Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Hush, or: A Day No Cats Would Die

Just in case every other horror movie in existence hadn’t given you second thoughts about finishing your novel in a secluded cabin in the forest, this week’s pick will give you another reason to just stay home and watch Netflix instead.

The Film:


Where to Watch:


The Premise:

In the most realistic/least fun kind of horror, a creepy dude in a mask terrorizes a novelist living alone in the woods.

The Uncondensed Version:

Maddie is a writer who lives alone in the woods.  Having lost her hearing at the age of 13, she’s used to the silence if not the solitude.  Though having second thoughts about her recent break up, she does have a friendly neighbor, Sarah, to keep her company.  She also has a cat because what else do single ladies in the woods do.  Heroically, Maddie has named her cat Bitch, which is probably the most fitting name for a cat I’ve ever heard.

A woman smiles and gives a thumbs up sign, her eyes extremely wide.
Not the last or worst set of crazy eyes in this film…

Things get really real after Sarah leaves Maddie’s house, interrupted by the arrival of Creepy McCreep-face in one of those hideous featureless masks.  Though Sarah screams for help and tries to get Maddie’s attention, Maddie hears nothing.

The Creep manages to slip into the house unnoticed and creepily lurk while Maddie is Face Timing with one of her friends.  He seems really determined to drag this whole thing out while being as creepy as possible—Maddie only realizes she’s being watched when he sends fucking creeper pics of her from Sarah’s phone.  Twisted, dude.

Oh, and his weapon of choice?  A goddamn crossbow.  I swear to god, if this is what Game of Thrones hath wrought, is it really worth it?  Is it???

A man with a crossbow stands outside of a house, wearing a white mask.
Please can we just agree to not be creepy fucking assholes?

Anyway, to further terrify Maddie, the Creep cuts off the power and punctures the tires in her car.  She tries to write him a message that she hasn’t seen his face and won’t call the cops…so he promptly takes his mask off to make it clear he intends to kill her.

Maddie decides her best bet is retrieving Sarah’s phone from her body, which the Creep uses to mess with her.  Now armed only with a hammer and kitchen knife, Maddie needs to distract the Creep for long enough to search Sarah’s body for the phone.  Maddie uses the car pretty ingeniously, but of course this doesn’t work out as planned (we’ve still got an hour to go).

A woman in a dark house stands in a kitchen, holding a knife and claw hammer.
I’ve got one hand in my pocket and the other one’s wielding a claw hammer…

For the next chunk of the film, we have a sort of bait and switch with Maddie coming up with plans to escape and the Creep managing to keep her trapped.  Both sustain some pretty gruesome injuries with equally disgusting sound effects.

This continues until John, Sarah’s SO (boyfriend?  Husband?  Too minor of a character for me to care?) shows up to figure out where she could be.  John is annoyingly slow to catch on to what’s happening, which I attribute in part to the actor also playing Anders in BSG, the single most idiotic character on that show.  However, John does catch on eventually and gives Maddie a chance to escape.  But does she???

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Largely because I don’t have any way to produce an objective rating for this one.  It did what it said on the tin, i.e. scared the living daylights out of me and raised my blood pressure for a solid 80 minutes.  It was horrifically disgusting in places and ruined any chances I had of ever deciding to go live alone in the woods.  Damn it, humanity–this is why we can’t have nice things.  The ending is somewhat clever in the way it turns around Maddie’s disability and uses it to her advantage (oops–spoiler?).  However, a lot of it was just torturous to watch and made me want to outlaw those fucking featureless masks every goddamn horror creep favors.

Is it worth staying in a creepy cabin for this one or would Christa shoot it with a crossbow?  Find out in her review here!

Blogging University, Writing

Writing 101: No

Okay, guys.  Here’s the deal.

Writing 101 seemed like a really good idea at the time…but I forgot how much I hate other people telling me what to write/how to spend my free time.

Write an open letter to someone?  Write a life update in the form of a coffee date???  Coffee date is the lowest form of dating, is it not?  It says, essentially, “I want to avoid any confusion about who’s paying for what and completely dodge the possibility of having to pay for a fancy dinner.  Also I want to be able to get the fuck out and not have to wait for the check in case things go horribly, horribly wrong.”

Even if this is a casual coffee meet-up…I’m sorry, I’d rather be watching Netflix.

So I’ll play along and update you on my life, but I’m not pretending I’m anywhere besides sprawled on the couch with my kitten Bertha Mason.

What’s going on?  Not much, just freaking out about starting a new job in less than 2 weeks.  You know, going from 3 jobs in the past year (simultaneously for a much longer period than I would’ve liked) to one full-time university library job. I’ll be a supervisor for the first time ever, and it makes me want to run away and hide.

When good things happen to you, do you immediately wonder how long it will take for you to utterly fuck everything up? Do you suspect that someone must have been blackmailed to offer you this position and feel you are really not worthy? I’m positive this is a feeling everyone gets, but I’m equally confident that feeling like the most irrational/neurotic human being ever goes hand in hand with this state of mind.

On the bright side, I got this excellent piece of jewelry that I’m never taking off.

Day 10 Image