fleshed out, the scenes where they bond and begin to conspire are delightful.  I unexpectedly liked Ellie a lot; even though she is the sorority girl stereotype, Ellie is no mean girl and shows vulnerability that really resonates for me.

Unfortunately, the film tries unsuccessfully to make a statement amidst a completely incoherent plot.  It’s fruitless to expect to achieve the so-called perfect body, women gotta stick together, revenge is actually quite fulfilling–what the actual fuck is the message here???  Perhaps most unforgivably of all, it dangles the satisfying idea of a female serial killer targeting egomaniacs only to rip this away from us with a, er, clever twist.

I also really hate that Madeleine’s history of mental illness is brought up as something of an explanation for her violent behavior and (spoiler/not really a spoiler) obsession with having the perfect body.  Equating mental health with violence is problematic AF.  Furthermore, women feeling like shit about their bodies can be related to and exacerbated by mental illness–but it’s also very much an issue of social conditioning and, IDK, LIVING IN THIS WORLD.

And, of course, the tacked-on romance with a mediocre non-ginger Weasley just isn’t wanted or needed.  I don’t want to see women hook up with boring heteronormative white dudes; I want to see them stab the fuck out of people (preferably men).

I have to say, however, the first part of the film did bring me a lot of joy.

Did my blog wife get attached to this one or would she saw off her own arm to get away from it?  Find out in her review here!

Bright, or: Just the Two of Orcs

We interrupt our regularly scheduled Christmas programming for what is the greatest Christmas gift of all on the blog:  a terrible Netflix original movie about cops, orcs, prophecies, and CGI creatures completely real mythical beings.

The Film:

Bright

The Premise:

Two members of the LAPD–one orc, one Will Smith–team up to prevent the prophesied return of the generic medieval fantasy-type dark wizard.

The Ramble:

Like any fantasy worth its weight in …unicorn dust(?), this one begins with a vague prophecy that attempts to be intriguing but is really just minorly irritating.  I can’t even remember what it is at this point.  Magic, magic, Dark Lord, orcs, you’re a wizard Harry.  Something along those lines.  Surely these words won’t affect our unsuspecting protagonists in modern day Los Angeles.

Note that modern day Los Angeles is a place where humans coexist with all manner of fantasy creatures:  orcs, elves, centaurs, fairies, dragons, and the like.  As one would expect, there’s an established hierarchy, with orcs as essentially the lowest of the low.  Elves, on the other hand, are akin to the 1% and even have their own district with way nicer cars and cleaner streets.  Humans seem to fall somewhere in the middle of all this.

This includes Will Smith, an officer with the LAPD.  After dramatically being shot by an orc, Will (aka Daryl Ward) is returning for his first day of work in months.  His partner Nick Jakoby is the only orc on the force, and as such is under constant suspicion by the other cops.  The situation for Nick hasn’t improved since an orc shot his partner and then escaped.

BTW, Margaret Cho is in this.

Though Ward tries to keep things professional, he obviously holds a grudge towards Nick, constantly shutting down his partner and trying to undermine him.  Not cool.  When Internal Affairs gets involved with the investigation of Ward’s shooting, he’s ready to be rid of his partner but would rather do so without any shady schemes.  The Internal Affairs reps persuade him to record his conversations with Nick and draw a career ending confession from him.

Meanwhile, Ward and Nick respond to a disturbance downtown in which a crazy guy with a sword is saying shit about the prophecy and making threats.  After they take him into custody, he tells Nick the Dark Lord is returning to claim orc hearts.  This guy is later interrogated by an elf and humans that are part of the FBI for magic.

You shall not…park here!

It may also interest you or at least be relevant for you to know that 3 wands are needed to resurrect the Dark Lord.  The catch is that only a bright can wield a wand without dying painfully.  Most brights are elves, but it is possible for a human to be a bright.  Any human, you say?  Even a cynical policeman whose life thus far has shown no indication of any magical tendencies?

Our story doesn’t go along too much further before Ward and Nick encounter a bright with a wand, an elf named Tikka.  Since the wand comes with so much power and is so valuable, the cops decide to kill Nick and take the wand for themselves.  They pressure Ward to go along with this plan, but of course he ends up being just too honorable.

Collateral Blue-ty?  That’s the one Will Smith movie pun I’ve got for this post.

Just when Ward and Nick escape the corrupt cops, they encounter members of a gang who make their intentions clear with incredibly painful street talk.  Ah-eh-eh-em:  “Word on the street, there’s a wand in this ‘hood” and “The wand belongs to the barrio” are 2 shining examples.

Basically, the point here is that everyone wants the wand.  Ward, Nick, and Tikka must dodge all of their rivals and prevent their worst enemy from rising in the form of the Dark Lord.

This, of course, leads to a showdown between our 3 heroes and the evil group of elves who want to bring the Dark Lord back to wreak havoc, destruction, etc on the world.  Who will emerge triumphant?

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

Though it promises a genre-bending thrill ride, this one is sadly forgettable.  Most of the plot feels like a carbon copy of all other police dramas, and it’s too reluctant to fully embrace its weirdness.  The fantasy elements seem tacked on unnecessarily rather than fresh or fun.  That’s one of the biggest disappointments of this film–for such an off-the-wall premise, there’s a distinct lack of fun here.

The social commentary about racism tries really hard, but it doesn’t feel particularly noteworthy, nor half as clever as it thinks it is.  In fact, some of the especially cringeworthy gang stereotypes undermine that message.  I want to give this film props for trying, but it gets a lot wrong and handles things too clumsily for it to succeed.

Additionally, the characters and character relationships fall flat.  I think(?) Ward is supposed to be the grizzled old timer and Nick the wide-eyed rookie cop, but both feel bland and tired.  I guess they’re so boring they deserve each other, but at the same time I didn’t get a sense of a genuine connection between the two.  There’s never a time when the relationship between Ward and Nick shifts, even after facing countless near death experiences together.  Beyond that, the minor characters are pretty uninteresting too, and Ward’s wife and daughter are basically props.

There’s nothing to mark this as a blight to film making; on the other hand, there’s nothing much to remember about this one at all.

Would Christa raise this one from the dead as prophesied or push it down a bottomless pit?  Find out in her review here!

Tangerine, or: Donut Underestimate Me

This month’s theme is Blog Free or Die Hard.  Unexpectedly, our secondary theme for this month is the importance of donuts in friendship.  Girl Asleep and Tangerine don’t have a lot in common…but they do share donuts.

The Film:

Tangerine

The Premise:

Remember that movie shot entirely on iPhones?  It’s also one of the first films to gain wide(ish) recognition for its representation of trans women of color.

The Ramble:

After serving a short prison sentence, Sin-Dee is catching up with her bff Alexandra over a donut on Christmas Eve.  Donut singular as Sin-Dee is broke as a joke after being unable to work for the past month.  Both ladies are trans sex workers in LA, which is a niche but pretty in-demand corner of the market.

Alexandra accidentally lets it slip that Sin-Dee’s boyfriend, Chester, couldn’t even go the past month without cheating on her with a cis white girl.  Enraged, Sin-Dee decides to track down the girl, Dinah, and make her regret the day she was born.

Meanwhile, Alexandra is promoting her event tonight, where she’ll sing at a dive bar.  She invites Razmik, a cab driver and regular client.  Razmik is Armenian with about 8 family members to support, including his wife and young child.

Alexandra agrees to help Sin-Dee find Dinah and Chester as long as they don’t stir up too much drama.  Sin-Dee breaks this promise pretty quickly and heads off on her own to the food line, a motel, and a donut shop–pissing off virtually everyone she comes across.

When Sin-Dee does find Dinah, she drags her to the bar where Alexandra is performing in an effort to multi-task.  Though Sin-Dee and Dinah begin understandably at odds, they do bond over make-up and meth.

Razmik tries to make it to the show but arrives too late.  Hoping to see Alexandra, he tells his family he needs to keep working on Christmas Eve.  Suspicious, his mother-in-law hires a cab driver to track Razmik down and uncover the truth.

In the mean time, Sin-Dee, Alexandra, and Dinah have finally managed to track down Chester.  Razmik has also caught up with our crew, along with his mother-in-law, wife, and child.  It’s all about to go down at Donut Time.

If shit’s going down, it may as well be at a location reliably stocked with donuts.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I tried really hard to like Sin-Dee, but she annoyed me quite a lot throughout the film.  I liked Alexandra a lot better, and the dynamic between the two women made this worth watching–and Dinah makes a surprisingly fitting addition to the team.  Sin-Dee was a bit of an impulsive drama queen, while Alexandra was off in the corner making snide remarks (which I relate to on a fundamental level).

Chester is a total sleaze, but does add some unexpected humor to the film, delivering lines like “You get my ass thrown out of donut time?!” with conviction.  He’s not a likeable character but, like everyone in the film, feels multi-dimensional and real.  I would’ve liked to see him suffer a bit more, honestly (evidence that I’ve become a full-blown sociopath?).

This is a beautifully shot film, and you forget completely that it’s known primarily as the movie shot entirely with iPhones.  The characters are engaging and lively, and our two leads are absolutely the highlight.

Minor point of contention: I don’t remember the title being explained or anyone ever mentioning tangerines.  I’m sure I’m being too literal here, but it drives me nuts that I don’t understand the title.

Would Christa share a donut or two with this one or drag it around town with only one shoe?  Read her review here to find out!