Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Tangerine, or: Donut Underestimate Me

This month’s theme is Blog Free or Die Hard.  Unexpectedly, our secondary theme for this month is the importance of donuts in friendship.  Girl Asleep and Tangerine don’t have a lot in common…but they do share donuts.

The Film:

Tangerine

The Premise:

Remember that movie shot entirely on iPhones?  It’s also one of the first films to gain wide(ish) recognition for its representation of trans women of color.

The Ramble:

After serving a short prison sentence, Sin-Dee is catching up with her bff Alexandra over a donut on Christmas Eve.  Donut singular as Sin-Dee is broke as a joke after being unable to work for the past month.  Both ladies are trans sex workers in LA, which is a niche but pretty in-demand corner of the market.

Alexandra accidentally lets it slip that Sin-Dee’s boyfriend, Chester, couldn’t even go the past month without cheating on her with a cis white girl.  Enraged, Sin-Dee decides to track down the girl, Dinah, and make her regret the day she was born.

Meanwhile, Alexandra is promoting her event tonight, where she’ll sing at a dive bar.  She invites Razmik, a cab driver and regular client.  Razmik is Armenian with about 8 family members to support, including his wife and young child.

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Alexandra agrees to help Sin-Dee find Dinah and Chester as long as they don’t stir up too much drama.  Sin-Dee breaks this promise pretty quickly and heads off on her own to the food line, a motel, and a donut shop–pissing off virtually everyone she comes across.

When Sin-Dee does find Dinah, she drags her to the bar where Alexandra is performing in an effort to multi-task.  Though Sin-Dee and Dinah begin understandably at odds, they do bond over make-up and meth.

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Razmik tries to make it to the show but arrives too late.  Hoping to see Alexandra, he tells his family he needs to keep working on Christmas Eve.  Suspicious, his mother-in-law hires a cab driver to track Razmik down and uncover the truth.

In the mean time, Sin-Dee, Alexandra, and Dinah have finally managed to track down Chester.  Razmik has also caught up with our crew, along with his mother-in-law, wife, and child.  It’s all about to go down at Donut Time.

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If shit’s going down, it may as well be at a location reliably stocked with donuts.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I tried really hard to like Sin-Dee, but she annoyed me quite a lot throughout the film.  I liked Alexandra a lot better, and the dynamic between the two women made this worth watching–and Dinah makes a surprisingly fitting addition to the team.  Sin-Dee was a bit of an impulsive drama queen, while Alexandra was off in the corner making snide remarks (which I relate to on a fundamental level).

Chester is a total sleaze, but does add some unexpected humor to the film, delivering lines like “You get my ass thrown out of donut time?!” with conviction.  He’s not a likeable character but, like everyone in the film, feels multi-dimensional and real.  I would’ve liked to see him suffer a bit more, honestly (evidence that I’ve become a full-blown sociopath?).

This is a beautifully shot film, and you forget completely that it’s known primarily as the movie shot entirely with iPhones.  The characters are engaging and lively, and our two leads are absolutely the highlight.

Minor point of contention: I don’t remember the title being explained or anyone ever mentioning tangerines.  I’m sure I’m being too literal here, but it drives me nuts that I don’t understand the title.

Would Christa share a donut or two with this one or drag it around town with only one shoe?  Find out here!

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Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Girl Asleep, or: Donuts > Growing Up

This week’s film gives our feelings a break for once as we are transported to an oddly surreal dream world that may or may not be real, aka high school in 1970s Australia.

The Film:

Girl Asleep

The Premise:

A girl’s 15th birthday party goes from awkwardly cringey to bizarrely surreal when a magical music box opens to another realm.

The Ramble:

Greta has recently started at a new school and, rather than trying to make friends, seems to be trying her best to keep a low profile.  Her plan fails when she is approached by two separate groups:  first, Elliot (who is adorable and relatably enthusiastic about donuts), and then the stereotypical “cool” girls.  Both groups want to fold her into their embrace, but Greta seems afraid to speak up about who she’d rather be friends with (though I’d usually encourage girls to stick together…always pick the friendship that begins with donuts).

Life at home seems fairly harmonious at first, but almost immediately the cracks begin to show.  Greta’s father is constantly making terrible dad jokes and trying to stop his youngest child from growing up.  Her mother throws her attention on her daughters as she doesn’t seem to like her husband’s sense of humor–or anything about him as a matter of fact.  Greta’s older sister Genevieve throws the delicate balance off completely by coming home late with a really smooth boyfriend who smokes and tries to give off a bit of a James Dean vibe.

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Have I mentioned that I love the ’70s aesthetic in this film?

After school, Greta invites Elliott over and shows him her favorite thing, a music box passed on to her from her mother.  She likes to imagine it’s from a secret realm.  Hmmmmmmm…I wonder if perhaps this plot detail will be important in about 20 minutes.

Greta lives in fear of being the center of attention, so imagine her horror when her mother suggests throwing a big party for her birthday and inviting everyone at school.  The party causes a major fight between her parents, so Greta eventually agrees to have the party to keep the peace.

When the dreaded day of the party arrives, her mother gives her a dress that is very cute but so not her style, and she’s deeply uncomfortable when others tell her she looks so beautiful and grown up.

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I deeply understand this pre-party face.

As the party guests arrive, things begin to get slightly surreal with a pretty nice disco sequence.  The party doesn’t seem to be the nightmare Greta imagined it would be.  However, the cool girls arrive—two of whom are creepy twins who never say anything.  Their gift for Greta is a cassette tape that plays a really mean song about her…which feels like a somewhat sociopathic move, honestly.

Humiliated, Greta retreats to her room.  Her only real friend, Elliott, comforts her and also says he’d like to be more than friends.  This is remarkably bad timing, which causes Greta to freak out and push him away, calling him a homo (not cool, Greta).  Elliot is deeply offended that she considers this an insult in a way that I really appreciate.

To comfort herself, Greta opens up the music box, which seems to gain a life of its own and shocks her.  When she wakes up, there’s a thing from the other realm there that has claimed the music box.  It runs away into the woods (of course), and Greta gives chase.

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Come play with us…

Possibly not shockingly, things get really surreal from here on out.  A woman who lives in the forest helps Greta navigate the woods and steer clear of the scary dog thing that’s pursuing her.  It gets suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper Freudian when she encounters alternate versions of her mother and father, who are an ice queen and a sort of swamp guy, respectively.  There’s also a really unsettling bit with Genevieve’s boyfriend, who has some sort of French alter-ego and comes on strong to Greta.

What does this all mean, and will Greta ever make it back to the party? Does she even want to make it back?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

This is a very gentle coming of age story.  Though it does tackle some heavier themes surrounding Greta’s home life and fear of attention, these receive only brief attention.  I might complain about this if I were in a different mood, but avoiding anything too deep was a breath of fresh air with some very sweet moments and surreal scenes (admittedly with somewhat mixed results).

Elliott is one of my favorite teen characters ever now, though he is perhaps way too nice to be believed.  I don’t care—I want to believe.  I want Elliott to be my best friend.

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Case in point.

The lack of depth is a bit frustrating at times—Greta quickly changes the subject when anyone tries to talk too much about the past, and the surreal scenes don’t really give us any insight into her psyche.  At a certain point they do cross over into artsy film school BS.

It doesn’t help that the real and dream worlds are kept separate—it would have been nice to see them woven together better.  Genevieve briefly alludes to what happened on her own 15th birthday, and as the music box is a gift from her mother, the whole experience could have been a shared experience.  I would’ve LOVED it if there were more time for female relationships in this movie.

However, I enjoyed the aesthetic and this was just whimsical and sweet enough for me to enjoy.

Would Christa share a donut with this one or leave it to get lost in the woods?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Buster’s Mal Heart, or: Manly Mountain Men

This week’s film asks important questions, such as whether those who walk around in their underwear are the most free among us.  Also if the universe is shaped like an apple or a sphincter.  For real.

The Film:

Buster’s Mal Heart

The Premise:

A mountain man who breaks into people’s vacation homes to survive cold winters has lived a very sad and rather non-linear life.

The Ramble:

Buster isn’t having the best New Year’s ever.  A fugitive running from the police for as yet undisclosed reasons, he seeks refuge in a cave in the woods.  It doesn’t take long for us to learn that Buster has been living off of the land for years, surviving winter by breaking in to empty vacation homes.  As New Year’s approaches, he makes increasingly erratic phone calls to local radio stations warning everyone that the inversion is coming.  Though his crimes are relatively low-level, he is nonetheless considered armed and dangerous by the authorities.

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Also seems to have an affinity for candles.

Of course, this isn’t what Buster’s life was always like.  Before his mountain man lifestyle, Buster’s name was Jonah, and he considered himself something of a worker drone.  As a concierge, Jonah works overnight on low pay and little sleep.  He dreams of buying a remote piece of land to live independently with his family.  The current situation for the family is less than ideal—Jonah, his wife, and daughter live with his parents-in-law, who throw a lot of shade his way.

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I’ll admit this scene was cute.

Things start to change when Jonah encounters a stranger at the hotel who approaches him in a suspiciously Christian-Slater-in-Mr. Robot kind of way.  The stranger lives off the grid, with no ID or credit card, but needs a room for the night.  Jonah initially denies this request, but finds himself listening to the stranger’s ideas.  The stranger warns Jonah about Y2K and the inversion and proclaims himself the last free man.  Instead of backing away slowly, Jonah eventually agrees to let the man stay.

Though Jonah loves his family, he feels something is wrong with his heart and fears becoming a slave to the system.  He begins to buy into the stranger’s odd, conspiratorial perspective that the universe is shaped like a sphincter.  When Y2K brings about the inversion, people will dive into that sphincter (from my understanding…?).

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Rami Malek’s audition for Castaway 2…?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, his home life begins to crack, his professional life has been soul-crushing for a long time, and Jonah begins to have very dark hallucinations.  What pushed him over the edge to become a roving mountain man?  And will his history of minor crimes become all too serious when an elderly couple returns to find Buster in their house?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I’m not sure I understood this one 100%, and there were times I wasn’t sure if this was supposed to be funny?  Having a sphincter-shaped universe seems like more of a comedy element, but most of this film’s content is decidedly heavier.

Rami Malek is great as our conflicted and complex lead, who has so many more layers than we realize at first.  It’s hard not to feel sympathy for him even as [SPOILER] he does incredibly horrifying things.  We let the narrative convince us pretty easily that Buster is a victim even as we see a violent, unstable side of his personality.  The saddest part of this film is that he is a victim–but he also victimizes others.  This film unexpectedly tackles mental health issues in a way that doesn’t blame anyone, though neither does it offer easy answers about living with them.

I’d still sign up for the mountain man lifestyle, though.

Would Christa listen to this one’s conspiracy theories or send it back to the cave where it belongs?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews, Uncategorized

Shimmer Lake, or: Murder Most(ly) Foul

Watching films with a focus on mental health is a great idea, they said.  Movies about serious emotional issues will in no way be too real or fill you with existential dread, they said.

Predictably, they were wrong.  And by “they” I mean “we.”

This month returns us to an old favorite, Blog Free or Die Hard, which promises hours of mindless entertainment.  Or at least no more films about mental health care facilities in the UK (for now).

The Film:

Shimmer Lake

The Premise:

What is the truth behind a small-town bank robbery that has left a trail of bodies in its wake?  The answer may (or may not) surprise you.

The Ramble:

As viewers, we see the story of a small-town bank robbery gone wrong as it unfolds in reverse.  Sheriff Zeke’s concern at this point is finding his brother Andy, one of three suspects, before someone else does.  Zeke seems to be the only competent, upright citizen in the entire town–a rather thankless job.  As it turns out, Andy is hiding out in his own basement with the duffel bag full of cash he conspired to steal.  Great plan…?

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Because where else would you have a payphone if not by an abandoned, decrepit building?

In the robbery’s aftermath, Zeke is shot, 2 people are dead, 2 suspects are on the run, and many people seem to know more than they’re revealing.  Since the money in the vault was federally insured, FBI agents are involved with the investigation, though they create more problems than they solve.

Now on the run are Ed, the ringleader in all of this, and his wife Steph, who rendezvous with Andy to divvy up the cash and get out of town.  That is, until the passenger in Steph’s car shoots Andy and drives away.

As the story unfolds, we see how the conspirators used blackmail and violence to complete their plan (despite their overall incompetence).  It’s also clear Steph plays a much greater role than she initially appears to, lying to the police about threats from Ed and plans to flee to Mexico.  Or is she…?  Her relationship with Ed is tense, and she blames him for the death of their young son in an accident.  Whose side is Steph really on?

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The Staring off Dramatically into the Distance Club met every Thursday…

Additionally, the judge is involved with the robbery as he’s being blackmailed over his much younger male lover just as he’s about to announce his campaign for Senate.  Things don’t end well for quite a few characters who end up being loose ends in this plan…is the judge one of them?

Like any good noir story, the mystery becomes even hazier as we learn that literally everyone in this town is despicable.

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Coincidentally, this seems to be set in Ohio (based on that license plate)…?

Which all leads us to…what really happened the night of the robbery.  It’s probably not what you think.  Or maybe it is; I’m not a mind reader.

The Rating:

3/5 Pink Panther Heads

Look, the biggest problem here is that I don’t know if this film is supposed to be funny or not.  There was one moment I recall that made me laugh–in fact, it was almost vaudeville sort of moment when Andy asks Chris to check the radio after the robbery has occurred and Chris turns on the radio to a rather upbeat jazzy tune.  There is unexpected humor throughout the film, but it doesn’t always feel at home.

The more I think about it, I wonder if this was a tactic to catch the viewer off-guard–would you really expect Rainn Wilson and Rob Corddry to work on a dark, gritty project with a dramatic twist?  However, this never completely commits to being funny nor to being a clever film noir; it exists mostly in limbo.

I hoped for more of an IDFAHITWA vibe, so perhaps this was destined to fall short in my eyes.  There’s no Melanie Lynskey (or Elijah Wood), and no one even remotely worth liking or rooting for.  Almost everyone in this film turns out to be utterly incompetent or a complete sociopath.  The female characters are also pretty sloppily written, and even the signature femme fatale manages to fall flat completely.

Main conclusions:

  1. The more I hear the name Zeke, the more I like it.  Potential name for my next cat.
  2. Netflix really, really needs to add more film noir to its streaming collection.  While this wasn’t terrible, I also wanted it to be so much better.

Did my blog wife come back for this one or take the money and run?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

45 Years, or: Wuv, Twu Wuv

Another week, another film picked because we do what we feel.  And coincidentally, I do feel like I’ve aged significantly in the last 6 months.

The Film:

45 Years

The Premise:

A couple’s 45th anniversary preparations are interrupted by memories of an old romance.

Where to Watch:

Netflix UK, apparently

The Uncondensed Version:

Kate is a retired teacher who has been married for 45 years(?!?!!?!).  She’s all geared up for a big celebration as the 40th anniversary party was cancelled due to her husband’s poor health.

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The cuddle monster will make it all better.

While she’s deciding on venue and a million little details that would make me lose my mind, husband Geoff has received news of significance from the Swiss Alps.  The body of his ex, Katya, has finally been recovered after decades.

This prompts Geoff’s sudden and urgent desire to go to the Alps even though he’s not well enough to travel such a distance, let alone climb a mountain.  Kate and Geoff more or less return to things as usual, except that he’s not picking up her calls and has taken up smoking again.

That is, until Geoff reveals he was the next of kin for Katya, hence the notification from the Swiss authorities.  Geoff explains he and Katya simply told the Swiss they were married to avoid the scandal of being an unmarried couple staying together.  But if Geoff was hiding one thing about Katya, how much else has he kept hidden?

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Say what now?

By and large, Kate keeps her doubts to herself and continues to go about the couple’s regular routine. They do share some genuine moments of love and connection reminiscing about the past, and they still have a sexually active relationship.

On the other hand, Geoff seems as determined to dwell on his past with Katya as he is to keep its true nature a secret.  After finally confronting Geoff about how he felt about Katya and its impact on their own relationship, she gets fed up and no longer wants to even hear the name.

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Ah, the melancholy stare out the window shot.

Kate decides to go up to the attic (never a good decision on film) and look for more clues about who Katya was and her relationship to Geoff.  After discovering a bombshell, Kate doesn’t know what to think of their relationship and whether their 45 years of marriage meant anything.

Are Kate and Geoff going to make it to their 45th anniversary celebration?  And if they do, will there be anything left worth celebrating?

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I only started to warm to this one about halfway through, at which point it becomes great in a heartbreakingly tragic sort of way.  The focus here is rightly on Kate/Charlotte Rampling, whose heartbreak we can see in her face if not in words. It is very reflective on marriage and the ways people can still very much hide things about themselves after years and years. I can tell I’ve watched too much horror because I expected Geoff to somehow be involved with Katya’s death even though this is not that kind of movie at all. The latter half is really great, but for me it took a long time to get there.

Would Christa stick with this one or leave it for dead in the Swiss Alps?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews, Uncategorized

Southside With You, or: No One Compares 2 U

What do I do when I’m despairing of the world we live in and desperately missing the dignity, reason, and humanity of the Obamas?  Watch clips of that time President Obama was on Between Two Ferns?  Or the Carpool Karaoke segment featuring Michelle?  How about masochistically torturing myself with images of them in happier times (portrayed by actors who really look nothing like them)?  Why; what do you do?

The Film:

Southside With You

Where to Watch:

Netflix

The Uncondensed Version:

Michelle Robinson lives at home with her parents despite her position at a top corporate law firm in Chicago.  Even though Michelle has some serious pampering going on, she’s definitely not going on a date with Barack—it would be inappropriate since Michelle is his advisor, he’s only working at the firm for the summer, and she would get so much shit from the higher ups if she dated the first young black guy who walks into the firm.

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And, you know, of course he has a Panama hat.

Barack, meanwhile, is just smoking, reading, and talking on the phone because of course he is.  The two will be attending a community even in the Gardens, a housing project in Chicago.  Sounds like there’s no way to interpret that as a date…right?

While Barack is easy-going and laid-back, Michelle is hyper-aware of the hard work, self-discipline, and commitment to following the rules she must continually embody to succeed in the swarm of middle-aged white men that is the law firm.  Barack shows up late to pick her up and drives a car with a hole rusted through in the bottom (which is true).

Michelle has worked hard for her education and position at the law firm, though she seems unsatisfied with the tedious work and condescension from the higher ups (as indicated previously, middle-aged white men).  Barack is extremely perceptive and asks if the firm is really what she’s frustrated with, and she insists yes—yes, it is.

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“Maybe what I really hate is men telling me what I’m frustrated about.”

At this point, Barack springs art exhibit and lunch on Michelle, admitting they have time to kill before the community event.  The exhibit highlights black artists, including Ernie Barnes, the artist whose work was made famous by Good Times (no joke).  He also recites Gwendolyn Brooks poetry to her, which may or may not have happened IRL, but either way is fucking unfair and has the immediate effect of melting everyone within a 50 foot radius.

After the exhibit, the two bond over sandwiches and learn shocking revelations–specifically that Michelle doesn’t like pie, though she does like chocolate ice cream.  Barack damn near breaks my heart when he reveals he hates ice cream after spending a summer working at Baskin Robbins (which I understand on a rational level but still devastates me personally).  We get a bit of a peek into their very different childhoods and learn that Michelle’s dad has MS (which I didn’t know before watching this).

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I just realized the Obamas can never appreciate the thing of beauty that is pie with ice cream.

At long last, it’s time for the community event, which conveniently gives Barack the opportunity to showcase his inspirational speechmaking skills and for the church ladies to bust out their stories about the lives he’s turned around and what a cool dude he is in general.  Rather unrealistically, he gives a speech without once saying “let me be clear,” “here’s the deal,” or “it will not be easy.”

Michelle sees right through this ploy, but is still rather impressed.  We all are, girl.  They have a meaningful discussion about their fatigue with doing what’s convenient over what’s right with genuine conviction–something I really fucking miss seeing in the US President.

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Admit it–the only thing you’re imagining him saying in this scene is “Let me be clear.”

The evening wraps up with a showing of Do the Right Thing, unfortunately interrupted when they run into a top partner at the law firm, who is a condescending smarmy bastard.  Michelle reflects once again on the way their relationship will be perceived and how it could destroy the career she has worked hard to build.  Does this mean there will never be a second date???

…I mean, there are really no spoilers here, so suffice it to say that chocolate ice cream can solve pretty much everything and I believe it may be our last decent shot at world peace.

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

I’m not sure it’s possible to be objective with this review.  I teared up several times at places that were never intended to be sad because I fucking miss the Obamas and their strength and intelligence and compassion.  I love and miss them, but I just want them to be happy.  They’ve always deserved better.

Though it takes place nearly 20 years ago, the commentary feels very contemporary.  Michelle describes the challenges she’s faced as a black woman that are still very much in place today.  At one point, Barack and Michelle walk through a tunnel memorializing the many black Chicagoans who died violently–a tunnel that would surely have exponentially greater names today.

There are some self-satisfied moments that get a bit unbearable at times (like when Michelle comments on what a great speechmaker Barack is, wink wink nudge nudge).  And admittedly, the actors really don’t look anything like Barack and Michelle except for the hair styles, but the acting is convincing enough that you can pretend after a while.  I really appreciated the glimpse into Michelle’s character that we’ve never gotten, especially as her role as First Lady was the one the world saw her inhabit.  Let’s not forget that prior to the Presidency, Michelle was bringing in a much bigger salary than Barack and being an all-around badass.

Did this one inspire Christa or would she shun it like the Obamas shun pie and ice cream?  Find out here!

Collaborative Blogging, Film Reviews

Hush, or: A Day No Cats Would Die

Just in case every other horror movie in existence hadn’t given you second thoughts about finishing your novel in a secluded cabin in the forest, this week’s pick will give you another reason to just stay home and watch Netflix instead.

The Film:

Hush

Where to Watch:

Netflix

The Premise:

In the most realistic/least fun kind of horror, a creepy dude in a mask terrorizes a novelist living alone in the woods.

The Uncondensed Version:

Maddie is a writer who lives alone in the woods.  Having lost her hearing at the age of 13, she’s used to the silence if not the solitude.  Though having second thoughts about her recent break up, she does have a friendly neighbor, Sarah, to keep her company.  She also has a cat because what else do single ladies in the woods do.  Heroically, Maddie has named her cat Bitch, which is probably the most fitting name for a cat I’ve ever heard.

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Not the last or worst set of crazy eyes in this film…

Things get really real after Sarah leaves Maddie’s house, interrupted by the arrival of Creepy McCreep-face in one of those hideous featureless masks.  Though Sarah screams for help and tries to get Maddie’s attention, Maddie hears nothing.

The Creep manages to slip into the house unnoticed and creepily lurk while Maddie is Face Timing with one of her friends.  He seems really determined to drag this whole thing out while being as creepy as possible—Maddie only realizes she’s being watched when he sends fucking creeper pics of her from Sarah’s phone.  Twisted, dude.

Oh, and his weapon of choice?  A goddamn crossbow.  I swear to god, if this is what Game of Thrones hath wrought, is it really worth it?  Is it???

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Please can we just agree to not be creepy fucking assholes?

Anyway, to further terrify Maddie, the Creep cuts off the power and punctures the tires in her car.  She tries to write him a message that she hasn’t seen his face and won’t call the cops…so he promptly takes his mask off to make it clear he intends to kill her.

Maddie decides her best bet is retrieving Sarah’s phone from her body, which the Creep uses to mess with her.  Now armed only with a hammer and kitchen knife, Maddie needs to distract the Creep for long enough to search Sarah’s body for the phone.  Maddie uses the car pretty ingeniously, but of course this doesn’t work out as planned (we’ve still got an hour to go).

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I’ve got one hand in my pocket and the other one’s wielding a claw hammer…

For the next chunk of the film, we have a sort of bait and switch with Maddie coming up with plans to escape and the Creep managing to keep her trapped.  Both sustain some pretty gruesome injuries with equally disgusting sound effects.

This continues until John, Sarah’s SO (boyfriend?  Husband?  Too minor of a character for me to care?) shows up to figure out where she could be.  John is annoyingly slow to catch on to what’s happening, which I attribute in part to the actor also playing Anders in BSG, the single most idiotic character on that show.  However, John does catch on eventually and gives Maddie a chance to escape.  But does she???

The Rating:

3.5/5 Pink Panther Heads

Largely because I don’t have any way to produce an objective rating for this one.  It did what it said on the tin, i.e. scared the living daylights out of me and raised my blood pressure for a solid 80 minutes.  It was horrifically disgusting in places and ruined any chances I had of ever deciding to go live alone in the woods.  Damn it, humanity–this is why we can’t have nice things.  The ending is somewhat clever in the way it turns around Maddie’s disability and uses it to her advantage (oops–spoiler?).  However, a lot of it was just torturous to watch and made me want to outlaw those fucking featureless masks every goddamn horror creep favors.

Is it worth staying in a creepy cabin for this one or would Christa shoot it with a crossbow?  Find out here!