Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews, Uncategorized

Planet of the Sharks, or: Damn Dirty Waves

The shame consumes me as, at least for the purposes for the blog collab, we forgot about the most important summer holiday:  Shark Week.  Better late than never?

The Film:

Planet of the Sharks

Where to Watch:

Amazon Prime

The Uncondensed Version:

This one is a SyFy original giving the all-important shark genre a dystopian setting and topical global warming commentary, so you know it’s going to be good.

In the future, humanity has fucked up…to the utter astonishment of no one.  Predictably, people waited until the entire surface of the Earth was underwater before coming up with constructive ways to combat global warming.  As a result, people live in giant floating cities primarily constructed from recycled debris.  Not an ideal situation to begin with…but it’s about to get better when we throw swarms of sharks controlled by electromagnetic pulses into the mix.  Seriously.

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Never volunteer for look-out duty in a shark-infested dystopian planet.

For whatever reason, we follow the sole survivor of a shark attack that wipes out her, er, city(?) when the double whammy of sharks + random explosions strikes.  I think we’re supposed to feel at least some sympathy for this girl, but it’s difficult to even remember her name (which I don’t) when she has something like 2 lines of dialogue in the entire movie.

After this girl is saved when the closest floating city sees a distress flare, scientists try to determine what is happening and how it could impact their current project.  So you’re aware–their current project involves launching a rocket into the atmosphere to destroy the C02 that has led to global warming.  One rocket is supposed to reverse decades of C02 emissions and pollution that has flooded the entire goddamn planet…?  Rather irritatingly, there’s quiet a lot of science-splaining that pretends to be smart but is really just spewing a bunch of nonsense.

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Obviously the main thing lady scientists do is stand around looking sweaty.

So anyway…the lead shark glows for some reason and is able to control the rest of the sharks for human destroying purposes.  This has the power to doom humanity completely as any chance of launching a miracle C02 blasting rocket could be in jeopardy due to shark attacks.

The scientists try to recruit the help of the largest floating city around, Salvation, to defeat the sharks and launch the rockets.  Unfortunately, their leader is too much of a badass to believe her city could be taken down by sharks.  Her indeterminate but vaguely Creole accent is distracting, but her one-liners more than make up for it.  Even though I don’t condone the killing of sharks, she’s a bit of a hero, uttering with complete confidence lines like, “I find it hard to believe an entire flotilla could be taken down by sharks,” and “We got some…sha-waks to keel…”

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Shark-kabobbed.

Since it’s been only about 20-30 minutes at this point, I think you can guess whether sharks or humans win this round.  However, the scientists, the girl, guy who looks a bit like a pirate, and cringey comic relief dude have a chance to regroup and restrategize.  Their brilliant plan?  Lure the sharks to an underwater volcano and then make it erupt.  For real.  Goodbye, humanity.

Color me surprised when this rock-solid plan suffers some unexpected complications.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

It’s no Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark, but there are definitely some moments I really enjoyed here.  The characters are largely forgettable, but some of the women demonstrate moments of badassery and pretty entertaining one-liners.  I probably should have given them more attention, but I seriously cannot remember any of their names.

The last half of the film is way slower and decidedly less shark-centric.  There is SO MUCH discussion of the damn rocket, and all of the pseudo-science drove me insane.  While I acknowledge the point of this movie was to fill time and sell ads on SyFy, it still irritated me that global warming was a plot device explained with nonsense that probably does more harm than good.  What hath SyFy wrought?  Will we grow up with a generation that sincerely believes launching a single rocket can solve global warming???

Overall, I was hoping for a more deliberate Planet of the Apes parody (I would KILL to see talking land sharks enslave humanity) rather than just a catchy title that has little to do with the way the film unfolds.  However, this film checked off some major boxes:  sharks, women with spears, volcanoes, and inexplicable explosions.  I can live with that.

Would Christa rule the planet of the sharks or let it all go under?  Find out here!

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Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews, Uncategorized

Ghost Shark, or: Goin’ Fishin’

It’s the last week of Shark Month on the blog, and I’m both sad and relieved.  No one is meant to endure as many consecutive shark movies as Christa and I have this month.

The Film:

Ghost Shark

Where to Watch:

This one is actually somewhat difficult to find!  I can’t find evidence of it ever getting a US release on DVD.

The Premise:

The titular ghost shark materializes along the beach of a coastal town.  It’s a good thing sharks are confined to the ocean…right?

The Uncondensed Version:

You know how you can plan a trip down to the last detail, but at a certain point you are inevitably going to get tired of your playlist/audiobook/video selections?  And from there you will just go off in a completely different direction that won’t be fun no matter how hard you try?

Yes.  This movie.

Like almost every other shark movie this month, we can thank an incredibly insensitive fishing crew for unleashing the shark’s wrath upon humanity.

Two crew members, angry at having lost a contest, use guns, crossbows, and finally a grenade to kill a great white shark.  Just because they’re angry?!!?!  These people have to be rage addicts because that is not a reasonable reaction to being angry.  Definitely on the shark’s side in all of this.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand who are the shark’s next victims?  Teens partying on the beach, of course.  And the old voyeuristic lighthouse keeper who watches them.

One of the first people to go is the girl playing the role of stereotypical teen bitch, aka the one floating on an inflatable pool raft in the OCEAN.  Is that a thing people do???  Ghost shark seems to favor jumping out of nowhere and biting people in half.

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Surely there are safety concerns, regardless of whether a ghost shark is haunting the waters.

Don’t worry—the police are on this, trying to explain the translucent shark as being a trick of sunlight reflecting on it(?).  As the crazy old lighthouse keeper warns, the shark has been sent to make everyone pay for their sins.

Priorities, though:  one of our main teens is nervous that now no one will come to his pool party.  Inevitably, this is not the case, and the pool is so full of teenagers that you know (even before learning some of the screwy rules of being a ghost shark) that a certain trick of the light phantom with many teeth will crash the party.

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This actually looks rather well thought-out for being a teen pool party.

Other highly improbable victims of the ghost shark:  a plumber working on the pipes under a kitchen sink, a child on a shark slip ‘n slide, and a teen girl at a car wash.  Yeah.

The teens decide to team up with the old lighthouse keeper for reasons that make increasingly less sense until…

Halfway through this movie it’s revealed that there’s all of this mythology surrounding the shark.  Like basically Roanoke happened but with a ghost shark.  And of course exorcising the shark requires some kind of dark magic-type book which has conveniently disappeared.

The law also gets involved, uttering classics like “Get your gear.  Goin’ fishin’,” and “I don’t want revenge; I want justice.”  FROM A FUCKING GHOST SHARK.  What does it even mean to get justice where a shark is concerned???  That’s a concept a shark just isn’t going to get.

Honorary Emmy for overacting goes to the lighthouse keeper, who just really commits to repeatedly losing his shit throughout the course of this film.

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

In contrast to the previous shark month selection, this is pretty bloody.  Which is perhaps the only shark movie box this one manages to check.

I got bored with this because the plot was so choppy, I didn’t care about any of the characters, and there was absolutely no logic to the existence or attacks of the ghost shark.  The shark was a ghost but required water to materialize?  But not a large body of water since even setting off sprinklers could allow it to begin a murderous rampage…  And what even created the ghost shark—nature’s thirst for vengeance?

I have so many questions that are destined to remain unanswered.

On a side note, the way this movie was shot makes it seem like it’s going to become a porno at any moment.  Just me?

Bonus:  Check out this Vulture article, which also features much higher quality screen caps than this post.  What can I say, the copy I found wasn’t the greatest quality ever.

You already know where to find another great review of this Shark Month feature.  Would Christa exorcise this one or take it to the car wash?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark vs. My Self-Respect

Just last week I had a bad movie crisis of conscience, asking Christa “Have we become bad movie snobs?” when we weren’t overly impressed with Sharknado.  However, I think this week’s Shark Month offering (could that phrasing be more confusing?) irrefutably proves we have not risen so far above our movie station that we can’t enjoy a film about a giant prehistoric shark fighting a manmade mechanical one.

The Film:

Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

When a Megalodon emerges to terrorize the world’s oceans (for apparently the 3rd time), humanity uses a mechanical shark submarine to fight back.

The Uncondensed Version:

As in Sharknado, there’s virtually no build-up to seeing the titular Mega Shark, which doesn’t bode well, right?  I didn’t think so either.  Our opening scene concerns the most pretentious asshole sea captain ever playing chess and quoting Charles Bukowski to his first mate(?) and seemingly only other crew member.  They are hauling a huge iceberg to Alexandria because of a drought (I swear to god).  Unbeknownst to all involved, the iceberg contains…A MEGA SHARK (spoiler).  Or Megalodon, a word that people impressively use A LOT (or perhaps that’s a commentary on how low my standards have fallen).

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That was a long paragraph.  I feel you deserve a picture.

So anyway, immediately following ONE Megalodon attack, all countries of the world unite, and intercontinental travel is banned.  Is a Mega Shark attack REALLY what it takes to bring the world together???

In another surprising move, there’s no build up to the Mecha Shark or montage of it being built.  We cut straight to Rosie and Jack, who have been preparing to use the Mecha Shark to protect the world from Megalodon.  Rosie uses Mecha Shark’s Siri, aka Nero, to pilot the ship.  Shark.  Whatever.  You may believe Nero will go all Terminator and try to destroy humanity, and you may not be entirely wrong.  It’s never a good sign when a computer program insists you say please.  Jack, meanwhile, provides mission control-type support.

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What we need’s a montage…

Jack may be the wisest bad movie character ever—he reminds Rosie not to get cocky because that’s when mistakes happen.  He also tells the insane Navy dude to, I don’t know, NOT put nukes in the Mecha Shark.  And then everyone proceeds to say a bunch of scientific shit about alloys as they build a stronger, better, faster shark.  Because science.

Btw, insane Navy dude is kind of a douche.  He insists Rosie pilot the Mecha Shark before Jack can install Nero, who would of course play a vital role in finding and destroying Megalodon.  Jack is not thrilled about this, but is still pretty damn adorable, telling Rosie she could pilot a Rubik’s cube (which I honestly don’t understand, but I’m not mad).

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I, ahem, “ship” them so hard.  Get it?  …Ship…?  (Not sorry.)

Unsurprisingly, this first attempt to defeat Megalodon fails.  Though to be fair, they do fucking torpedo the Mega Shark, and it accomplishes NOTHING.  I feel it would have been a challenge to see that coming.

If at first you don’t succeed in destroying a Mega Shark, try, try again.  After convincing insane Navy dude to let Jack install Nero, Rosie attempts unsuccesfully to kill the shark.  This goes on for a little while with the loss of several ships yet almost a complete absence of bodies/gore(?!).  What kind of shark movie is this, anyway??!

Finally, after consulting with a blonde scientist who may have been a minor ‘80s pop star, Rosie and Jack learn that Sydney was a Megalodon breeding ground in the past.  Rosie heads to Sydney with the Mecha Shark for one final confrontation with the Megalodon.

AND, as predicted, Mecha Shark becomes sentient and tries to kill all humans (sort of).  It’s a classic man vs. shark vs. mecha shark story.

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On a side note, has there been a Nazi shark attack movie?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I KNOW.  I FEEL CONFLICTED ABOUT IT TOO.  But this was undoubtedly one of the better bad shark movies we’ve watched.  I actually cared about the characters and nearly lost my shit every time it seemed like Rosie was dead (which was a lot).  Btw, Rosie does a lot of the work and is in dangerous situations much more frequently than any of the men in this film, which is such a rare treat in a bad movie.

Rosie and Jack made the most believable couple of any bad movie I can think of, and I worried for most of the movie that one of them would die (which was a refreshing change from hoping the sickeningly sweet movie couple will die painfully).  The two of them bicker quite a lot but support each other unwaveringly.  Jack is possibly the only male character in a bad movie who doesn’t need to constantly prove his masculinity by punching a bear or saying really chauvinistic punchlines.  He actually had a few lines that made me lol…INTENTIONALLY.

As for the effects, I didn’t think they were the worst.  I didn’t feel like they were recycling the same footage over and over again as I did at times in Sharknado.  If you’re looking for a gory bad horror, though, this isn’t it.  The most blood I remember seeing was when Rosie got a cut on her forehead.  For all intents and purposes, the Megalodon just seems to want to fuck with people—we never once see him dismember a surfer or crush anyone’s skull.  I’ve got to say, I can relate.

Was Christa also pleasantly surprised or did she want to destroy all humans after this film?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Shark Month: Sharknado

Shark Month continues with a modern classic!  Christa’s pick, so we can finally cross this off the bad movie bucket list.

The Film:

Sharknado

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

Words fail me.

The Uncondensed Version:

Right off the bat there’s a surprisingly strong environmental message…?  The sharknado seems to be an almost direct response to a sea captain bragging about killing 20,000 sharks to sell and boastfully declaring, “Sharks should be afraid of us.”  (And I’m pretty sure most of them are.)  Oh, and global warming.  Also global warming.

Since this is a shark attack movie, we see what befalls the first victims of the sharknado, followed immediately by California beach party scenes.

Our main protagonist, Fin, is a surfer dude who also owns a bar/restaurant.  It seems Bikini, whose actual character name (Nova) I had to Google, actually does most of the bartending while he gets his surf on.  Btw, Nova also has a gigantic leg scar, but she doesn’t like to talk about it.  Dramatic foreshadowing:  she also doesn’t like to talk about sharks.

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SHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARKSHARK.

So anyway, Fin is out doing his surfer thing when the sharknado rolls in.  It’s a hurricane made of sharks in case that isn’t clear.  Comprised of the exact same clip showed on a loop at repeated intervals throughout this film.

Fin is a bit of sleaze and apparently is irresistible to all women, including Nova as well as this random surfer lady.  After failing to save the surfer, Fin turns to his friend Tasmania, whose actual character name I can’t be bothered to Google.  He’s from Tasmania.  I never said I give particularly creative nicknames.

When the hurricane/sharknado begins in earnest, Fin closes the bar.  But it’s too late and, exactly like that scene in the diner from The Birds, the sharks begin attacking the building.

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EXACTLY.  LIKE.  THE HITCHCOCK CLASSIC.

Between the hurricane and the sharks, Santa Monica is decimated.  Even the Ferris wheel.  Points lost for not using Savage Garden’s “Santa Monica” anywhere in this movie, which got stuck in my head every time someone said Santa Monica.

Fin, Nova, Tasmania, and Bar Creep who is one of the most loyal regulars all manage to survive.  Their plan?  To find Fin’s ex-wife, Tara Reid, and their daughter to make sure the family is safe.

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What have I done with my life?

But our team will have to contend with flooding, sharks on the streets, sharks in houses, sharks on cars…you can see how the novelty of sharks being in bizarre places where they could never survive in real life wears off pretty quickly.

That will either appeal to you or it won’t.  Suffice it to say the brilliant plan our crew comes up with is dropping a bomb in the sharknado.

Yes.  I just typed that sentence.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I just don’t get why there are 3 of these (soon to be 4).  The characters are all painfully irritating, and it doesn’t matter to me at all when any of them die (or even make a surprise comeback).  We don’t even get a crusty sea captain stereotype and, as far as I’m concerned, there’s no point in even having a shark movie without one.  They try to add some character depth to Fin, struggling to be present in his children’s lives, and Nova, overcoming the trauma of her shark attack, but it all falls so flat.

The majority of those 3 stars are for the name, which is on par with Raiders of the Lost Shark (truly one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.  Worse than Monkey’s Paw in terms of production values).

At this point I know I’m just nitpicking, but it’s unclear to me what exactly the sharknado is and why it happened.  Was the hurricane part of the sharknado?  Did it CAUSE the sharknado?  Should I stop searching for logic in this film???  (But also, how would the sharks survive for that long in a tornado??!?!)

Weirdly, 12 Days of Terror was way better.  Again, I need to be more consistent with my ratings because I gave this the same rating as Sabrina, Down Under, which isn’t fair to Sabrina.

Would Christa drop a bomb on the swirling bloody mess that was this movie or become one with the sharknado?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews, Uncategorized

12 Days of Terror, or: Torpedo Is the Only Possible Explanation

Sadly, Shark Week is officially over, but in the true spirit of taking things to an unnecessary extreme that no one really wanted, this blog collab officially recognizes July as Shark Month.  What could possibly be more American than that?

I stand by my decision to start out the month with—I kid you not—a made-for-tv shark attack period drama.  It’s as glorious as it sounds.

The Film:

12 Days of Terror

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

According to the trailer, this movie is based on true events that happened in 1916 off the Jersey Shore, which also sort of inspired Jaws.

The Uncondensed Version:

We follow Alex, a strapping young lifeguard who seems to be metaphorically floating along without much thought for the future.  It’s clear pretty quickly that Alex is still really into Louise, his friend Stan’s fiancée (and, coincidentally, former girlfriend of Alex).  Because wedding shit is apparently super important, Louise and Stan have ulterior motives for visiting Alex—Louise absolutely must make a decision about the color of the flowers on the wedding cake.

Early clues that Alex is sweet but not the brightest:  he picks GREEN flowers because they match Louise’s BROWN eyes.  WTF, dude?  Green flowers are just suspicious, aren’t they?  Esp. on food.

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Why were green flowers even an option to begin with?  I am NOT letting this go.

Anyway, this film gets right to the point because after about 10 minutes of exposition, the moment we’ve been waiting for happens—SHARK ATTACK.  We’re just not sad at all, though, as the victim was this overly confident upper-class twit.  Alex immediately jumps in to save the man, but the shark already took a big enough bite for the first life to be lost.

Commence the frustratingly oblivious officials and politicians who will dominate the inaction of the remaining hour and 15 minutes of the film.

Even though Alex insists the man who died was a victim of a shark attack, there is literally no other logical human in New Jersey, so no one believes him.  It is, ahem, “scientific fact” that killer sharks don’t swim near the shore, and they’re not aggressive towards humans.  Besides, President Wilson is just about to visit the small beach town, which no one wants to jeopardize.  Plus there are many business interests involved that would be hurt if anyone admitted the beach might not be safe.  So nothing happens and, in fact, the prime suspect in all of this is a stray torpedo, it being WWI and whatnot.  DUDE, can you even hear yourself???

It really blows to be Alex at this point because the only person who takes his side is a drunk old sea captain/mentor who gives advice like “If ever your dog got hold of a chicken, you’d have to shoot it.”

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Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…fish…grog…sea beasties…

However, what can he do besides keep calm and lifeguard on?  Alex continues working and biting his tongue.  That is, until one of the other lifeguards falls victim to the shark, yet the official reports keep denying the existence of aforementioned shark.  This move is widely frowned upon, and even Stan says Alex looks like a coward for quitting his job.  Dammit, Stan.  Remember the war’s out there.

Now that Alex doesn’t have a lot to do except feel bad about all of his life decisions, he joins up with the sea captain to basically build a fence that will keep the shark away from the beach.  Yeah, good luck with that one.  The whole construction of the fence is actually quite impressive, though, as there’s absolutely no snorkeling gear involved.

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It was an almost impossible choice for the captain to declare a winner of the wet t-shirt contest.

Things seem to be going okay until the shark makes its way up a creek, where there are children swimming.  The captain yells at the boys to get out of the water, and do they fucking listen?  I’ll give you a hint:  they’re boys.  Stupid, stupid boys.

In an effort to save the boys, Stan jumps in to the water, which you can imagine isn’t going to end well.  After things take a turn for the bloody, Alex is out for revenge.  …Against the shark.  Clearly.  Because that’s a language sharks understand.

Either way, the last few scenes of the film are actually quite tense and emotional.  I think you’ll end up feeling sorry for the people as well as the shark unless your heart is made of stone.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

It’s really difficult to go wrong with a shark film, even (especially?) a made-for-tv period piece based on true events.  I unabashedly enjoyed this one even though it’s really annoying to (1) watch so many fuckheads go into the water even with repeated warnings NOT to and (2) see all of the so-called experts claim there’s no possible way the attacks could’ve been the work of shark despite an increasing amount of evidence supporting exactly that point.

Alex was so sincere (and, ahem, didn’t look at all bad whilst emerging from the ocean) that I couldn’t help wanting him to succeed.  But being the only sane person amidst cripplingly incompetent assholes can boost your likeability factor immensely.

Did Christa jump on board with this or does she prefer to deny its existence?  Find out here!

Full disclosure:  I had to stop halfway through this and watch Jersey Shore Gone Wilde clips because of the number of times characters said “Jersey Shore.”  Zero regrets.

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

3-Headed Shark Attack, or: Pollution Did It

I really missed B movies.  This week we’ve got mutant sharks, pollution, underwater research labs, and Danny Trejo.  Largely picked because of Danny Trejo and some guy who spells “Jaason” with a double a, as well as Christa’s evil influence (obviously).

The Film:

 3-Headed Shark Attack

Where to Watch:

Netflix (US)

The Premise:

I…I really feel the title tells you everything you need to know about this one.

The Uncondensed Version:

It’s a movie about a shark attack, so obv open scene on a bunch of drunk college kids partying on the beach.  Not even 2 minutes in and there are boobs, so I hope you’re comfortable with looking at boobs.

Actually, this is a very boob-centric film as the first tragedy happens because 2 dudes make a bet with a girl to get her to take her top off.  We only get a glimpse of this woman without her bikini top as she becomes the titular 3-headed shark’s first victim in a rather unconvincing display of special effects.  It should be noted that though the shark is aquatic, it can become a land shark in extreme circumstances.

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Om nom nom.

Meanwhile, in an underwater laboratory…but seriously.  There’s basically an entire office building underwater that serves as a base for a group of marine biologists, one of whom conveniently wears only a thong under her wetsuit.

The new intern, Maggie arrives, and it transpires she and one of her colleagues, Greg, used to date in college.  Everyone just sort of stands around uncomfortably while Greg tells Maggie how great she looks.  Okay, but even on underwater research labs there must be some semblance of professionalism, right?

You know this film is about to combine heart-stopping action with environmentalism when alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the scientists start talking about 1 in 5 specimens having horrible pollutant-induced mutations.  Even though they are inside of a giant underwater research lab the whole time.  I question how environmentally responsible such a structure is.

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What the actual fuck is their research???

Apparently these fish are the canary in the coal mine as they can sense when the 3-headed shark is approaching, which tips off the scientists that something is majorly wrong.

Our main crew is able to escape, but of course there’s that one douchebag who just insists on getting a closer look at what he believes is a whale.  WORST MARINE BIOLOGIST EVER.  After snacking on the scientist, the shark takes a Godzilla turn and begins destroying the underwater research lab.

After getting their first good glimpse at the shark, the lead scientist exclaims, “I’ve never heard of a giant 3 headed shark either, but I guess all bets are off at this point!”  Most of the dialogue is pretty much on that level.

Bad news:  the crew is now stranded on a flooding island with no means of escape.  And no one knows where the hell the Coast Guard is in this.  Eaten by 3-headed shark???

The crew is forced to make a daring swim to the scientists’ boat, which only a few will survive.  If at this point you’re thinking “Where the fuck is Danny Trejo?” don’t worry—we all are.  But we finally hear his voice when he responds to the crew’s distress calls, which are somehow going to DT’s fishing boat rather than the Coast Guard (the fuck?).  They ask DT to come help ASAP since the shark is now headed towards a party boat, which is a bit fucked up, esp. as they have no clue it’s even Danny Trejo on the other end of the line.

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“Time to fuck up this 3-headed shark” face.

The scientific explanation for the shark following the party boat is the pollution is “making it insane.”  Our team wins some and loses some during the party boat attack.  All of this, of course, is leading up to a showdown between Danny Trejo and the 3-headed shark.  DT exclaims in Spanish a lot, which apparently needs to be translated (like seriously “Madre de Dios” gets translated), shoots the shark, runs out of bullets, and proceeds to attack it with a machete.  If I might add, all of which is stashed in his, ahem, “fishing boat.”

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For once, I have nothing to add.

 

After this battle, the nightmare is over…or is it???  Let’s just say the shark now has super regenerative pollution powers.

This all leads to a plan for the shark to…literally eat itself alive.  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

This was fun to watch and there were some reasonably well-known cast members, but 3 is the highest rating I’m comfortable with.  Mostly because I’ve cursed myself by trying to maintain a consistent rating system.  Not bad for a B movie, though I don’t think this is destined to be a classic on the blog.  And I still don’t get where the Coast Guard was in all this.

Perhaps what’s most impressive is that this is Maggie’s first day at work and she knows the names of and cares about all of them.

Is Christa on board this party boat or would she sacrifice it to a mutant 3-headed shark?  Find out here!