The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot, or: A Yeti Falls in the Woods

We’ve had some classy period dramas on the blog lately–a phenomenon I greatly enjoy, though it seems high time we got back to our bad B-movie roots. Sam Elliott, Hitler, Bigfoot: it’s like this week’s film was made for us. …Or was it?

The Film:

The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot

The Premise:

The man who killed Hitler is recruited for a mission to the wilds of Canada in the 1980s. Spoiler: it involves Bigfoot.

The Ramble:

Calvin Barr (Sam Elliott!) is a gentle man who keeps to himself with the exception of the adorable golden retriever always by his side. His only hobbies seem to be drinking alone at the local bar and sitting at home, listening to the hum of voices on the TV. Who would ever guess he’s…the man who killed Hitler and then the Bigfoot?

As a young man, Calvin enlisted in the US army to serve in WWII. Gifted with languages, incredibly skilled in carrying out missions, and quite good at remaining calm in oddly intense shaving scenes, it doesn’t take long before Calvin is recruited for the ultimate top secret mission: killing Hitler. Though he recognizes the necessity of his actions, Calvin abhors violence and murder, making him a rather conflicted man.

When he enlisted, Calvin left behind his schoolteacher girlfriend, Maxine–the love of his life and woman he keeps trying to propose to(!). After the war, Calvin isn’t allowed to communicate with Maxine or his family for…reasons. I wasn’t paying the most attention ever, but it was incredibly unclear to me why Calvin couldn’t return home or write to his loved ones. Either way, it sucks, and Maxine can’t wait around forever when her mother falls ill back home.

In the present day (some time in the ’80s?), Calvin prefers to be alone and stay out of trouble. His only remaining family is his brother Ed, though the two aren’t particularly close, largely because of Calvin’s standoffish nature. Rather disillusioned with the whole idea of heroism, Calvin rejects FBI agents who want to recruit him for a mission to essentially save the world.

The scenario in which the world needs saving happens when Bigfoot is unleashed on Canada, carrying a disease that stands to wipe out humanity. Unless Bigfoot can be tracked down and killed, the U.S. Army will nuke Canada, taking out a chunk of both countries and probably devastating the world. As the only surviving person immune to the disease, Calvin is Earth’s last hope.

Of course, Calvin comes around eventually, but by no means enjoys his role. Though he tracks down Bigfoot fairly easily, his prey is resilient and tricky. Bigfoot manages to do quite a lot of damage to Calvin in a dramatic fight–will the man who killed Bigfoot also be the man killed by Bigfoot?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

As promised in the title, this is indeed the story of the man who killed Hitler and the Bigfoot. However, I feel the title implies a certain level of campy fun, senseless violence, and/or terrible special effects, but it fails to deliver on any of this.

This is more of a character study, which is fine considering the character is played by Sam Elliott (accompanied by the cutest dog). It feels quite a lot like a Western too, given Calvin’s ambivalence towards heroism, status as a legend and rugged loner, and old-fashioned sense of honor. There’s an element of romantic drama here as well–but like all of the other genres this film falls into, it almost gets there but never quite works as any of these stories. It’s rather disjointed and feels like several unrelated stories.

It doesn’t help that the supporting characters are so pointless. Admittedly, it’s virtually impossible to measure up to Sam Elliott, but these characters are so 2-dimensional it hurts. Maxine is ridiculously boring, the FBI agents are aggravating, and even Calvin’s brother Ed isn’t particularly memorable. Standing ovation for that dog, though.

Would my blog wife wander ruggedly around with this one or kill it like it’s Hitler (and Bigfoot)? Find out by reading her review here!

If 10th Kingdom Had Been Made Today, It Would Have Been a Viral Sensation

The cancellation of Community.  Airing the American version of Prime Suspect.  The inexplicable, enduring popularity of Friends.  There have been so many NBC decisions I’ve found unacceptable from a cultural and personal standpoint.  Perhaps the one I will carry to my grave is the failure of the 2000 mini-series 10th Kingdom to gain traction–or to get the fucking sequel it deserved!

10th Kingdom was a fantasy/adventure show based on the premise that fairy tale characters live in another dimension and occasionally cross over to our world.  When the great-grandson of Snow White arrives in New York to escape his evil stepmother, waitress Virginia and her father Tony decide to help him.  As they are transported to the fairy tale kingdoms, all Virginia and Tony want to do is get home, but trolls, dwarves, wolves, and huntsmen stand in their way.  Will our heroes win out against evil schemes or is happily ever after a thing of the past?

It’s been close to 20 years since the show first aired and, rather than move on and become a productive member of society, I will cling to this injustice and air my grievances in the form of a blog post with a rather click-baity title, as internet conventions dictate.  (Internet conventions probably dictate that I tweet about this, but I just can’t.  Word limits cannot contain me!)

In honor of this series, which will forever live in my heart, let’s examine some reasons this timeless classic still deserves a second part…and some ways it maybe hasn’t aged so well.  Prepare for lots of SPOILERS ahead.

10 Reasons 10th Kingdom Deserves to be a Viral Sensation with a Million Sequels

1. The cast!  Holy shit, the cast is incredible here.  Dianne Wiest, Rutger Hauer, Ann-Margret, Warwick Davis, Camryn Manheim, Siegfried from All Creatures Great and Small…I could go on!
2. Once Upon a Time borrowed so many pages from this show’s formula.  Should we not reward it for actually being creative and not just a vehicle for Disney to further expand its empire?  Whereas OUAT took itself overly seriously and cranked up the angst, 10th Kingdom was always fun to watch and wove together different fairy tales much more seamlessly.
3. Dianne Wiest!  I know I already highlighted the cast, but Dianne Wiest as the Evil Queen is everything in this.  She’s incredibly calculating, cold and thorough as a villain.  Yet I deeply relate to her schemes to turn more people into adorable golden retrievers and poison all of her party guests.  GTFO, everyone.  Also, true story:  I used to quote her lines to telemarketers in the days before caller ID.
   
4. Camryn Manheim as curvy Snow White — a casting decision that certain corners of the internet would still find offensive to their sensibilities.  In addition to being gorgeous, this Snow White is wise AF, and her spirit just kind of hangs around ice caves dispensing advice?  I’m on board with that.
5. The dog!  One of the main characters is turned into a dog fairly early on, and he’s so so so cute!  The dog is ridiculously well-trained to cover his face with his paws, stand regally on his hind legs, and throw side-eye.  I’m not even a dog person and I’m obsessed with this dog.
   
6. The landscape — quite a lot of this series was shot in France, Austria, and the English countryside, and it makes for some gorgeous scenery.  The series could’ve just been our main characters wandering around Europe for 7 hours, and it still would’ve made for a decent show.
7. Wolf’s mannerisms — probably one of the reasons I loved this show so much as a pre-teen was Wolf’s behavior:  closer to a puppy than a garbage 2000s man.  Boys, who needs ’em?
   
8. The swears!  I was sooooooooooooo cool that “what in the fairying forest?” and “suck an elf” made it to my regular rotation (at least in my internal monologue).
9. The theme song!  It’s so very early ’00s, and I’m here for that.  You can call it cheesy all you want; I know full well it secretly gives you goosebumps.
10. It’s just fun!  Admittedly this is maybe a reason 10th Kingdom wouldn’t work today; it’s much more committed to being a fun romp than getting overly dramatic and serious.  As much as I love a gritty drama, I appreciate the sweetness of this show and dedication to world-building that’s not always there in a sci-fi/fantasy show.

10 Things That Are Problematic AF about 10th Kingdom

1. Lack of characters/actors of color — admittedly this problem hasn’t gone away, but the issue in 10th Kingdom becomes more pronounced in light of the increasing number of shows today written, directed by, and starring people of color.  The only characters of color are trolls, which is…uh, not a great look.  I also want some LGBTQ fairy tale characters in this.
2. Jokes about women’s issues — when Wolf is on trial for murder, the argument Virginia sets up in court implies the victim was asking for it.  There’s a lot to unpack here surrounding victim blaming and rape culture.  There are also a few times when Wolf’s monthly transformation is compared to menstruation and it pisses me off.
3. Representation of the Roma people — literally the only thing they’re here to do is tell fortunes and put curses on people.  It’s such a stereotypical representation (which probably wouldn’t be any different today, honestly) and most of the actors just appear to be vaguely Italian.
4. Tony — I don’t even know where to start.  First of all, when he’s given 3 wishes, the first one is to enslave his boss’s family, and he feels totally fine hitting on his boss’s wife, who is hypnotized to believe she’s his slave?!??!  SO FUCKING PROBLEMATIC.  His character in general is insufferable in a ’90s sitcom dad kind of way, and he causes like 95% of the issues our heroes encounter.
   
5. The special effects are so bad.  Like, even for the time they were bad.  The human/dog transformation stands out as especially horrendous, but there are also some pretty tacky effects when certain characters are invisible or speaking through mirrors and other reflective surfaces.
6. Virginia’s wardrobe!  Seriously, skirt + hoodie has never been a thing, so no early 2000s fashion excuses!  As a side note, it also feels extremely dated that Virginia is this sad loser who still lives with her dad at 21 since this seems to be much more common than not today.
   
7. The overacting — in particular, there’s a scene in which people are being poisoned that just hurts to watch.  And not because I feel pity for their plight; I just really want the cringey over-the-top acting to end.
8. The weird sexual vibes — there’s a scene where Virginia is petting Wolf’s tail that I just don’t get (I mean, I do, but I wish I didn’t).  Also, there’s an awkward amount of attention given to Virginia being a virgin.  Wolf is a virgin too, but that gets so little time compared to the fuss that’s made over Virginia’s lack of sexual experience.
9. No dragons!  This might not be as glaring if the series didn’t have an entire subplot based on finding Dragon Mountain where THERE ARE NO ACTUAL FUCKING DRAGONS.
10. The singing ring.  This is absofuckinglutely unforgiveable.  Virginia receives an engagement ring with a pearl that SINGS about true love in an incredibly aggravating falsetto.  This is a dealbreaker as far as I’m concerned, though probably a really good way to annoy the fuck out of your coworkers.

    

    FUCK YOU, YOU SMUG LITTLE MOTHERFUCKER.

In spite of its flaws, in my heart I still feel 10th Kingdom deserves a sequel or at least some form of atonement for its vague, cliffhanger-y ending.  If we live in a world where Zoolander can get a sequel 15 years later that no one asked for, who’s to say it won’t happen for a beloved fantasy series with a sprawling, multi-talented cast that’s overly fixated on the sexual experiences of its characters and not quite as subversive as it thinks it is?  HBO, are you listening?

What TV cancellations have left you emotionally devastated and in all likelihood changed the course of your life irreversibly?