Totally Killer, or: Hack to the Future

Masked killers, improvised time travel devices- plot elements unheard of for the 1980s. Shockingly, given the amount of nostalgic content popping up in every direction, these elements haven’t been brought together into a coherent film narrative. …Until now.

The Film:

Totally Killer

Director:

Nahnatchka Khan

The Premise:

Decades after a masked killer terrorized her mom as a teenager, daughter Jamie tries to change the course of events with the power of time travel.

The Ramble:

It’s been 35 years since a masked serial killer terrorized the small town of Vernon. As his victims were a group of 16 year olds, the murderer was dubbed the Sweet 16 Killer. The murders remain unsolved, though a thriving tourist industry, podcast, and other money-making schemes have cropped up.

On the anniversary of the killings, teen Jamie is looking forward to a concert with her bff, Amelia. Her mother, Pam, a teenager during the attacks, worries something will happen despite the self-defense classes and pepper spray she’s armed her daughter with. In a twist of fate, Pam stays home alone and is murdered by a masked man. Could it be the Sweet 16 Killer has returned, or a Scream-style copycat has emerged?

With no likely suspects, the police begin to suspect Jamie’s dad, Blake (TBH, this is the only thing I agree with the cops on given his sketchy past on Riverdale). Though since it’s a small town, everyone’s petty grudges and rivalries are at play–including those of the sheriff. When the masked killer goes after Jamie, she hides in the time machine Amelia has been working on (obviously). Of course, the time machine works perfectly, and Jamie is transported back in time to the night of the first killing. Can she solve the mystery and stop her mother’s murder from ever happening?

Making it to 1987, Jamie is in for a bit of a culture shock in terms of acceptable behavior. She’s astonished to discover her mom is part of the school’s most popular clique of queen bees, frequently putting down and bullying others. Despite Jamie’s best attempts to warn the high schoolers about the murders about to unfold, they make all of the worst mistakes of ’80s horror teenagers.

Jamie’s choices seem to be changing the future in subtle ways. Can she change things enough to prevent the murders from happening to begin with?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

IDK, for whatever reason I only enjoyed about half of this. It’s a fun setup, but it consistently chooses to make references to Back to the Future and ’80s pop culture over doing anything particularly interesting with the premise. The tone is odd as the film begins with a violent murder & then takes the approach that time travel can solve everything in a rather unsatisfying way. Even some of the comedic moments towards the end of the film are more uncanny than anything–the changes Jamie unintentionally causes are meant to be silly but would genuinely freak me out if they were suddenly part of my life.

I also don’t think the comedy elements work very well because the film doesn’t really solve one of the problems it sets up: the troubled relationship between Jamie and her mom is just sort of erased? There are so many plot turns & other characters packed into the runtime that this relationship isn’t explored particularly well. And it’s not particularly satisfying that her mother Pam is the one who experienced the terror of the masked killer yet Jamie is the one to solve it. Some of the tension & potential emotional investment is lost that way.

On the bright side, stylistically this looks good & Julie Bowen gets a really badass fight scene.

Would my blog wife relive the ’80s–short short gym uniforms and all–for this one or let it have a stab or two? Find out in her review!

Eyes Without a Face, or: Face/Off

*Spoilers follow*

Did you know that, all this time, the Billy Idol song was referencing a French/Italian horror film from the 1960s? And by referencing I mean repeatedly bringing up the film’s name in English and French throughout the chorus. Honestly, the actual subject matter of the song has very little to do with the movie’s whole involuntary face grafting focus…which is probably for the best.

The Film:

Eyes Without a Face

Director:

Georges Franju

The Premise:

A surgeon is determined to restore his daughter’s appearance through skin grafting after she suffers disfigurement in a car accident–whether he can find willing donors or not!

The Ramble:

Driving down a dark, windy road on the outskirts of Paris (is there any other kind?), it’s helpful to have some kind of poker face while going about your misdeeds. Unfortunately for Louise, who is casually dumping a young woman’s body in the Seine, it’s pretty clear she’s up to no good. But, as it turns out, it’s actually kind of easy to throw a body into the Seine late at night unquestioned.

It’s soon clear that Louise isn’t acting alone. Dr. Génessier, a leading expert in the field of skin grafting, has radical ideas about future developments. However, rumor has it he hasn’t been the same since the disappearance of his daughter. Oh, how true this turns out to be.

After the body from the Seine is located by the police, Génessier is called in to the morgue as it’s suspected the body is his daughter’s. Allegedly the victim died by suicide…though is missing her entire fucking face, basically. Génessier confirms the body belongs to his daughter, who was recently disfigured in a terrible car accident.

Following the funeral, Génessier returns home to–TWIST–his daughter, Christiane. Having failed in the most recent skin grafting experiment, Génessier vows again to basically fully replace her face. In the mean time, Christiane wears a mask to cover the extent of the damage.

As part of his experiments, Génessier needs a continuous supply of young women’s faces, who Louise helps lure to his rather dungeon-like (of course) medical lab. Christiane seems to be aware of this yet ambivalent.

Though Génessier finally succeeds in his experimentation, it seems like his days of carving up faces are over. …Or does the work truly end?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I admittedly may have missed some things, but the film doesn’t necessarily live up to its rather sensationalist premise. Much of the commentary could have been delivered more effectively. There are some hints at a feminist angle connected to beauty, the irony of Christiane being able to see herself without recognizing her identity, and the failure of the law to protect vulnerable young women. The police more or less terrify one of the young women they interview into undercover work that nearly gets her killed.

The most interesting element of the film is the psychology of the characters, but this remains largely unexplored. I would have liked Génessier’s guilt to drive him in a more transparent way, rather than characters occasionally making remarks about it. Louise feels like the least explored character, as she plays the role of loyal assistant throughout without much investigation of why she’d be willing to serve as an accomplice in some rather gruesome crimes. Is it me or are there some lesbian undertones to her interactions with the young women she lures to their deaths?! Christiane has the potential to be one of the film’s more psychologically rich characters, though we don’t get as much interiority as I would like. She seemingly undergoes a change in perspective, but it’s not overly clear how or why.

In spite of this, the film’s ending is extremely well done & appropriately Gothic. There is finally an answer to all of the forces that have kept Christiane trapped: the emphasis on a young woman’s appearance, her dependence on wearing a literal and metaphorical mask, the schemes of her father and Louise. It’s quite chilling that institutions fail & even intentionally harm, as Génessier uses the respect given to his status as a doctor to conceal his crimes.

I wish I’d found the rest of the film as haunting as its final scenes.

Would my blog wife be up to swap faces with this one or would she mercilessly toss it into the Seine? Read her review to find out!

Good Boy, or: Puppy Love

If anything, the film output of Norway reminds me that the people of Scandinavia have seen things & likely experienced horrors. That feels the best explanation for how quickly and dramatically things must escalate in a Scandi film. And, in this case, how they must take place while one character is dressing like and ostensibly living the life of a dog.

The Film:

Good Boy

Director:

Viljar Bøe

The Premise:

After meeting her dream guy on a dating app, a college student learns that he’s hiding a secret about the man living with him as a dog.

The Ramble:

Things are going to end so well in horror land when our protagonist starts scrolling through matches on a dating app. Student Sigrid is very keen to meet fit, good-looking Christian IRL. Though he’s a bit socially awkward, Sigrid is willing to set that aside based on his knock-off Justin Bieber looks & status as a millionaire who has inherited wealth. Christian doesn’t do much, apparently, besides cook, work out, and spend time with his dog, Frank.

After spending the night with Christian, Sigrid realizes the dog is very much a human who dresses as a dog, engaging in puppy play. Upon learning this, Sigrid does as much backing away slowly as she can while semi-clothed in a stranger’s house. After talking things through with contender for worst friend in film Aurora, Sigrid decides to be a bit more open-minded about Christian’s living arrangements.

Shortly after reconciling, Christian invites Sigrid on a weekend trip away. To fully focus on each other, Christian proposes they go phone-free. Sigrid is happy to go along with this until Frank reveals during a walk that he’s being forced to live as a dog against his will. He tells Sigrid the only way to be free from Christian’s reign of terror is for her to kill him.

It’s going to be more difficult than expected for tightly wound perfectionist Christian to let his guard down. And is he the kind of person who knows the exact number of knives in the kitchen & monitors this closely? Of course he is.

The Rating:

2.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Is it me or do you immediately suspect the good-looking millionaire of murder even outside of horror settings? I didn’t find the twist of Frank being coerced into living as a dog particularly shocking as Christian skeeved me the hell out right away. Though honestly the film didn’t do enough to convince me that Christian’s abuse made Frank too terrified to act out…but still actively scheme to get him killed.

If I had to unpack this film a bit, I would imagine there’s a lot to do with the power and allure of wealth. Does the power dynamic shift and become coercive when one partner can use their wealth to motivate others’ behavior? And as poor students & workers trying to make our way in the world, will we overlook troubling behavior patterns as long as we’re getting fed and taken care of?

I could have stood a greater exploration of some of these ideas, and less of an uncomfortable feeling that the film was using a giant magnifying glass to stare at the freaks.

Would my blog wife give this one a treat or send it to its room for jumping up on guests? Find out in her review!

El Conde, or: Put My Tender Heart in a Blender

*Spoilers follow*

I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is the first film of the blog about a military dictator’s secret identity as a vampire. There have definitely been some Nazi zombies, on the moon, and robot monsters. It’s about time some other murderous dictators got their representation as creatures of horror. This week’s film is all about Pinochet.

The Film:

El Conde

Director:

Pablo Larraín

The Premise:

Augusto Pinochet, secretly living as a vampire years after his supposed death, no longer enjoys his existence. When his children arrive for a visit, bringing along an accountant, everyone seems to have an ulterior motive.

The Ramble:

ICYMI, Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet is a 200-year-old vampire who faked his own death and is living out his existence in the countryside. Hailing from France, Pinoche was a soldier in Louis XVI’s army until the French Revolution made it expedient to blend in with the peasants. Witnessing the end of the monarchy by guillotine, Pinoche vows to dedicate his undead existence to the noble(?) pursuit of quashing rebellions around the world.

Tiring of life as a soldier, Pinoche ultimately shifts gears to become General Pinochet in Chile, overthrowing the president & becoming a military dictator. When international authorities press in too close, Pinochet fakes his death and retreats with his family. The problem is that Pinochet no longer has much of a will to live, and can’t even be bothered to chomp on a few necks every now and then.

Pinochet’s wife Lucía is troubled by her husband’s state, though she’s carrying on an affair with his long-serving vampire butler, Fyodor. Meanwhile, Fyodor seems up to shenanigans of his own as he dons Pinochet’s military uniform before prowling around at night, ripping out and eating the hearts of victims–or blending them up into a smoothie.

Concerned about the erratic behavior their father seems to demonstrate, Pinochet’s children return home to intervene. Of course, their motivation is largely to determine where the bulk of his assets are secretly stashed. They also suspect he may need to be exorcised, so obviously they go with the 2-for-1 hire of a nun pretending to be an accountant.

As schemes are brought to light and quickly unravel, who will be alive or undead when all is said and done?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

This film has got ambience and style for days. I absolutely love the premise, and both beginning & conclusion are extremely well done. We say this a lot on the blog, but there is GORE in this film. Between vampiric activity and violent revolutions, there are some grisly deaths and so many organ meat smoothies that you get worryingly desensitized to them.

Major spoiler: the revelations about Margaret Thatcher as (a) the film’s narrator, (b) a vampire herself, and (c) the mother of Pinochet are all brilliantly done. I strongly appreciate the film’s incredibly dark sense of humor in contemplating the horrors of Pinochet’s rule & the ways Europe, the States, the legacy of colonialism all interconnect.

Why such a low rating then? Honestly the film doesn’t live up to its concept much of the time. There are a LOT of lulls that reveal problems with pacing. Pinochet and his family members have so many conversations with the nun/accountant about various bank accounts that made my eyes glaze over. These conversations are all very core to the film’s message, but nevertheless fairly dull. I wish MT’s big reveal had been much earlier on in the film & we could have skipped some of the messy, uninteresting interpersonal dynamics.

I’m going to be thinking about those raw blood & heart tissue smoothies for a long time, though.

Would my blog wife come out of hiding for this one following her fake death or send it right to the guillotine? Read her review to find out!

The Witch: Part 1 – Subversion, or: Would You Like a Subtitle with That Subtitle?

If I had special powers, I’d like to think I’d do something beyond…make a microphone levitate on national television. But I can’t guarantee I’d do anything more exciting than have my gutters clean themselves or random bits of string disappear when my cats try to eat them. What can I say? Like the protagonist of this week’s film, I’m not the carefree youth I once was.

The Film:

The Witch: Part 1 – Subversion

Director:

Park Hoon-jung

The Premise:

A young woman who escaped a horrible experiment years ago draws unwanted attention when she competes in a singing contest.

The Ramble:

Fleeing from a secret and super ethically questionable research facility, a young girl covered in blood manages to successfully avoid her pursuers. The researchers running the experiment believe she won’t survive, even though she’s decimated the lab as of about 10 minutes ago.

Spoiler/not really a spoiler, the lab is running experiments to create children with special abilities. When the girl, Ja-yoon, arrives on an elderly couple’s farm, she manages to lead a fairly normal life…until around 10 years later.

After around 10 years, Ja-yoon, who is good at virtually everything, lands an opportunity to try out for a TV singing competition. Her bff Myung-hee is thrilled at the prospect of being the manager to a potential overnight sensation, though Ja-yoon is strictly in it for the prize money. Her family is struggling to keep the farm afloat, and both Ja-yoon and her mother are experiencing major health problems.

During her appearance on the show, Ja-yoon impresses the judges with both her singing voice and special talent–though she claims to perform magic, she actually shows off her telekinetic powers. This is enough to alert the shady lab researchers of her existence, sending rival factions after Ja-yoon’s trail.

Forced out of hiding, a gang of super-powered assassins after her is the last thing Ja-yoon wants…or is it?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

IDK, I just wasn’t feeling this for whatever reason. Very likely because my brain literalized the witch part of the title & expected way more witch action. The superpowers weren’t particularly witchy or even exciting. It’s also kind of boring that Ja-yoon is good at literally everything she attempts, removing a lot of suspense.

The plot isn’t too interesting to me either, as the teen girl assassin plot has been done to death. Rather than a cool twist, we get a somewhat predictable one, and the film overall relies too much on repetitive fight scenes. No one’s motivations are very well laid out, and I didn’t catch or wasn’t paying enough attention to understand why the experiments were so important to begin with & then contain.

The best character by far is Ginmeori, who is very much a villain with minimal screen time. Her impatient eye-rolling and midair hair tosses give the emo fight club energy missing from almost every post-2010 action film. No one else is particularly memorable or worth rooting for, in my opinion.

Would my blog wife award this a gold star in a singing competition or walk away with a telekinetic mic drop? Find out in her review!

Blood Quantum, or: Zombie-fied…for a White Guy

Despite feeling a bit zombie-d out, I can’t resist a creative premise. This week’s film zooms in on a zombie outbreak impacting an Indian Reservation, though with a twist. And even though it’s not quite Halloween month, we consider September merely pre-October…so the twists will be of the spooky & sinister variety.

The Film:

Blood Quantum

Director:

Jeff Barnaby

The Premise:

When a zombie plague breaks out in 1980s Canada, the residents of an Indian Reservation discover their immunity…if not necessarily their safety.

The Ramble:

We’re off to an ominous start in 1981 when recently deceased & gutted fish begin flapping about on a Canadian Indian Reservation. It’s a bad morning all around, as Red Crow sheriff Traylor is called to take care of his ex wife’s dog, who has been fatally injured. Adding an extra layer of complication is Traylor and ex Joss’s son, who was arrested along with his brother.

Ticked off with his sons, Traylor decides to let them sit in jail a bit longer while he responds to a call from his father. This is a decision he will regret as this is where Traylor discovers (a) the zombie fish and (b) his ex’s undead dog. Father and son are ultimately able to stop the reanimated creatures only by burning them until they are thoroughly charred.

When Traylor finally makes it to the jail cell to bail out his son, the situation has also deteriorated. A fellow inmate has become violent, going so far as to attack and bite Joseph. Vowing to make better choices, Joseph goes to visit his pregnant girlfriend, who is considering an abortion.

Meanwhile, Traylor has bailed out his other son, Lysol–very much the black sheep of the family. There’s a lot of bad blood there, as Traylor was a father much too young & didn’t take responsibility for Lysol until his mother died unexpectedly. As a result, Lysol resents the hell out of everyone with a pulse.

While the signs of a zombie plague become increasingly evident, the residents of the Red Crow Reservation realize they are immune. Despite multiple bites, those who have a blood quantum–a significant percentage of Native American ancestry–manage to dodge the nasty zombie side effects. However, this isn’t enough to avoid the collapse of society as we know it, or being eaten alive by zombies after human flesh.

Flashing forward 6 months, life has changed significantly on the Reservation…though the troubled family dynamics and long-simmering conflicts have yet to fade. Is the greatest threat from the zombies outside of the barricades, or from those already within the fortress?

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

I absolutely love the premise, and there are some really great moments in the film–particularly in the beginning. The commentary of a zombie outbreak that only indigenous people are immune to is inspired. And while I can’t say this is the only film we’ve seen with zombie fish, it’s by far the most effective (sorry, Aquarium of the Dead). Michael Greyeyes as Traylor is compelling, and it’s hard not to root for him, flaws and all.

Unfortunately, the film doesn’t follow through as effectively as I’d like. The time jump initially seems promising, but honestly leads to the plot falling apart and generally making for uninteresting viewing. None of the character motivations make a lot of sense from here on out, and Lysol in particular is one dimensionally evil. There are a number of family dynamics that remain unexplored, partly because there are too many characters. All of the teens and twenty-somethings as a whole are pretty boring, and I would’ve much rather had more time with Traylor, Joss, and his father (and Bumper, the unsung chainsaw-wielding hero of the film).

My favorite moment by far is the reaction all of the indigenous characters have to a white guy demanding shelter at the Reservation screaming obnoxiously, “Speak English!” Along with all of the chainsaw bits.

Would my blog wife shelter this one or burn it up like it’s a zombie fish? Read her review to find out!

Perpetrator, or: He’s Just Kirk

It’s been a bumpy ride, this year of 2023. Much like the Collab itself, though, you can’t keep these bloggers down for long. Or for no more than a few months, anyway. As necessary as the break was for some down time, much like Whoopi Goldberg, I’m so excited to get back in the habit. Particularly as September is basically a trial run of October (with the very beginning of fall foliage season), aka the best month on the blog.

The Film:

Perpetrator

Director:

Jennifer Reeder

The Premise:

After being sent to live with her aunt, teenager Jonny experiences creepy goings-on in a new town where teen girls are regularly disappearing.

The Ramble:

Ominously, a significant number of teen girls have been disappearing in the town where Jonny has been sent to live. As Jonny is constantly in trouble and her dad–by his own estimation–needs to get his shit together, Jonny must stay with her aunt Hildie in a creepy old house. Hildie phenomenally pulls off witchy aunt who suffers no fools, all while dropping hints about the significance of Jonny’s upcoming 18th birthday.

Strange things happen both in and outside of Jonny’s new school, a district that has responded to the disappearing girls with self-defense training and intense active shooter scenarios led by the principal himself. This is relatively mild compared with Jonny’s birthday, an event marked with cake & the projectile vomiting of blood.

Hildie reveals to Jonny that all of the women in the family receive special gifts when they turn 18; Jonny’s seems to be an extreme version of empathy. Meanwhile, girls continue to disappear, the town’s authority figures spiral into paranoia, and Jonny finds herself in scenarios both strange and horrific when she begins her own amateur sleuthing.

Will Jonny figure out what’s happening in her own life & to the disappearing girls…and how these may be more connected than she knows?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

There’s not a lot in terms of coherent plot; honestly, things get a bit messy and disjointed. However, the atmosphere, the strange characters, and the absurd sense of humor all significantly elevate our film. Alicia Silverstone steals every scene as Hildie; she seems to be channeling Morticia Addams and Sabrina’s Aunt Zelda–and having fun doing it.

I absolutely love the way things conclude in the film, but the inconsistent plot makes it challenging for it to feel like the payoff to a big buildup. There are characters who surface towards the end of the film seemingly out of nowhere, and to little effect. Similarly, there are characters who are forgotten for large sections of the film, so the relationship building isn’t always impactful. And I could’ve stood at least 50% more scenes with Hildie, honestly.

In the words of the town’s only(?) police officer, “What is bad can always get worse.” And this could be better from a narrative perspective…though could have been much worse.

Would my blog wife hide this one from the cops or bake its heart into a cake? Find out in her review!

Sharkenstein, or: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger U-boat

Sharks and Pride–impossible to choose between them, no? We thought so too. Instead of a coherent theme, this July we’ll surprise you with sharks or LGBTQ films…or both?! If our perfect film does exist somewhere out in the universe, we’ll feature it, never you fret. My sneaking suspicion is that someday we’re just going to have to write & direct a gay shark B movie. With some werewolves and mermaids thrown in too.

The Film:

Sharkenstein

Director:

Mark Polonia

The Premise:

Decades after the end of WWII, a lone Nazi scientist attempts to finally bring to life a creature who can bring about a new world order: Sharkenstein.

The Ramble:

Hooray for English literature, because apparently Frankenstein’s creature is the key to victory in WWII. For the Nazis…? Unfortunately for the German scientist conducting this research, it’s not an SS-approved project, so it’s not long before some, er, authentically accented Nazis catch on, demanding all materials be handed over. I’m definitely not going to choose sides with the morality at play here, but the scientist refuses to give his research to the Nazis because they’re butchers. Meanwhile, he’s been keeping brains in jars, hacking apart corpses and sewing little bits of them back together.

With the experiments confiscated on a U-boat, underwater explosion would actually be a somewhat creative origin story for Sharkenstein…but let’s not aim too high on the plausible explanation front.

Jump ahead 70+ years, and a statistically high number of beach goers at a small seaside town are going missing quite regularly. Investigating the suspicious events is harbor patrolman Duke Lawson, who decides to make himself the natural enemy of sharks (sadly, more or less verbatim). Had this film been released just a couple of years later, this character would almost certainly be a parody of Joe Exotic.

Meanwhile, a group of college students head to the beach, undeterred. As usual, the backwards baseball cap bros of horror lead us astray while exasperated Madge casts doubt on the wisdom of their plan. The group spends all day relaxing on the water, only encountering trouble when the boat engine gives out & they must swim to an apparently abandoned island.

…Abandoned, of course, except for the Nazi scientist who is still trying to make Sharkenstein a thing. Honestly, it’s a reasonably Nazi-ish pursuit. And sometimes it does feel we’re just one Sharkenstein away from a revisit of the Third Reich.

With the spring breakers recruited to bring Sharkenstein to its full potential, what horror will be unleashed upon the world? Or somewhat inconvenient & not particularly convincing shark pastiche, anyway.

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

Did I enjoy this? Not a whole lot. Was this the worst film we’ve seen? Not even close. I will say for a premise so deliberately outlandish, the film remains fairly dull throughout. Even though we have a mercifully short runtime on this, it felt like a major accomplishment just to make it to the credits. As a minor spoiler, we have not only a Frankenstein-ed shark, but a Frankenstein-ed shark that gets hit by lightning and becomes an even more monstrous LAND shark. And yet I remained unmoved.

A couple of notes:

• I didn’t mind the mad scientist, though he could have been a bit more exaggerated
• Worst German accents I have heard on film. I’m not going to claim expertise in German pronunciation, but I can tell you an important part of the word “schnell” is the soft “ch” sound.
• One of the college students looks around 40…but he’s got that backwards baseball cap on, so clearly could pass for 20.
• The only line that I got a chuckle from involved an iron gate swinging shut, and one of the college students asking in alarm “What was that?” To which the response was, “Sounded like an iron gate closing.”

Too much shark, not enough Stein. Or perhaps the other way around.

Would my blog wife resurrect this one in the name of science or sink it before it can become a land shark? Read her review to find out!

Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader, or: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Serum

Another month of B movies has come and gone, which may be for the best. For now. What happens when you try to build a franchise that no one asked for using special effects that hurt to watch? This movie, apparently.

The Film:

Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader

Director:

Kevin O’Neill

The Premise:

After injecting herself with an experimental serum, a college student becomes more attractive and confident…and 50 feet tall.

The Ramble:

All nerdy Cassie dreams of is carrying on her mother’s legacy by making the cheerleading squad at the fictional Iron Coast University. Unfortunately, Cassie is more at home in the ambiguously defined science lab, lacking the moves and the confidence to cheer.

Cassie takes things a bit too far after declaring she’ll do anything to be a cheerleader, injecting an experimental serum without hesitation. The serum has made its test subjects appear more youthful and attractive, though has the unintended consequence of uncontrolled growth…upwards of 50 feet.

Now made over into a beautiful cheerleader, Cassie goes through hazing rituals with ease, catching the eye of a bro-y quarterback and filling in when another cheerleader is injured (following an attack by a giant spider…more on that later).

To her lab partner Kyle’s dismay, Cassie continues to grow while expressing zero remorse for injecting the life-changing serum. However, obstacles arise in the form of mean girl Brittany injected with the serum and an ex-military team charged with capturing Cassie for the…science company?

Whatever happens next can’t be more important than Homecoming or big enough to disrupt such a significant event in college life…right?

The Rating:

1/5 Pink Panther Heads

I just don’t think I can sign off on a film this male gaze-y. There are so many gratuitous topless scenes that clearly exist for the audience’s pervy benefit; the fight complete with commentary between Cassie and Brittany is especially egregious. Uncomfortably, Cassie’s mom is watching the entire exchange, and her only commentary is to encourage her daughter to kick butt. Guessing Mary Wollstonecraft isn’t on the curriculum at this school.

It’s troubling when the original 1950s film Attack of the 50 Foot Woman looks like a feminist masterpiece in comparison with this. Though that’s a frustrating film, there’s at least some messaging that gaslighting and otherwise emotionally abusing your wife isn’t going to end well for you. Here we mostly have boobs and gross comments about erections.

To give this some credit, I like Cassie’s emo roommate Jett? But there’s honestly not much credit I can give the film beyond this.

Would my blog wife lend this one a shirt or keep everything all hanging out? Find out in her review!

D-Railed, or: Trains in a Lake

Snakes on a train, demons in the bingo hall, suspected Nazis in a séance. It’s absolutely a B-horror month on the Collab, and true to the spirit of camp, this week’s pick samples heartily from way too many, uh, train cars? If you’ve ever wanted about three times as many genres than you’ve gotten from a film, you are probably the one and only audience member the creators had in mind.

The Film:

D-Railed

Director:

Dale Fabrigar

The Premise:

When a murder mystery dinner train takes a dramatic turn, an unscripted death is the mildest of problems compared with a train derailment and a sharp-toothed monster lurking.

The Ramble:

What are you going to do on Halloween if not board a murder mystery train with a glam 1920s theme? Actors and guests alike fully commit, including the dramatically intense host.

As you’d expect, we get to know some of the guests and their motivations for boarding the train: our heroine Evelyn is only attending as a friend is in the cast; nanny Antonia is the reluctant chaperone to young Abigail; broody Thomas is attending to fulfill a promise to his brother. Could there be some in attendance with ulterior motives of their own?

Shortly after the train gets going, notably creepy Clyde reveals his intentions: he and partner Gigi are there to rob the train. This is not part of the show, as the actors are visibly distressed when the host falls down dead with a knife to the back AND the robbers demand all of their…precious costume jewelry…? If this strikes you as odd, no worries–this is just one of many extremely subtle hints that something else is going on here.

Following some back and forth exchanges, Clyde manages to make his way to the boiler, where he demands the crew stop the train. All he accomplishes here is the acceleration of the train around a nasty curve, which derails the train, sending the passenger car into the water.

Though the car begins to sink, it does so relatively slowly. Plan A involves the passengers waiting in the train car until help arrives. This is all well and good until the passengers realize there’s something in the water…something that looks like a sticky budget Venom and which is very efficient at killing people.

And, inevitably, making it beyond the water is only going to help so much. Will anyone human manage to survive the evening?

The Rating:

2/5 Pink Panther Heads

Whoa, there are at least four major story lines crammed into 80 minutes here, and this film doesn’t even pull off one of these well. There are so many threads that begin somewhat interestingly & then are just left hanging as we abruptly shift plot and tone. Lots of opportunities to fill in pieces of the mystery or character details are missed, so it’s at times a bit choppy and frustrating.

I honestly didn’t hate the schlocky running from the unexplained teeth monster part of the proceedings, particularly because we finally get to spend time with the remaining characters at this point. Evelyn’s determination is especially great in this part of the film and the only real suspense for me is during these scenes.

Unfortunately, my favorite part of the film represents only a small amount of screen time. The murder mystery train plot is fun for a brief moment, but takes a while to get going for a film very short on time. When we roll around to the film’s conclusion, it’s rather abrupt and just kind of stops…in part because it’s a bit self-satisfied with its, er, clever twist ending.

I’m willing to be a bit lenient because I’m never mad when we manage to squeeze in a period costume with our usual dose of trash.

Would my blog wife save this one from the sinking train or let it swim with the fishes/lamprey monsters? Read her review to find out!