The Humans, or: Family Togetherness

Somehow it’s March, and if that fills you with existential dread, you’ll certainly enjoy(?) this week’s film. Or at least connect to it on a spiritual and emotional level? It’s another free for all/blog free month on the Collab, and it wouldn’t be us without familial dysfunction and a healthy dose of despair.

The Film:

The Humans

Director:

Stephen Karam

The Premise:

Gathering for a Thanksgiving celebration in the youngest daughter’s new apartment, the cracks begin to show in both the building and the family members.

The Ramble:

As the Blake family gathers for the annual Thanksgiving feast, they anticipate a rather minimalist celebration. Youngest daughter Brigid is hosting despite having moved recently to a new apartment in Manhattan with serious boyfriend Richard–so recently that the majority of their furniture and belongings have yet to arrive.

Though the new place is in Manhattan, don’t be fooled: this isn’t exactly the Upper West Side with scenic views of Central Park. Rather, Brigid and Richard have found a place with an “interior courtyard” view, major structural cracks, and water stains that seem to be actively growing.

In the midst of this decay are the family members themselves: parents Erik and Deirdre, hardworking “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” types who are struggling nevertheless. They bring along Erik’s mother, a woman with both physical and mental ailments that have progressed as she’s aged. Brigid’s sister Aimee joins the family as well, though she suffers from ulcerative colitis that has recently taken a turn, seeming to cost her job and relationship with long-term girlfriend Carol.

Both sisters have moved away from Scranton to the big city (Aimee to Philadelphia), which causes their parents some consternation as they fret over the rejection of their values and the unsafe streets of the city. It doesn’t help that Erik and Aimee were actually in Manhattan on September 11, with Aimee interviewing for a law job in the World Trade Center.

As the cracks in familial bonds are revealed, the lights begin to fail, and with no replacement bulbs, the apartment slowly descends into darkness. Dreams and memories seem to be the only things keeping the family together, though these don’t provide a particularly firm foundation. Can the Blakes survive the evening, admittedly in more of an existential sense?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I don’t 100% know what to make of this one. Both compelling and frustrating, it seems to simultaneously draw in the viewer and push us away. There have been some descriptions of this film as horror or even comedy(!?!), but it’s very much an old-fashioned family drama in the spirit of Long Day’s Journey into Night. Fraught family relationships, the impossibility of connection, and an inevitable, slow decline create the film’s bleak tone.

The darkness is in the mundane, the day-to-day lives and relationships of our characters struggling to understand each other and manage their personal grief. There are physical and mental illnesses to navigate, much as Erik and other members of the family believe they are genetically immune to depression. Dread of illness, death, and decay inhabits the apartment, and the slowly encroaching darkness reflects this onscreen. The characters have the impulse to share vulnerable moments and be honest, but secrecy and isolation are the result of many of their choices.

Our film is all about atmosphere, the camera angles from afar distancing the viewer from the family as well as reflecting their own disconnectedness. The slow creep of cracks & water stains are the symbolic decay of the family, the sudden disgust of cockroaches and bodily functions a stand-in for their feelings towards themselves and each other.

There are admittedly times things get a bit heavy-handed & full of hipster nonsense, but the film is extremely effective in evoking an oppressive tone. I find the nuances of the familial relationships and the realistic dialogue well done too. Truly unsettling.

Would my blog wife fix this one up with a bit of joint compound or condemn this property immediately? Read her review to find out!

Skate Kitchen, or: Ollie-oop

I’m not sure too many people are feeling optimistic about 2022–and it’s only day 2. After a wild couple of years, the next one is still looking somewhat unpredictable. Rest assured, the Blog Collab is ticking along like clockwork in our volatile world, and we’ll even go so far as to celebrate the seasonally appropriate theme of new beginnings & adventures in January. Largely for other people.

The Film:

Skate Kitchen

Director:

Crystal Moselle

The Premise:

Recovering from an injury, young skateboarder Camille finds kindred spirits in an all-female skateboarding collective in NYC.

The Ramble:

Teenage Camille is a skateboarder who experiences a major setback when she is badly injured while boarding. All of Camille’s fears about never being able to skateboard again are realized when her mother insists that she never pick up a board again. Which Camille obeys for approximately the amount of time it takes for her stitches to heal.

Following a group of girls known as Skate Kitchen on Instagram, Camille decides to sneak away to meet them at a skate park in the City from her home in Long Island. Getting back on the board after her injury suddenly feels less scary with a team of girls cheering her on amid all of the testosterone of the skateboarder bro crowd. Bonding with kindred spirit Janay and gaining the approval of brash leader Kurt, it’s not long before Camille becomes part of the group.

As Camille learns new skateboarding tricks and techniques, she also learns some things about growing up from her new girl gang. Because of her joint-smoking, makeup-wearing, sexually adventurous group of friends, Camille realizes how useful (and non-deadly) tampons can be, and to beware of the douchebags of the skate park, like Janay’s rather cute ex, Devon.

Spending more and more time at the library, as Camille tells her concerned mother, it’s not too surprising when her cover is blown. Having a huge falling out at home, Camille moves in with Janay temporarily…and then not-so-temporarily. Getting a job as a cashier in the same store where Devon works, Camille is soon hanging out with him and his skateboarding crew, crushing quite a bit. Since the girls despise Devon for breaking Janay’s heart, Camille wisely tells no one. But what will happen when these worlds collide and Camille’s secret is revealed?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Because the majority of the cast is made up of real-life skateboarders (many of whom are part of the real Skate Kitchen), our film feels authentic in its documentary-style approach. The skate tricks are real, the attitudes and passion come across onscreen, and the cool camera shots go on for days. Apparently the original cut was 5 hours long, which I can understand as appreciating the art of skateboarding rarely gets old.

What’s a bit frustrating is that director Crystal Moselle’s actual documentary The Wolfpack was so much more effective, and I can’t help thinking that approach here may have made for a better film. The structure is loose enough and the characters seemingly close enough to the actors’ backgrounds that a genuine documentary wouldn’t have been too much of a stretch. A lot of the semblance of plot is where the film is weakest, honestly, like the really unconvincing Camille/Devon romance.

However, the members of Skate Kitchen are cool enough that it’s fun just to hang out with them for an afternoon & entertain the possibility that I could stay upright on a board for more than 3 seconds (I totally couldn’t).

Would my blog wife allow this one into the skate gang or let it wipe out all alone on a concrete sidewalk? Find out in her review!

A New York Christmas Wedding, or: It’s a Wonderful Alternate Life

With a year as difficult as 2020, we’ve decided to start Christmas early on the Collab. Will we regret this in a couple of weeks? Most likely. However, at the moment it’s a relief to consume stories with endings both incredibly predictable and overly sappy. This week’s pick is no exception.

The Film:

A New York Christmas Wedding

The Premise:

After a chance encounter with a disguised angel, a woman gets the opportunity to reconnect with loved ones she has lost, reconsidering what her New York Christmas wedding will be.

The Ramble:

In Queens, NY, Jenny Ortiz faces a familiar teen predicament: she’s in love with her best friend, who is dating a dirtbag. To make things a bit more interesting, Jenny’s bff is Gabi, an Italian-American girl with a conservative family. Uncertain about her own feelings for her bestie and feeling a bit smothered, Gabi blows off an evening of Christmas decorating with Jenny (which would have provided a convenient time to share true feelings) in favor of an evening with her boyfriend.

Jenny doesn’t handle things well–understandable considering she’s still hurting following the death of her mother. After writing off Gabi (literally), Jenny must live with regret when her bff dies a few months later. The holiday season is never the same again when, years later, Jenny’s father dies close to Christmas.

Unaware of Jenny’s aversion to the holiday, her future mother-in-law has made arrangements for a Christmas Eve wedding. While Jenny claims it’s the sense of loss she feels around the holidays that makes her dread the wedding, it’s clear early on that other issues are at play.

Following an awkward dinner with her in-laws, Jenny goes out for a late-night run, coming to the aid of a cyclist struck by a car. When Jenny notices the stranger, Azrael Gabeson, is unscathed–crisp white clothing not even a smidge dirty–he gives the kind of vague mystical advice that will surely lead to a memorable turn of events.

When Jenny wakes up the next morning, she is astonished to find herself in an apartment she shares with Gabi and their dog. After some confusion, Jenny meets Azrael again, who explains that she has more or less entered a parallel dimension. She has 48 hours to enjoy an alternate timeline in which both Jenny’s father and Gabi are still alive (though apparently Jenny’s mother is SOL).

In this timeline, it’s Jenny and Gabi whose wedding is around the corner. However, this couple has the additional obstacle of struggling to get approval from the venue, the church where Gabi is the choir director. A meeting with Father Kelly (played by Mr. Big from Sex and the City) yields no answers, as the priest’s personal feelings conflict with church decree, which still doesn’t officially recognize same-sex marriages.

After a Christmas Eve feast, Jenny uses the time with Gabi to resolve their fight from decades ago. Surprisingly (but also not surprisingly at all), there may be a Christmas wedding after all. But with Jenny rapidly running out of time, what will happen to her happy alternate timeline life when the 48 hours are up?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Okay, this film has a lot of problems. First, the sort of reverse It’s a Wonderful Life plot doesn’t work because of its own setup. Whereas the 1946 film encourages its protagonist to accept his life as it is, disappointments and all, this 2020 film emphasizes how much better the alternate timeline is than reality. How relatable that message feels at the moment…but it still doesn’t feel like a satisfying moral.

Also, the LGBTQ messages are certainly welcome but lacking subtlety. There are a LOT of scenes and lines of dialogue that feel pulled from an after-school special. What’s more is that these scenes give the audience no credit to connect the dots–always a pet peeve of mine.

And (spoiler/not really a spoiler), there’s a twist in which Azrael is revealed to be Gabi’s stillborn fetus, which I find extremely cringey. Perhaps it’s a consequence of watching too much horror, but the revelation made me immediately concerned Azrael may be seeking vengeance or otherwise up to no good. Being haunted by a fetus strikes me as unsettling at the very least.

Overall, there are way too elements here for a light holiday rom-com, and the amount of death here is much too heavy for the breezy happily-ever-after we get.

That being said, I appreciated watching a film that centers an LGBTQ couple and the experiences of people of color, especially in a genre that’s often painfully white and heteronormative.

Would my blog wife marry this one on Christmas or erase it from existence altogether? Find out in her review!

The Transfiguration, or: You Know He’s a Vampire When…

One of the best films by far of the blog collab has been A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, an Iranian movie about a skateboarding vampire.  If it worked for us once, why not give the modern vampire film another go, complete with gore and some surprisingly beautiful shots of the beach?

The Film:

The Transfiguration

The Premise:

A teen who believes he is a vampire begins to feel remorse about his disturbing behavior when he befriends a teen girl who moves in to his apartment building.

The Ramble:

While on the surface a quiet, reflective teenager, Milo is secretly obsessed with vampires–and may in fact be a vampire.  Based on his own carefully timed schedule, Milo periodically selects an unlucky victim, who he stabs in the neck with a concealed knife and then drinks the blood.  An opportunist, Milo also takes their cash with him and stores it in a secret stash.

Considered a freak in his NYC neighborhood, a group of rather douchey older teens pick on him constantly.  At school, Milo’s counselor seems to be very concerned that he may be hurting animals and has no friends.  Milo lives with his brother, and seems to be concealing some disturbing thoughts and feelings surrounding the death of their mother.

I know what you did last summer…

When Sophie moves in with her abusive grandfather, she bonds with Milo immediately even though her favorite vampire movie is Twilight.  Gaining a reputation as a loose woman, Sophie endures ridicule and finds comfort in cutting herself.  The two outcasts become close, but Sophie backs off when Milo shows her some of his favorite video clips of animals being killed.  I mean, she’s not wrong about that being a giant red flag.

Also being a fan of “Ripping out squirrels’ entrails and feeding them to piranhas” on Facebook could be considered a clue.

Though Sophie and Milo do have a bit of a push/pull, she ultimately moves in to escape her grandfather and stays in watching a lot of vampire movies with Milo.  Meanwhile, Milo continues to give in to his vampiric urges.  All of this seems surprisingly sustainable…which is how you know something has to give.

Relationship goals.

Milo is chillingly successful at containing his feelings, as evidenced by his interaction with a pair of white teens trying to score some drugs.  Assuming everyone in the area is a dealer, they ask Milo if he can hook them up.  Milo agrees to help them, and leads the guy to an incredibly creepy basement room.  Once there, Milo lures his bullies over, where things escalate much too quickly and someone ends up dead.

As a witness to all of this, Milo now holds power but insists he isn’t a snitch.  What will Milo do with this newfound power, and is it enough to keep him safe?  And will his  vampiric thirst for blood ever be quenched?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

The premise of this film is incredibly original, drawing parallels between vampirism and the violence, lack of opportunity, and despair Milo feels.  It’s also wonderfully tense; it’s unclear at times whether Milo loves Sophie or wants to drink her blood, which I guess is at the heart of all vampire films.  Despite the body count Milo has racked up, I couldn’t help rooting for him and hoping for him to put his vampire past behind him and find a way out of his situation with the boys in his neighborhood.

That being said, some of the tension is lost in the very loose plot of this film, and I would’ve liked more action and perhaps a better glimpse into Milo’s thoughts.  Just as he remains quiet and aloof to those around him, Milo remains something of a mystery to us too.  Some of his actions are extremely thoughtful and caring, while others are uncomfortably calculated and detached.  We explore Milo as a vampire–but more importantly, as someone deeply misunderstood and attempting to make sense of grief.

On a side note, I got kind of distracted thinking about when this film was set, as Milo has a collection of VHS tapes, a phone that looks to be from the early 2000s, and uses a computer exclusively to watch video clips that may have been posted on a blog?

Would my blog wife give this one a bite or opt for a burger instead?  Find out by reading her review here!

 

Christmas Inheritance, or: Snow Falling on CEOs

We couldn’t wrap up the current theme properly without at least one heartwarming film about Christmas, even though we’ve overshot by a week.  If this film teaches us anything, though, it’s that Christmas is every day because it’s always in your heart, family is a blessing, season of giving, etc.

The Film:

Christmas Inheritance

The Premise:

A young woman set to inherit her father’s company must return to his hometown to learn a lesson about family, love, and (surprise, surprise) Christmas.

The Ramble:

Set to inherit her father’s company after his retirement, Ellen seems to have it all.  However, after one party stunt too many, she has earned a reputation as the “party heiress,” embarrassing her father and the company alike.  Finally fed up with Ellen’s behavior, her father devises a plan to remind her of the good timey old-fashioned family values of the company.  (On a side note:  everyone keeps referring to the company as a gift company, whatever the fuck that means.)

The company board was composed exclusively of invisible people.

Ellen must complete the annual delivery of Christmas letters to her uncle in Snow Falls, the small town where her father grew up.  To make matters more challenging, Ellen is allowed to spend only $100 while there, and no one can know her true identity as heiress to a company worth millions.

For the first time in her life, Ellen must ride the bus and navigate a town with minimal cell phone reception.  Disaster strikes almost immediately when the almost unbelievably clumsy Ellen loses her suitcase to a taxi cab accident.

The taxi driver, Jake, tries to make amends by giving Ellen a lift to the inn, though they’ve really started things off on the wrong foot.  You can have 3 guesses on who Ellen’s main love interest is here.

Nope, nothing to see here.

Conveniently, Jake also works at the local inn and helps Ellen get a room there.  Less than conveniently, her uncle Zeke is nowhere to be found.  It looks like Ellen will be spending more time than anticipated in the small town of Snow Falls, though she can’t afford to pay for another night at the inn.  Taking pity on her, Jake allows her to stay as long as she fills in for the maid.  Given her previously established clumsiness, this does not end well.

Since Ellen claims to be a baker upon arrival in Snow Falls, she heads next door to the diner instead.  She’ll help Jake’s aunt (Andie MacDowell???) with the holiday baking, but it becomes apparent pretty quickly that she has no idea what she’s doing.  Putting 2 and 2 together, Aunt Debbie recognizes Ellen as Jim Langford’s daughter but agrees to keep her identity secret.  She also reveals Jake’s tragic backstory as a small town boy living in a lonely world.  Oh, wait–that’s almost a Journey song.  Apparently Jake lived in NYC with a stock broker fiancée who left him for a millionaire.  Since then, he’s avoided city slickers and romantic interests of any kind.

Forget baking–let’s go egg all the houses in this town.

Unless he meets a nice lady who helps the homeless, volunteers to share her room with a family during a power outage, and bakes cookies in exchange for donations to a charity auction?  Mayhap?

Just as Jake gets close to Ellen–even showing her the ice sculptures he designed (not a euphemism)–her fiancé Gray arrives in town.  Will Gray’s arrival erase everything Ellen has learned from the charming small-town folks or will she hold onto the true spirit of Christmas?  Just like Hamlet, we’re asking the important questions here.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Predictable, cheesy, and incredibly dependent on stereotypes, this is still reasonably entertaining.  As far as wholesome, Hallmark-style movies about what Christmas really means, you could do worse.  The characters are fine if rather bland.  Ellen is actually fairly likeable as a protagonist even though I don’t 100% understand how her behavior at parties is considered so scandalous or why her father is so upset.  The first thing we see her do is a series of vaults at a charity fundraiser, which I feel is not enough to merit her picture appearing in tabloids all the damn time.  Part of me is also disappointed that she didn’t have to do vaults at the end of the movie to save Christmas.

On an unrelated note, I tried really hard to get beyond Jake having the hairstyle and wardrobe of Donald Trump Jr.’s “just a regular guy who’s into flannel” photo shoot in the woods, but mostly failed.  (You can Google it–no one in that family is ever having their picture featured here.)  He’s likeable enough as a love interest if annoyingly perfect.  I mean, minus the DJT Jr. vibes.

Was my blog wife feeling the small town charm or would she take the money and run?  Find out in her review here!

Putzel, or: Poseidon, God of the Sea

The reign of Melanie Lynskey continues as we come full circle back to NYC after leaving it behind in last week’s film.  Once again, we’re in for a comedy/drama about family because that’s how ML rolls—though this week we get considerably more lox and unexpected guitar serenades.

The Film:

Putzel

Where to Watch:

Hoopla

The Uncondensed Version:

Welcome to Himmelstein’s House of Lox, a family business in the Upper West Side passed down from father to son…to nephew?  Walter, whom everyone in the neighborhood affectionately(?) calls Putzel, fully expects his uncle Sid to pass the business on to him any day now.  He’s built his 40 year plan around owning and operating the store for 40 years and determines to carry on his grandfather’s legacy…which is especially convenient considering Walter fears leaving the boundaries of the UWS.

Walter was also waiting for the family’s telepathic abilities to kick in…

Everything seems to be lining up nicely with Sid and his wife Gilda retiring to Arizona…until our girl ML cruises into the fish store, dishing out impressive knowledge about lox and charming everyone in general with her Melanie Lynskey-ness.  She even scores free fish from Sid, almost unheard of from Walter’s grumpy uncle.

Lox be a lady tonight? (Done, I promise.)

Suddenly everything is falling apart.  Not only does Sid plan to sell the store when he receives an outside offer, but Walter’s marriage also seems to be completely off the rails.  After sleeping with Hector, a neighborhood tough guy(/it was never entirely clear to me what he does), Willa seems determined to end the marriage–just as determined as Walter is to fix it.  Walter now has much scheming to do to keep his marriage problems a secret, stop Sid and ML (Sally) from getting closer, and guarantee the store’s succession.

Predictably, none of Walter’s plans work out the way he expects.  Even though Sid seems inclined to give Walter the store, he’s also more inclined to leave Gilda.  Complicating matters further, Walter is finding himself attracted to Sally because ML is a beautiful goddess.  When their relationship gets serious, Sally tries to distance herself from Walter as she’s always on the road as a dancer.

I’ve always found a staring contest is the best way to establish your authority during a date.

It seems ML has swept out of the neighborhood as quickly as she swept in, but not before both Gilda and Sid figure out what’s been going on.

After a heart-to-heart with Sid about broken dreams and a few fish being thrown in Walter’s general direction, Walter seems to be getting everything he’s ever wanted.  …Right?

The Rating:

4/5 Pink Panther Heads

My review has left out a lot of the awkward humor, genuinely funny dialogue, and sweetness of the Himmelstein family dysfunction.  Walter’s struggle to stay close to his family while no longer allowing their expectations to hold him back feels so relateable, and though the characters are exaggerated, they seem real.  I loved some of Walter’s self-deprecating lines, such as “I don’t want to know myself better, I want to know myself less” at the suggestion of seeing a therapist.

This became a 4 PPH film for me because of a few scenes–a sex scene involving shouts of “Poseidon,” a fight between Walter and a man dressed as a trout, and the scenes Walter shares with his aunt and uncle towards the end of the film.  ML is great in this, of course, and pulls off a compelling but vulnerable character.  The humor is done more convincingly than the moments of emotional depth, and (spoiler) the ending wraps things up a bit too neatly, but it’s still a fun watch that is well-written and features some memorable characters.

Biggest complaint is the missed opportunity for a pretzel shop in consideration of the nickname Putzel.  Perhaps in the sequel?

Does my blog wife find this lox-worthy or would she toss it back in the ocean?  Read her review here to find out!

Tallulah: A Case Study

Hooray for fuck-ups!  At least that’s our theme this month (and let’s be honest—every month.  Every DAY).  This week’s pick is brought to you by Allison Janney and Ellen Page, but mostly Allison Janney.

The Film:

Tallulah

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

Ellen Page steals a baby!  Also Allison Janney is in this.

The Uncondensed Version:

Tallulah (Lu) and her boyfriend Nico have been on the road, living out of a van for the last couple of years.  Things begin to fall apart when Nico suggests they settle down a bit, maybe even marry and have children.  Lu, much more of a free spirit, freaks out a bit, leading to a big fight and Nico’s departure.  With nothing to go on beyond Nico’s brief mention of going home, Lu heads to NYC to find his mom.

Nico’s mom, Margo, is played by Allison Janney (who in fact makes this movie).  In the midst of a divorce, fearing she will be kicked out of university-sponsored housing, and alienated from her son, Margo is not in a good place and not particularly welcoming.

After Margo sends her away, Lu goes to a hotel to scavenge and is mistaken for housekeeping.  An unhappy trophy wife asks Lu to watch the baby, Madison, while she goes on a date.  This woman, Carolyn, doesn’t seem to know the first thing about babies, letting her daughter toddle around naked, claiming she is already potty trained and doesn’t need diapers.

Carolyn is a pretty insufferable character and is accustomed to paying people to do anything she can’t or doesn’t want to do herself, including applying her makeup and putting her shoes on her feet.  She has a bit of a breakdown about how incompetent she is as a mother, but it was really difficult to sympathize.  Possibly because I find it difficult to sympathize, period.

Is it wrong that I’m also annoyed by how perfect her hair is?

By the time Carolyn returns home, she is drunk and passes out almost immediately.  When Madison reaches her arms out to Lu, she takes it as a sign and leaves the hotel with Madison.

The thing that scares me about babies is you never know if they just like shiny things or if they actually intend to choke you.

With nowhere else to go, Lu returns to Margo’s apartment and claims Madison is Nico’s daughter.  Margo agrees to let them stay for a night, which of course becomes longer.

Margo, Lu, and Madison bond a bit though mostly Margo yells at Lu for her complete incompetence as a mother.  We learn a bit more about Margo’s divorce, including the tidbit that she has yet to sign the divorce papers.  After many years of marriage, Margo’s husband came out as gay and left her for a man (Zachary Quinto).  Margo refuses to sign the papers in part because she’s angry that her husband is considered brave after so many years of lying and ultimately breaking up their family.

Why go to a paint ‘n wine class when you can get drunk and make bad paintings for free?

Lu, on the other hand, remains pretty mysterious.  The only thing she reveals is that she was named after a bar in the town where she grew up, and possibly hints that one or both of her parents were alcoholics.  When asked if she was raised by wolves, she responds “I wish.”

Meanwhile, Carolyn is frantic about her missing daughter, partially because her husband has no idea she is in NYC and will never forgive her for losing their daughter.

You know this isn’t going to end well.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I don’t know if I like this one or not.  Allison Janney is amazing in this (duh).  There are moments that are very successful, and I like that it’s very focused on exploring themes rather than plot.

On the other hand, the tone strikes me as very uneven.  It’s a drama, but it has some lighter moments and (almost) a comedy ending.  I also didn’t really buy Margo and Lu’s bond—by the end, it was meant to be very strong, but I didn’t think enough time was spent establishing that.

My mom watched quite a chunk of this with me, and she thought the subtitle should be “A Psychologist’s Case Notes” or something along those lines.  It did seem to be a very clinical study of the characters’ personalities and motivations.

Even though she’s the titular character, I think Lu’s motivations remain the most obscure.  It’s odd that she takes the baby so soon after having a discussion with Nico insisting she doesn’t want to settle down and have a conventional life.  But the movie is all about deception and self-deception, so perhaps these are things Lu does want to some degree.  All of the characters seem to lack clarity regarding what how they’d like the future to look and instead try to replay old scenarios with a happier ending.  Lu may want to create the happy childhood she presumably never had without having to really commit to being a parent or leaning on others for help.

I like the exploration here, but not necessarily the execution.

Would Christa take the money and run or take the baby and…stun (rhyming is hard)?  Find out by reading her review here!

The Foxy Merkins, or: Are You a Women’s Studies Major?

Another week, another big gay film review!

My pick for this week is The Foxy Merkins as it’s Madeline Olnek’s latest (director of Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same, still one of my favorite films I’ve reviewed, and hands down winner of best title on this blog. Probably also best film title, period).

See what Christa thinks of The Foxy Merkins here!

The Film:

The Foxy Merkins

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

Lesbian hooker Jo becomes a mentor to Margaret, who is practically the Kenneth of lesbian prostitutes. Way more 30 Rock references in that summary than I intended.

The Uncondensed Version:

The events of our film unfold in New York City as we follow Margaret, a down on her luck former women’s studies major. Since she can’t find any other work, Margaret has become a lesbian prostitute; however, she’s quite terrible at getting women to pick her up.

It doesn’t take long before Jo, a seasoned pro, takes Margaret under her wing. This is both a blessing and a curse as Margaret could use some help, but Jo is not the expert she believes herself to be. Jo comes from a wealthy family and lives in the bathroom of the Port Authority as an act of rebellion. She gives Margaret advice about going up to women and touching them (which, shockingly, doesn’t go over well) and tells her she is the kind of lesbian other women don’t want to be seen with. Jo is a bit of a frenemy, honestly.

New meaning to the shirt dress.

Case in point: Margaret gets tickets to see the digitally remastered Lassie in theaters (seriously), and Jo gives her pointers on picking up a woman who’s giving her the eye. The end result is the woman crawling on the floor and eating Margaret’s popcorn. Literally. Not a euphemism, you guys.

Meanwhile, there is a bit of an ongoing subplot involving finding Margaret’s mom. When Margaret and Jo look for her in a graveyard, they encounter a man in a trench coat selling merkins (editor’s note: a merkin is a wig for, uh, down there. Maybe you already knew that, but I didn’t. Or if I did I repressed it LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO). So anyway…it’s all coming together, and our title makes sense now.

THIS SCENE, GUYS. PLEASE AT LEAST WATCH THIS SCENE.

Margaret and Jo go back to their usual spot to find clients, standing outside of Talbots. In terms of getting picked up, Margaret is still not having a ton of luck—one woman was interested until she realized the 70% off sign was for Talbots, not her. This seems to turn around a bit when a wealthy woman approaches Margaret, asking her to meet her at a particular hotel within the hour. As it turns out, this woman’s fetish is being busted by the police, so she hires men to come to the room and arrest Margaret. Poor Margaret doesn’t realize all of this is a setup until Jo tells her. Understandably, she feels a bit betrayed.

Every screencap makes me realize I’ve failed to mention more witty dialogue. To be fair, this film is 85% witty dialogue.

Later, Margaret recognizes the woman as a Republican Congresswoman. Jo reveals she “accidentally secretly” recorded Margaret with the Congresswoman and wants to sell the tape to CNN. This is a major dick move, as Margaret expresses her discomfort with the idea of becoming rich and (in)famous because of a sex tape.

Though the plot is not really the point of the film, I’m going to leave you in suspense about what happens with the sex tape and Margaret’s growing feelings for Jo. There is some excellent dialogue where both plot points are concerned.

The Critique:

Much like Codependent Lesbian Space Alien, this film is driven by message and character over plot. Both films use sort of a documentary style, and a lot of the comedy is based on the awkwardness of the characters and dialogue.

There are a lot of nice comedic touches, like Margaret and Jo always have to compliment the cleanliness and general appeal of their client’s homes. And I HAVE to mention that when Margaret rejects payment in the form of a Talbots gift card, the client tells her, “Every other time I’ve been to a lesbian hooker, they’ve accepted a gift card to Talbots.”

I think Codependent was a bit more successful as it was more bizarre and had more likeable characters. In Codependent, even Zylar, who was a total player and broke one of the other alien’s hearts, was still likeable and funny. However, in Foxy Merkins, Margaret was basically the only decent human being. Jo was funny but also sort of terrible in contrast to how sweet and genuine Margaret was.

Still another solid film from Madeleine Olnek. I did some searching, and apparently girl just got a Guggenheim Fellowship…I hope that means she’s making a shitload of films.

The Rating:

 3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I think Codependent Lesbian Space Alien is a bit more quirky and fun to watch, but this is still worth seeing. Make it your mission to watch Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same.

Find Christa’s review here!

In other news, someone searching for “moon nazis are coming” found my blog (Iron Sky was the first film I reviewed for this blog). DREAMS DO COME TRUE.